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From my experience:
Never blame anyone else.
This means that you recognize that if you were in someone else's shoes, YOU'D DO EXACTLY THE SAME THING.
Once you recognize that, you stop blaming people, and you start to understand their actions. This makes it so they can't resent you, they have nothing to resent you for, and you can RELATE to them which is the foundation of a RELATIONSHIP.
I think every person has got N.U.T.s, even women (I once dated a girl with big ones). But sometimes a person will go about their lives not realizing what they are, and how they can affect the decisions that person makes. By helping someone discover what they are, you help them to better deal with all their relationships, including (especially) the one they have with you.
I used to be the wimpy, shrinking violet type. That's not what a man is. Once I found my confidence everything else started to fall into place.
Armed with that I have been able to comfortably act in all sorts of situations that I would not normally be at home in like haute parties.
The key is to not confuse it with being cocky or pompous - Just simple quite, strong confidence.
Over the past six years of my relationship, I've learnt to leave the ego outside the front door as I walk in after work.
I am still learning not to react , but to respond.
I'm also learning to say I'm Sorry when I'm wrong
:)
1) Take responsibility for your actions.
2) Listen to the opinions of other people.
3) Everyone is different, and you have to learn that that's not bad.
For my advice I will stick with the relationship with a spouse. Find a sport or hobby you can participate in regularly with your wife or significant other and do it often. For my wife and I it is fencing. If you can both enjoy yourself and one is not doing it just to humor the other, it can draw you closer. Use tool #7 to find her true interests.
Say precisely what you mean, every time. No more games, no more beating around the bush or innuendos or any of that sort. If people, including your girl, know that what you said is what you meant, there's little or less chance of a mix up.
“We have a choice to stay stuck in one place, doing nothing and being depressed as a result of that stagnation. Or, we can decide to do something good. Good for ourselves, good for everyone. That’s what happiness is, and where it lies.”
Pretty wise insights for a poor girl from the Ukraine wouldn’t you say.
So, to quote William Shakespeare, “The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.”
We start with ourselves by taking ownership, being one hundred percent responsible and build from there.
Do what makes you happy, do what you want to do, and only good things will follow. If what you want to do is love her, take care of her, etc... then your relationship just follows right along.
You can't MAKE her happy... but you can be happy, and hope that she likes what she's getting.
"Be like water, if a rock stands in your way, flow around it"
- Bruce Lee
Care... it shows that you love
Believe in people... you encourage others
Set goals... it gives you direction
Apply what you learn.. you'll grow much more
Rely on God... it shows humility and gives your true power
Remain steadfast... it deepens your commitment
Make decisions... it strengthens your confidence
In my mind, a better reminder is first establishing open communication so that when something does arise, as the article says, feelings are able to be communicated. The thing that men REALLY need to realize is that they need to be a little more introspective when they are criticized. If the honey is mad at me, it is probably something I did! Like you were told when you were a child in a time out, men need to have a sit down with themselves to realize this is probably partially, if not mostly my fault, and then try to be analytical about it without justifying it.
That's all there is to it. No matter how hard things get, how rough the road is, how bleak the outlook, as long as you never let that break your spirit, and you make sure your eye is on the prize at hand, then there isn't anything you can't do. Just make sure you never give up.
Whenever I go into a relationship, I'm 100% that my partner is worth it. That's why I don't shy away from telling her, in a tactful manner, that I want to be as sincere with her as possible, and that I expect the same from her.
I think it's important to follow my words and immediately start to broaden the scope of emotions I speak to her about. Doing that and being the rock at the same time is not as tricky as it may sound.
You were right.
I was wrong.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
I love you.
Communication in a relation is the canary in a coal mine... If the canary's dead, in other words if you stopped communicating with your partner, you'll be darned sure your relationship with your partner is going downhill and broke.
If you want to have a good gauge of your relationship, this is it.
Everyone's already put some great comments, I don't know what to add. Arguing is the worst thing for a relationship! If we can just learn to swallow our pride and control our tongue, even when we know we are right, is one of the most important(and the hardest) things to do!
these are my adopted core values, and at the heart of them is the strength to develop a good set of N.U.T.s and more. There is no greater sense of manliness than the belief that one is doing the right thing and putting the necessary effort and energy into a thing, thus search yourselves and develop your own N.UT.s.
1.Trust
2. Mutual Respect
3. Honesty
Period.
You can't have a healthy relationship with your wife or girlfriend - let alone relate properly to your mother, sisters, daughters, friends' wives and girlfriends, female co-workers and other acquaintances - if you are constantly flooding your mind with fictitious images that objectify and reduce them to the level of toys for your own selfish gratification.
Install an internet filter and partner with another Real Man for mutual support in this. It'll be tough and temptation lurks at every turn, but your sex life with your wife will take a healthy and lusty turn that will surprise you in a very pleasant way!
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
1 Corinthians 10:13 (New International Version - UK)
When in a relationship, don't try and fix her problems. When she has a problem and comes to you, she really just wants you to listen and be sympathetic. When she knows you can do that, her problems will have a tendancy to evaporate.
To stay in the relationship, above all you must communicate. Make it a point to talk every day. Doing this can keep little things from becoming big problems.
Clarification to communication: yelling is not communication. Arguments will crop up occaisonally, no matter how good your comunication is. The first one to raise their voice loses the argument.
Her response: "I thought your were malleable, turns out you're elastomeric."
We had a good laugh and moved on.
Al
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF!
There were many times when we would argue because I would not stop defending my point even though I knew I was wrong. This serves no purpose in a relationship except to cause strife. So, above all else, to thine own self be true.
* Equanimity
* and Intensity
When we can lean on each other, we are stronger than ever.
I think the next best piece of advice I have is to always be romantic. It's not a secret that woman are all hopeless romantics, but they want men to initiate it. Bring home flowers for no reason, cook a candle lit dinner, take a moonlit walk, etc. If we're comfotable knowing that we love her and only her then we should show it everyday. You never want to look back and say to yourself "I wish I had done more." Act now. She'll love you forever.
So my advice is to make sure the giving and taking in a relationship is reciprocal. Because if she doesn't add anything to your life besides sex and somebody to hang out with, then she's not worth it.
Don't date a slug!
Your wife is not your mother. She should not have to tell you when to get up, go to work, clean the garage, change the oil... You are the man, you do what needs done.
Yes, a good wife will be there for you if you hit a low point, we all get there. But you shouldn't have to be dragged through life all the time. Get up, get moving, and get it done. Then your wife will be proud of you.
#2!!!
Be proud of your wife. Express your appreciation for her qualities, not just her size/shape/color/looks. Qualities last, looks can fade. You don't have to be sappy, women don't like a guy who's to sappy, but you can have feelings. When you praise your wife for what you find good in her, it will enhance her beauty and your relationship will be closer.
2. If your girlfriend exercises on a regular basis like mine and she ask you " should I go swim or finish this work ?" Always have her swim ( exercise) . It shows that her personal time outside of work is valuable to you also.
3. 10 minutes of making chicken stir fry makes up for a bad week. Women, like men, like to be cared for. Dinner and washing the dishes goes a long way.
More often then not, the person you are listening to does not want your advice, at least not until they feel heard and are ready to receive it/ask for it. I am good at listening, but am very quick to give them the solution to their problems.
They often already know what needs to be done they just want to know that someone cares about the emotions they are going through.
K
Interesting book though, I'd love to check it out.
Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose—
don't ever quit taking delight in her body.
Never take her love for granted!
Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a whore?
for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger? "
This non-negotiable, unalterable term has helped me over 16 year with my wife. These are great words from King Solomon. He was considered one of the wisest ( not to mention wealthiest and most powerful) kings of his time.
2) it's okay to feel hurt by something. When it happens (and it will), admit that it hurt, and talk about it!
The biggest killer of all relationships is lack of responsibility. Even if it seems like the other individual is to blame in a particular situation there is almost always something a proactive individual could have done or could do in the future to avert an argument, fight or other relationship disaster. For example an irresponsible man would simply justify infidelity by claiming "She doesn't give me the love I need anymore", he paints himself as the hapless victim of venomous fate, a refugee in the arms of another from his cold unloving partner.
The responsible man on the other hand recognizes the lack of intimacy in the relationship. He values the relationship and realizes that the real problem is a lack of closeness or intimacy within the relationship. Rather than weak ego-centric thinking he considers his role as a man. He makes the choice to invest himself in the relationship, maybe he organizes a date night, maybe he makes lots of little investments like helping around the house.
What a responsible man would do really depends on the situation but the paradigm is the same. He sees a problem and recognizes his ability to choose his response. He asks himself how am I responsible for the situation and what can I do to improve things. He considers what is important and then acts from a place of wisdom and maturity.
"The wise man will be the master of his mind. A fool will be its slave."
- Publilius Syrus
There are a few comments on here which I disagree with. There seems to be this nostalgia for the way men used to be. Now I'm not saying that the character traits we point to and admire in our fathers and grandfathers weren't good but these men were often brutally intolerant, closed minded, misogynistic among many other things I wouldn't want to include in true masculinity. I think we have to think critically about what it means to be a man. I think that makes us more men than blindly accepting tradition and culture. "Loyalty to petrified opinion never broke a chain or freed a human soul" - Mark Twain.
I think the quest for true manliness is so crucial because there is so little of it in the world. Let's not wax rhapsodic about the way things used to be, if lessons can be garnered from the past we should be wise not to discard them, but lets think about what we consider true masculinity and why. As we figure out how to live let's be like a good carpenter and do it right the first time. Measure twice cut once.
Good luck gentlemen
Dave
Being a rock and listening are two biggies! If she can be who she wants and feels like that is being heard, you will always have her support and love. I was in a relationship that lasted eight years until I learned that she didn't feel listened to and I couldn't quiet my inner little boy. Things fell apart at that point.
(Did I get your attention?)
Great advice in this simple list of reminders on what ways a man can better behave and relate to others particularly his wife. My siblings and parents (and I) have learned to play the victim far too often. My wife's family does not do the victim thing at all. Its great to read something which casts that aside and lays down the basic definition of manhood.
Thanks for the article.
I think that this is very true, deep down we all have a wounded child that leaks neediness and other hurt into our lives. However I do believe that silence is a word that must be used carefully. To many the idea of silencing someone is to tell them to shut up, or be quiet, or suppress expression.
I find it quite true that if you learn to work with this little child inside of us all, we open up a territory for expression and healing rather than suppression. It could be art, music, movement, martial arts, but i think expression of this is very important.
I'm not saying to just blurt out, or just share your pain with everyone, but if a space is created, then there is a space to learn more about that child. If silence is indeed a key, i would use meditative silence.
I certainly agree that when it comes to relationships, both need to watch their neediness and acted out hurt, but I feel that a level of expression about the neediness and hurt coming up, can facilitate an understanding between two people. That way when the neediness arises, or the hurt arises, there is more understanding. It cannot always be silenced, and if it is in there, it will come up. Take that chance to learn from it.
I've found in my own experience, a relationship without argument is a short term means for understanding and closeness, but in the long term breeds quite a discontent and mistrust.
Couples that don't' argue are out of balance, for there cannot be light without dark, peace without war, and love without conflict. When I finally stopped trying to keep everything nice and just have it out with my last girlfriend, we got a lot closer.
Sure, you may disagree, and one person may end up 'losing' but I find it helpful to not see arguing as loss or gain. it's not about winning or losing, it's about expression. If you are strong enough to show your partner that you really feel strongly about somethings, that breeds a very deep inner trust.
Believe me, I am not endorsing violence, but if it is recommended that you listen and let your woman emote and just accept where she is at, and what is giong through her head, with two grounded feet on the floor, then she needs to do the same for you.
I think a little arguing is healthy. Maintain a balance, and the love will flow.
Thanks for sharing this with us by the way
Cheers
More practically, I guess it means observe+accept them. Chicks aren't dudes -- they're chicks. Some are cooler, some are cattier, some vain, some not. Get to a point in your life where they aren't a mystery.
Or to quote Jeff Foxworthy, "Men are like bottle rockets in sex...women are like diesel engines, it takes a bit of work to get them warmed up."
ALWAYS assume the other person meant the best in what they said.
Never ever assume that your spouse was trying to say something snippy or was angry with you. That can only lead to arguments. I know that my wife loves me so why should I think that she's trying to talk down to me? Why should I feel on the defensive? This is something we both do and has kept us out of arguments and lets us have our conflict within the confines of a civil discussion out of love. Also, instead of dragging on for hours our "conflicts" only last 5 minutes at most. If you can learn to assume that they meant the best by what they said, then you can almost get rid of conflict itself.
Always do what you say you will do ( if not, at least notify the individual asap)
Dont be too unsure of yourself and actions, make a decision promptly and stick to it
comprimise!
A humble, yet firm desire to engage in a face-to-face life of another through intentional efforts of considering them more important than yourself, having a keen ear of listening to and drawing out what is hidden inside of them and a genuine love not based upon conditions or expectations…but simply a pure love for them as a fellow human.
Never say you are sorry for doing something, sorry is correctly used when in reference to an uncontrollable event or situation. If you were really sorry you wouldn't have done it in the first place. In such a situation you should apoligize for any problem that you caused. And yes the difference in the words are important, give it a try next time something goes down and pay attention to everyone's reaction.
We are often complaining about what we didn't have and who hurt us and caused us to be a certain way in life. But when we treat that kid inside like we SHOULD also treat our sons and tell him that no matter what we may encounter, there's a lesson learned and we can grow from any situation into a better man. No complaining, no crying, and no quitting.
And ask for the same in return.
It helps you to have the same routines, you share more time and you will be tired and clear headed a the same times.
Do this even in the weekends and on days where she has no work and you got to get up at 6 am.
Its easier to share your life with someone you also share your time with.
When you exercise, your body will balance out to its natural chemical balance. Many men in today's society abuse substances, people, experiences, etc. to try and balance out this equation; it's pretty obvious when looking at the increasing obesity and Alzheimer's rates in this country. Not only will exercising balance your own body, it will balance your relationships when you return your neurotransmitters back to normal levels.
It's always appropriate when someone helps you ("thanks, I appreciate the help carrying this sofa into my house").
But, it's also very effective when you're just trying to get someone to stop forcing his ideas on you:
Friend/coworker: You really need to do it this way. It's the best way to do it.
You: "thanks, I appreciate the advice".
ignore the temptation to say, "I think this way is better". You're both right. Park your ego, and know when to walk away.
1. Integrity - be a man that walks the walk, your life should match what you say. If you "preach" honesty and fidelity with your words live it with your life.
2. Be intentional about your relationships - you choose who influences you, your grandma was right when she told you "bad company corrupts good morals." Choose to be influenced by the right right people.
Another manly quality, that although maybe hard, is honesty. In my relationship I often find it easier to tell the "partial truth" or keep the truth to myself to not arise a conflict. In the long run though it will make everything worse because not only does your partner find out about what you were hiding form her, but she also is angrier because you lied.
The most important thing to remember in your relationships is that women are beautiful creations and they deserve the utmost respect and attention from us. Although at times it may be tough we always need to be their for them in good times and bad providing a sense of tranquility and security.
It took me getting the axe at work to really learn this one.
Many times we give love the way we want to be loved, and can't understand when our wives don't feel loved. We are all different and need to give love the way they want to receive love.
Trust what they're telling you to do. Frankly, they're what make us men. Men have kind of been castrated almost by society or whatever you want to call it. But if you think with your balls it will work and you'll be a better man.
Also true in many business relationships, by the way!
Here's my piece of advice to share with you:
Take Full Responsibility for the Quality of your Marriage or Relationship
Shut up and Serve.
I try to remind myself of that every day ... Shut Up (in the context of arguing and needing to be right) and Serve (look for opportunities to serve, and do it with a smile). It's amazing - the result - when I do that.
My 2 cents.
1: Listen more than you speak. When responding, think about it first. It's OK to take some time. People will wait.
2: Take responsibility for what you've done and learn from your actions.
3: Always work on yourself and do what you love. That will help you develop priorities and rules for yourself. It can also help to build your confidence.
When the time came, I was in a crisis at work with shedules that would send me out of town that weekend.
At an all-hands meeting I told everyone what I had promised my son. I told them I would keep that promise "tho the heavens fall." No one spoke for a while.
In the event, the schedule slipped so no crisis arose. My son and I went to camp. He won the fishing contest. Over the years, a dozen men and couple of women who were in the meeting or heard of it have admired my stance.
Regards,
Bill Drissel
Also,
1. Keep a good perspective on life and your relationship.
2. Take ownership of your responsibilties.
3. Stay disciplined.
Learn to balance the ability to lead with the ability to be led. Be prepared for both in all situations.
No reserves. No retreats. No regrets.
Don't hold back, don't back down, don't wish to go back.
If you're feeling something, feel it. If you want to tell her something, tell her. The most powerful sentence in this language very truly may be, "I love you."
If you believe in something, believe it. Don't back down on your beliefs because someone doesn't believe them. Listen to their side, but use it to strengthen yours.
When all is said and done, be proud of what you've done. Always do things that you are proud to say you've done. Don't wish you could go back and redo them.
After 25 years, this one I've got figured out. She wants someone she can depend on, lean on. Show confidence in yourself, and confidence in your ability to take care of her. It's worth every ounce of energy you invest in it.
(I'll probably buy the book anyway)
I don't quite agree with no. 1. Sure, being the 'little boy' is not going to get you anywhere, but you can't just push it to the side and ignore it. You need to face and understand your insecurities and needs that developed from your childhood before you can genuinely change. Otherwise you can pretend to be as confident and self-sufficient as you like, but you'll probably keep harboring some resentment deep inside - not healthy.
Also it is ok to do things separately once and a while (guy/girls night out)
I stay peaceful & open to everyone's idea's & feeling's. I listen to everything someone has to say before I offer my advice. I always offer it & never make people feel like they have to hear here it if that is not what they want. I have found by doing this I keep myself in check & everyone finds me very strong & supportive. It is also reminds me that I shouldn't get emotional over things I can avoid. Once emotion gets involved then rationality tends to fly out the window.
As for relationships: The best relationship advice I can give is that as good as sex is, it doesn't last, and you can't base a relationship on it. A good relationship is based on mutual respect, honesty, appreciation, kindness, humor, and good old-fashioned commitment--that's what love is.
I agree with #6 to a point. However if you never argue, that can be a problem too. My wife has told me more than once that she wishes I would fight back and disagree with her when we fight.
I guess I would qualify #6 to say Dont' Argue From A Point Of Pride. Don't fight to win, but don't avoid standing up for your beliefs. Even if they disagree, that kind of strength can be a huge turn on to your woman.
Also, any time we disagree on something I always remember what my platoon sergeant at my first duty station told me to think about whenever I face any kind of conflict: "is this hill worth dying on?" Meaning, is the subject something you are willing to fight tooth-and-nail over, give no quarter, take no prisoners and, if necessary, die for? If not, then state your case for or against and then get on with your life. You will be a lot happier.
There are different types of things you can back out on:
1. Easy things that don't have a big effect: If you say you're going to do them and you don't, it doesn't hurt much. But if you do this often enough, your credibility will be shot.
2. Easy things that have a big effect: If you say you'll do them and you don't, you will immediately lose all credibility and no one will rely on you for anything. You are a fool for skipping on this low-hanging fruit.
3. Hard things to do that have a big effect: Not only will your word be credible by doing them, you will reap huge rewards for the effects of the work, both at work and at home.
4. Hard things to do that have little real effect: While these would be the easiest to walk away from, by doing these things, you gain TONS of character. Do not walk away from these, as doing them demonstrates real honesty, diligence, and character.
#4 is exactly what "Art of Maniliness" is about. It's hard to mind your manners, dress decently, keep in good shape, save money, and so forth, particularly when so much tempts you to do otherwise. If you don't do them, well, you will still live, but if you do them, your life will improve immensely.
For me I work hard to try to treat everyone the same - give them the same respect, same time, same appreciation regardless of their perceived 'level.' You never truly know who you may be speaking to. But beyond that, we have all been created in the image of God and that alone demands you respect the person.
The "Golden Rule" - do unto others what you would have done unto you.
It isn't always easy. I am trying to teach my kids this when they are fighting (which seems constantly!).
Integrity
Humility
That said, the best way to improve yourself and your relationship is to (1) identify exactly who you are, (2) identify who you want to be, and (3) become the person in (2), one step at a time. 99% of the time, this is who she wants you to be anyway, and you'll both be happier as a result.
"In War: Resolution. In Defeat: Defiance. In Victory: Magnanimity. In Peace: Good Will." - Winston Churchill
My wife is very emotional. I used to feel like if she was crying or venting anger, I needed to jump in immediately with advice, tissues, redirections, etc., etc. I finally figured out that my behavior was serving my need (my need to stop an expression of emotion I wasn't comfortable with). What she needed was to know she could be safe with me to express her emotions without judgment. Now I just try to sit with her, let her express, and THEN ask her what she needs. Much better.
What can I add? It infuriates my wife sometimes when I ask her to back off from something I'm doing or accuse her of attempting to micromanage. But I do it - I think it makes her feel more secure in my abilities and command of a situation and earns her respect.
Relations fail when,
either of the partners don't have a life without each other: fights will happen.the person with u is not a copy of you,and so there will be friction every now and then. But if both need to have zero friction to be together, i'm afraid things will go bad.people can be together only if they accept the differences. If they keep adjusting to keep the roughness out, they're suppressing a part of themselves in solving every fight.so , both of them should have a life of their own;friends, passions,job,whatever.this allows them to be so dependent on each other for their happiness that every fight destroys their life so much that they have to 'adjust'(i hate that word in a relationship).
So a simple understanding- have fight,accept difference(I love the don't argue point above), if still feel the same for the person, then you can have a strong mature relationship.
I really like tool #2, espress but don't defend your feelings. Being defensive is such an easy thing to do that this tool like the others really is a change in mindset and involves work.
It's just really important to be genuine and authentic in all our relationships and not be afraid to actually talk about our feelings.
My 2 cents.
Communication, Communication, Communication!
I've noticed my kids are very tuned in to how well I'm listening. If I'm distracted or just want to advise them based on what I think they're saying, they sense it and back off.
On the other hand, if I concentrate on what they're trying to tell me - their words, tone, context, and body language - they are more likely to be open and honest. They sense my presence and warm up to it and we connect way better than if I'm only half listening.
If you associate with those that are driven, disciplined, and possess good character, you will be more likely to conduct yourself the same way.