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Of course, not everyone is so fortunate when they're asking for a father's daughter's hand in marriage...
I've seen this tradition repeated by a number of my peers and it encourages me. The whole act seems very gentlemanly and respectable.
The hardest thing for me was knowing how to address my in-laws after we were married. I had always called them Bishop (he's a man of the cloth) and Mrs. Smith but that seemed weird later on. But I kept addressing them that way until they told me otherwise. Now I call them by their first names, although I think my father-in-law would like it if I called him "dad." That tradition, however, always seemed very odd to me.
This was partly due to my horror and dislike of any sort of role play or acting. It didn't seem honest to ask someone's permission to do something if we were not going to abide by his decision if it went against our wishes. Her father would of course have given his permission but that wasn't the point. It would also have been very difficult and embarrassing for her father too.
As a father myself of two girls, I know they will make their own decisions about their lives. The important thing to me is that the way I have brought them up enables them to make those decisions well. If I do get asked of course, I will make it as easy as possible for my future son in law and play my part!
So, I recommend to follow this custom.
Great thoughts, keep them coming. Maybe Salon will have some more kind words to say about this post, haha!
I don't like asking anyone for permission to do seriously personal things, but I for one would be pissed if some guy swept my daughter off her feet and stuck me with the bill without ever letting me know.
My two cents :)
I asked my fiancee's father for his blessing after a couple hours wrenching on a motorcycle. He was really appreciative that I went about things the traditional way and I felt better as well.
I really like the notion of asking both parents but I guess that would be a case by case thing, I could see certain types of men being slighted by a move like that.
Good stuff.
Been married for 14 years, but didn't ask my future father-in-law because he's a tool. It would have been nice to marry into a family where this kind of civility is the norm (like mine - my brother-in-law asked my father for permission to marry my sister and that was very nice).
But it's a happy marriage. He's still a tool, though, and if he were allowed in my house, I wouldn't ask him to pass the salt, let alone for something as important as permission to marry the woman I love! :-)
I would also add that if at all possible both sets of parents should meet before the wedding rehearsal dinner. This isn't so much to make sure everyone gets along but to just get to know each other. Our parents are meeting for the first time in just a few weeks (they live about 4 hours apart).
The girl I'm in love with and will one day marry has 2 dads in her life that love her very much. Her bio father is a great man and I've been able to visit and get to know him on several occasions. Her step father is also a great guy, somewhat more introverted and less visits with him though. She loves them both and was pretty much raised by both equally.
I know I will sit down and ask her bio father face to face. But do I go ahead and ask her step father as well? I wouldn't want to necessarily exclude him from the whole process.
This is a ceremony that we have to follow. We call it the "minang" ceremony.
Having said this, I would like my daughters' future husbands to follow your stated procedures. After that they have to do the minang ceremony.
@ Nate- Good luck!
@Granata- I hear you on the confusion on how to address your in-laws. When we first started dating, I referred to them as Mr. and Mrs. Surwilo until they told me to knock if off and call them by their first names. I think my mother-in-law is still hoping that I'll start calling them mom and dad, but like you I just find it odd.
@Julian- I didn't look at it as role playing at all. I saw it as a respectful thing to do. Again, it's not so much permission, but rather a blessing and support that I was after. I'd want to know if my future in-laws were for or against my marriage to their daughter.
@coop- It's not just any man's opinion, it's her father's opinion. You know. The person that has been the man in her life since she was a baby. And if you think following traditional values is unmanly, well, you're at the wrong site.
@ Jen- I think it's a good suggestion to ask your future bride what she wants.
@ Schaefer- I agree. Part of being a man means we respect the role of a woman's father in her life.
@ Marshall- Interesting point about the bride's parents paying for it. Maybe by asking for a father's blessing is a way to gauge whether or not you and your bride will have to foot the wedding bill yourself.
@ Matt- Glad to see other men keeping this tradition up. Most fathers I know appreciate the gesture. What a manly way to do it, too. While working on a bike.
@ Brian- I agree it's a case by case basis in determining whether to ask the dad, the mom, or both parents. Good luck on this rite of passage.
@MacLeod- Totally understandable. If the woman's father is a prick, there's no use in asking. Again, this should always be done with discretion. P.S. You're use of the word "tool" gave me a chuckle. I don't know why that word can be so funny.
@ Bradly- Agree on the parents meeting before the wedding. We did that with our parents. All we did was went out to eat. It was a very enjoyable experience.
Some of these comments that hold the -"Why should I bother? It's our decision alone" idea-reflect how individualistic our society has become. You're about to change the life of a woman who has been raised for 2 decades by her parents, and you don't think they should be given a heads up? You're marrying just the woman, but you're marrying into a whole new family as well. When you ask for her hand you're saying "Hey dad, I'm going to be around for every holiday, along for every family vacation, posing in family photos, and a part of your family's life for the rest of your life. Are you cool with that?"
As far as it being sexist...I suppose those who object to it, object to taking their husbands' name as well. Which is another case of feminism run amok. Get over it. Just because a tradition may have been born of sexism, doesn't mean you cannot carry on that tradition without being sexist yourself. Christmas started out pagan, but I don't have any problem celebrating it without being one myself.
The complaint that a man shouldn't be asked to do it if the woman doesn't do something similar showcases in a nutshell why we started this site. Can't a guy have any kind of separate role? Can't there be any kind of traditions that are just for men?
I hope that the man that wants to propose to my beloved daughter (she´s 8 now) will eventually follow this gentlemanly rule.
Many blessings to all,
Art Gonzalez
Check my Squidoo Lens at: Quantum Knights
I asked them about two hours into the 6 hour drive. They said yes, but it certainly left things kind of funny in the card for the next four hours. :-)
Ah well, it all worked out in the end.
But if it's really just about family, why can't a man and his fiance have that discussion with their families together? Why exclude the man's parents from this discussion? Why exclude the woman from the discussion?
Although it can have a sexist angle to it, I think the act of asking her father is still very important. When I did it, asked both of her parents at the same time. Also, I made sure I worded it correctly so that I asked for their blessing, not for her father to give her to me as property!
"I am so glad to have a father who would punch a man in the face for treating me this way, and a loving boyfriend who would never think to do such a thing."
I couldn't agree more. My ex would have clocked me had I asked her dad for anything, permission, blessing, hand, you name it. And he was a decent, okay guy. I honestly can't envision any of the women I've dated putting up with this one. And my women friends and especially lesbian friends would kill me.
Ugh!
Secondly, the point is not so much to ask for "permission" as to keep the parents in the loop of what's going on. Face it, you'll get married whether you get permission or not. This meeting is more of a courtesy to the people who, in large part, are responsible for making your beloved the kind of person you want to marry. They care. Really!
Lastly, I think that a similar chat between your girlfriend and your parents is also in order.
The next day I asked his mother, who had raised my husband and his brothers single-handedly, for her permission, which she was happy to give.
There is nothing sexist about this. Its about establishing a relationship with the most important male in your woman's life. It's between you and him, not you and her and him. If you do it right, and he understands it's between you and him, you'll gain not only a friend and father, but an opportunity to get some great insight into your future wife and why she became the woman she did as his daughter.
If he's an ***hole, you say your piece, let him say his, say you respectfully disagree, and go get married anyway. After all, you love the girl, right? You don't have to marry him, but he likely still has a strong influence over her life. Manning up and asking in the face of criticism just makes you a better man for doing the right thing despite the circumstances.
Don't let your woman pick your friends for you, or tell you how to be a man. But do listen, she probably knows you better than you think.
After finding too many Mr. Wrongs, my wife decided that she would have the prospective Mr. Right to ask these seven men for her hand in marriage. She figured that if that man had enough guts to ask all seven AND all seven said, 'yes', then it must be right.
It was nerve racking to say the least, but I feel that I am a better person and our marriage is better for it. I wouldn't go back and do it any different, even if I could.
A friend of mine has a 15 year old boy and this is their rule for him. In their eyes it protects him.
So Y2K flipped and all of a sudden it's okay for guys to be inconsiderate in the 21st century? I'm guessing these same feminists don't like for men to hold the door open for them either...
Sheesh, stop being so bitter. You enjoy going through life tactless and irreverent -- we get it.
Most potential father-in-laws will respect the gesture because the son-in-law must show backbone in the act of asking for support, signaling that he is a confident man with stamina to negotiate the real-world challenges of being a husband and father (e.g. not running out at the first sign of trouble and leaving the ex-father-in-law to deal with the fallout).
If a potential wife cannot acquiesce to her boyfriend formally requesting her father's support of the union, the boyfriend might consider whether her Women's Studies programming hasn't terminally undermined a willingness to respect male values.
My wife tried to explain that this was an act of respect towards her parents, and that I was not asking permission, I was asking for his support. A man should GIVE his daughter to her husband, the husband should not "steal" the daughter.. that equates to cowardice.
I didn't agree. But, I begrudgingly approached my father-in-law-to-be and sat down and spoke with him. I discussed my plans for his daughter and I and where we want to be in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. I told him I had intentions to propose to his daughter and would like his blessing and support. He said that he appreciated the fact I took the initiative to sit down and talk to him and that he feels a certain way about life and family that he knew I didn't agree with. He knew this was hard for me, as I was not a traditional man. He gave me his blessings on the condition that I call him "dad" from this point onward (which he knew was another very difficult thing for me, as I called NO-ONE "dad").
It wasn't until years later and the birth of my own daughter that everything my father-in-law said made perfect sense. The more and more time I spend with my father-in-law, I realize how a "conservative" or "traditional" family isn't the backwoods, fearful, ignorant, behind-the-times type of family I had originally thought. There was merit to things like tradition, respect, family dinners, etc. as well as the modern "independence" of the non-traditional families. It is my hope that my wife and I can combine the two very opposite-extreme family values.
So, from a former nay-sayer of this tradition, I tell all the other nay-sayers "just wait until you have a daughter.. you will see how much your world-view will change".
It's not sexist, but:
the groom asks the bride's father and not the bride's mother,
and
the bride doesn't ask either of the groom's parents.
so
women are not included in the discussion at all.
But it's not sexist! Aha, now I understand!
Also, what I have here is not an apple pie, but it is a pie and it is full of apples.
@ MissPrisim- My wife wanted me to do it, and most women where I'm from also support the tradition. Of course, you'll probably look down on these women with smug contempt as not being an enlightened woman like you.
I can see back in the day when young women married at like 18 and still lived with their parents but nowadays it just seems weird to be asking someone who is not involved in the relationship for "permission".
That's my take.
I'll certainly ask my chap's mum, if he ever tries to ask my dad.
Most of the young (i'm 23) women I know would never ask their boyfriends' parents for their blessing and then get down on one knee. i would assume almost every girl has had dreams since they were little about the day a man gets down on his knee to ask for her hand. And in most cases her father has been a part of shaping those dreams.
I guess you see yourselves as new age and modern because you don't follow tradition?
Just curious where your bitterness stems from?
With that in mind, I think that some women find the tradition sexist, not because it's socially accepted as something that only men do for women, but because if the situation is considered in reverse, it implies that the person whose parents are being asked lacks her own willpower and independence.
Contrary to this, though, I do not think that asking for the blessing of the parents is the same as insulting a women's position as an independent individual. Every guy wants to get along with his in-laws and be liked by them, so if he's at the point where he feels comfortable having an honest talk with them about his future with their daughter and his wishes that they will support the both of them, I think both he and the girl can appreciate that.
If the man, however, values the support of the parents more than the consent of the woman, that is another thing. If the parents aren't supportive of the union when asked, even though the girl is, and the guy chooses not to go through with it because of the parents' feelings, he is clearly insulting the independence and wishes of the woman. If he's a real man, then he'll marry the girl because he and she both want it, hopefully with the support of all parents involved, but even without.
There's lots of "sexist" traditons with marriage. The asking of the father for her hand, the father giving away the bride to the groom, the woman taking her husband's name, ect. But I think they're great traditions. As I mentioned before, why can't men and women play different roles in these things? Lots of commenters have said that if a guy asks the bride's father and the woman doesn't have to ask the groom's father, then that is sexist. These people equate "sameness" with equality. I humbly submit that men and women can play different roles and still be equal.
as far as if the tradition is inherently sexist, of course it is. but its pretty benign as far as sexism goes so long as it doesn't make the particular bride uncomfortable.
I agree with Brett that it is jut fine for men and women to play different roles and still be equal- though I do think that those roles can vary from couple to couple. There are few absolutely defined that are really as essential to be given to one or the other as we make them out to be.
I do, however very much like the idea of asking parents for their blessing. If you ask for her hand and they say no- do you still take it? If so, then why ask? What you can do, instead, is ask for their blessing. Their blessing is something which is theirs to give. Their daughter's hand, however, is not.
You are not coming to take a father's daughter from his family (and control) and place her in yours (and under your control) You are coming to let them know that you want to form a family with their daughter, and as such you want them to be a part of your family and to be a part of theirs. This is what you are asking for. Asking for a hand is asking for permission, or worse ownership.
I think it's a big leap from a guy asking for a woman's hand in marriage to- "She has no ability, or right, to interact with God or society on her own- her covenants are with and her ruler is the patriarchal figure in her life." The former, along with the other "sexist" marriage traditions Brett mentioned, do not bother me in the least. For while I know that they are rooted in sexism, they are no longer imbued with that meaning. The meaning of traditions can change over time, as people take a new kind of ownership of them. Today, the word "permission" is inappropriate to use with the tradition of asking the father for your girlfriend's hand, because that is no longer the idea brought to the tradtion. While I agree that the name implies such, still, I think almost all men approach the tradtion with the idea of seeking support and a blessing. I don't think men even say the words, "I'd like your daughter's hand" when having the conversation. They say, "I'd like your blessing."
Now the latter, the stuff about a woman having her relationship to God mediated through a man, I do find enormously offensive. Unlike the other traditions, which are secular traditions, and which the couple are free to define in their own way, such things are rooted in religion and are still connected with current religious teachings. When it comes to things like the vows or covenants, traditions that imply the inferiority of women should cease. Which is why vows that used to include the woman saying that she will "love honor and OBEY" her husband have largely been dropped. And I would certainly support any other religious tradtion which still clings to such wording to cease doing so.
You say that If "he’s a real man, then he’ll marry the girl because he and she both want it, hopefully with the support of all parents involved, but even without."
I'm afraid I must disagree. Having a "screw you, I'll do what I want" attitude is not a quality of a "real man". While this plague is common today, among both men and women, I think this attitude is a major reason why society acts the way it does today.
My thinking is this: sometimes people can be blinded by love. If my wife's father did not give his blessing, I might reconsider my proposal depending on WHY he does not give his blessing. For something like "you're not Jewish", might not get as much reconsideration; however, the girl's father typically knows her more than you do, and if he were to say something like "I don't think you two are very compatible", I might honestly reconsider. If nothing else, I would definitely think long and hard on whether or not my rose-tinted glasses are not letting me properly see reality.
To me, being a "real man" is being able to admit you don't know everything and being willing to take another's idea in to consideration.
See, this is the problem right here. Nowadays women have gone places they were never intended to go, the family unit has since collapsed, and in turn we have 11 year olds having sex and young girls with six kids to six different guys. The "old days" that they complain about were a far sight better than the way things are today. Society has gone from Leave It To Beaver to Sex and the City.
Wait... I think it is very important we recognize today's societal problems and seek to address them. Many abandoned traditions would be good to revisit. However, I think a false romantization of the past is rarely healthy.
Katie,
I don't think it's much of a leap at all because that situation is not only where the tradition of "asking for her hand" began (with either a bride price and ownership or a dowry and paternalism) but that we still use the same language. In asking a woman's father for her hand you are asking a woman's father for a portion of her body that he does not own, nor have right to grant. Even if you feel that when man and woman become married they then have co-ownership of one another- it is not the parents of either individual that can grant that or give that- which is why I am still extremely uncomfortable with that specific language.
I think the tradition of meeting with parents (either father, mother, or both) is, in fact, a very good one and has positive elements. It is something I may very well do one day in the future. But, I can't be comfortable with asking for the hand (or any other body part) of someone's daughter. Doing so inherently denotes at minimum requesting permission. I will, however, tell her parents of my intentions as it seems the noble and courteous thing to do. I will ask for her parent's blessing as it is something I hope to have that only they can grant.
Oh, and I agree with Russ as well that if parents refused to give their blessing I would certainly reconsider my proposal. However, if I still both believed and felt that it was right I would not in any sense presume to honor the wishes of the person I loved less than the wishes of her parents.
You guys need to get on over to http://www.fastseduction.com, stop being AFCs, learn how be de-betaize and Man It Up. You will never ask another being for permission to do something that you believe in again in your whole life.
It is not "permission" to buy a man's daughter---the man is asking for a blessing, MAN-TO-MAN (obviously, this is the *REAL* issue some of these women have, it's with the whole guy thing. Can't have males bonding without wymyn screaming sexist.). Let me clue you in: marriage is not merely an individual act (horrors!), but the founding of a family (whether or not you have children) and you are becoming part of a larger extended family. It shows respect to the family you are becoming part of, and it cements relationships. I would never have married a man who didn't agree. Men have their traditions, too... or would you rather that women stop having their own traditions because THOSE are sexist? Ridiculous.
But, I do think that is different from asking permission from the father of the bride to be, and I understand why so many equate "asking for her hand" with asking permission.
And if the lady you wish to marry feels slightly ill at the idea, if you want to marry her you probably shouldn't do this. Otherwise it's a very touching ritual of family connection, like being walked down the aisle.
That said, I have some friends who like that kind of thing. Traditions run deep, so it's fair enough that you need to give advice to those whose fiancees want them to do this. I just think that WHEN you talk about whether you should get married, it's a good idea to ask if she'd want that kind of thing.
Just my opinion- I know a lot of women would disagree.
"I have to object to this one. I agree that this concept is anti-feminist, but I also believe that it is unmanly to rely on (or pretend to rely on, even worse) another man’s opinion or blessing in this way and to this degree."
Coop,
It's not about you. It is about your future wife's father. Asking him for your girlfriend's hand shows a kind of respect that he may get nowhere else. Most fathers nowadays know that the only answer they can give is a "yes", but they will appreciate the respect you showed them.
Marriage is something we agreed to earlier by ourselves. I told her that I would ask her parents' blessing. She found this to be endearing. I'd like to reiterate that it's a "blessing" or approval not the final say. We'd get married anyways if they disapproved, but this would be hard, we both have great relationships with our families and wouldn't want to ruin that. We've already merged families a little bit (they met when we both graduated college) and I would be very saddened if they were disappointed/disapproved. I'd prob sit down (over dinner) with her mom, dad and stepmom because they all care about and love her, I wouldn't want to exclude any of them because they're all her closest family. Although I kinda do anticipate a separate talk with her Dad too. Thanks for reading my kinda different take.
I've dialed the number like 7 times and no luck, everyone's bound to think I copped out lol.
I'll just have to try again tomorrow.
With regards to my opinion on it - yes I suppose the tradition does have a sexist stigma however I do not feel that by observing a tradition you are making any kind of statment about being sexist. I would not consider myself sexist in te least but I will always hold a door open for a lady etc.
I really like the notion of someone above mentioning the 5/15/20 year plan... I think I'll include that when I finaly get through lol.
Good luck everyone with this!!
asking wasnt hard.
but, looking him in the eye was.
overall, he was relieved.
If the woman says yes and the father says no - will you REALLY respect his wishes? If not, why bother asking?
Secondly. @ Ayla - let's take this in sequence.
1. Why not ask the girl's mother?
The main reason to ask a father, rather than a mother, is because the father is seen as the head of the family. (Inasmuch as this could possibly be okay, it's only in situations where you are taking your girlfriend away from her family and out of her home. It makes absolutely no sense, IMHO, when the woman has already left home and established herself independently.)
At the same time, in most American households nowadays there is not a clear hierarchy between husband and wife - i.e. the wife is not expected to be subordinate to her husband's decisions and have no input. (I think this is a very good thing.) For that reason, I do think the man should ask the woman's parents, both of them. The other reasons people have advanced here - particularly the idea of getting the father's "take" on how well you two might work out - apply equally strongly to the mother. In fact, the mother might have a better idea than the father does, depending on what the woman's relationship with each is.
2. Why doesn't the woman ask the man's parents?
Easy: because the man asks the woman to marry him, not the other way around. I think that (again, primarily in situations where the man's parents are still a part of his life, and particularly when he still lives at home) a man should ask his parents before he proposes, whether getting married to the woman is, in their opinion, a good idea. But if his parents think it's a good idea, the next move is his. He's the one asking the woman to marry him. Having the woman ask the man's parents, whether before or after the proposal, would be extraordinarily awkward for the man. And again, as long as a man is proposing to a woman who still lives with her parents, I think he should be the one to ask her parents.
Maybe that's chauvanist of me, I don't know - but I'm in my early 20s, and I don't know any woman my age who wouldn't want the same thing. It goes right along with being mature, gentlemanly, and chivalrous in general.
It absolutely did not offend me in any way, and I did not feel like I was being reduced to any sort of chattel.
I believe, as in so many other situations, this is a matter of personal choice. If the principals involved feel it is something they want, they go for it. If not, then don't.
just my.02
I don't feel that it is anti-feminist or dis-empowering. Truly, I felt really empowered and secure that my husband was taking into account the feelings and mind of my family. He was also making his own place in my family, and not just being the in-law partial outsider.
Questions:
1. Should I ask the dad out to lunch or dinner alone, or should I visit them both (him and her step-mom) at their place.
2. Do I bring the ring with me to give them a peek, or absolutely not?
3. I think I'd like to also tell her mom. I know she will be super excited. Do I need to be very official about this (again, a dinner?) or can I just do it at her house? Also, same question about showing the ring to her.
Thanks.
1. Just ask the dad out to lunch.
2. Don't show him the ring. Women love to show off the ring to their friends and loved ones once its been secured on their finger. This will ruin the surprise that is rightly hers.
3. You don't have to be formal with her mom, but it would be nice to let her know. Again, save the unveiling of the ring for your proposal.
Good luck!
I think all of those who said "we don't need the family's blessing" just goes to show who you have on your mind...you're own pride. Get rid of it, if you don't care about anyone elses respect then how can you expect respect from others.
history. But what I have read and observed is as follows:
The purpose of the dowry is the provide the bride with money and
properties enough to supply her with sufficient income to keep
her in the luxury she's been accustomed to while living under her
father's care. The dowry is usually placed in a trust and belongs
to the woman or her family if the marriage fails. This helps the
family establish a good financial foothold to help the family grow.
The income available to the new husband (especially if he comes
from a poorer family) can rarely cope with his new brides needs.
The new husband is usually starting a new career.
Usually the "fairer" the potential bride the lower the dowry the
father can offer, since suitors can usually be found in the
more wealthier circles of society. For the less "fair" brides
the dower is really nothing more than a bribe to get her out
of the house.
I imagine that reverse dowries are possible in a situation
where a woman plays a major role in a family business.
The potential husband giving a sizable "gift" to the women's
family as payment for raising her and for any lost income
from her absence. This form of dowry is probably disturbing
to some people and is commonly practiced in some African
tribes where cows are the medium of exchange.
If you think paying someone to marry a human being is wrong
here in the west it is common practice for corporations to
take out large insurance policies on their employees to cover
the cost of finding and training a replacement if they leave.
Usually the employee has no inkling with whom the contract is
made and for how much.
When a man asks the woman's father for her hand it is usally the
start of the negotiation process.
And even leaving the inappropriateness of encouraging my parents to make my decisions for me aside, it's still like holding a door open for a woman, and then being surprised or offended when she does the same for you. One-sided courtesy is still sexism, courtesy or no.
Also shaping my opinion is the fact that I'm in the queer community, surrounded by people who have been rejected or even disowned by their families for the crime of being lesbian, or gay, or transsexual. So I don't really see leaning on the advice of parents as such a universally good idea.
So I understand the idea of respect, but I don't think this is a gentlemanly or respectful thing to do in any way, shape, or form. Sorry.
Even if my dad said no, i would respect that. He knows men better than i do because he is one. not only that, he raised me so he knows what i need. Now, i might have to say, okay, i will wait, but this is the person i am going to marry and i will wait till we have your blessing, and i wont see anyone else. it may be hard, and it may be a long time, but i think it is worth it.
Not oly that, you dont want to start off on the wrong foot with your in laws!! lol
if not then i would ask around a week before u ask, or when you start plannin how you will ask
take it or leave it :)
My g/f comes from a wealthy family and she has two degrees. Me, I have a GED, and I'm an entrepreneur. But together, me and her have grown as people, we have a deep friendship and love for one another. We pray together, worship together and have maintained a pure relationship abstaining for marriage for the last 3 years going on our 4th now.
However, me and her father have a lot in common, but he wants her to marry some rich doctor, someone who is already successful.
I really just don't understand how to get his approval.
Her family, however, is some what more accepting of things, and may actually give some approval. I plan to speak first with her mother, mainly because her father spends most of his time away from home on business, but I will speak with both together and ask for their acceptance of our decision and express that we would like to be on good terms with the family. While we would like to have both families blessings, we won't hinge our future on their decision to give or withhold them.
Our biggest hang up is that we are both female. Now, before the religious begin the "Marriage is for a man and a woman" speech, we do not plan to have our little ceremony in a church. While I think same-sex couples should have the right to marry, I believe that it should be up to each church/temple/synagogue to decide if they will hold the ceremonies or not.
If anyone has any constructive advice on how I should approach talking to her family, I would greatly appreciate it. Unless something better comes to light, I will go with the traditional route listed above.
"What if he refuses ?" What do you do then,do you elope and marry
her regardless ? If that is your contingency plan then you don't respect
her father,so why make a big show of things by asking ?
In that case you are being two-faced by pretending
'I respect you as long as things go my way'
If you ask her father and he refuses,then ask him for his reasons.
Perhaps he has seen a charector flaw in you that you are not aware of,
or perhaps there is some simple thing like you not having a steady job or
some obstacle that can be overcome before the marriage can proceed.
Or continue the relationship with his daughter and hope he changes his mind,
or wait till he dies (of natural causes) the marry her.
Have the backbone to (a) ask his permission and accept his decision.
or (b) be honest with yourself that you are going to ask her regardless.
If it's (b) then ask her and then inform him later.
Ironically both of them were against it.
We've been married 16 years, mostly great times with the occasional down.
My in-laws seem to adore me now, and I'm also very fond of them both.
Asking for permission=bad.
Asking for a blessing=good.
A surprisingly large number of woman on here =bitter and/or missing the point.
merci beaucoup
If you exclude your potential future mother-in-law from this important discussion you might be getting off to a really bad start in your relationship with her.
Obviously check the situation out with your girlfriend beforehand - does she think it would it be best to talk to both her mother and her father at the same time? And would she like to be there too, or not? She is the best person to advise you on this.
All in all he really appreciated me asking for his blessing, I was happy to ask him and recieve his blessing. My fiance would not have had it any other way.
The main difficulty with this article (indicated by the many objections) is that it requires a social context, and a certain approach to raising children, that is sadly lacking today. And unfortunately, restoring this laudable approach requires acting as if it were already customary.