Art of Manliness - Latest Comments in Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Steve Borts — Thu, 05 Jun 2014 03:55:27 -0000

My oldest daughter's boyfriend (now husband0 called me on the phone to ask the question.

I told him I'd have to call him back. Then I hung up.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

susan — Mon, 02 Jun 2014 17:51:45 -0000

I am really grateful to have read this article and all of the comments. My future son-in-law first proposed to me, with the ring in hand, asked me to be his mother-in-law, before my daughter knew anything about it. Sweetest thing ever! My daughter's Dad (my ex) can be a real jerk sometimes and so we've all been discussing whether boyfriend should ask Dad at all. I originally said "No." but I think it will do a lot to make Dad feel included and while my daughter and her Dad haven't always been close, I think Dad should be asked for his approval/support, not permission. Dad was always there for her and always loved and supported her in his own confused way. If Dad says "No." it doesn't matter. They're asking for approval, not permission. For all you femiNazi's on here, you will not likely meet 2 women more independent than my daughter and I. No one is making any decisions here for them. If you even suggested that my daughter is property or chattel I assure you that you would live to regret it. It is simply a way to honor tradition and make all feel happy. All people have the right to make their own decisions for their own lives. We all have different personalities and different families. The thing I just detest about so-called feminists is that they think that they have the right to determine for other women what is or is not right. YOU are the real chauvinists here. Thankfully, I am a true feminist and I will do whatever I like regardless of your dictator like opinions. Dad will be asked for his approval because it is not chauvinist to be considerate of the feelings of others. Yes, so-called feminism. Heavy Sigh.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Steven — Fri, 23 May 2014 19:17:34 -0000

It's a sign of respect to the father. Get it? Didn't think so. Feminism. *sigh*

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Sarah — Tue, 20 May 2014 00:46:10 -0000

Female view: My partner and I are planning to get married soon. I know he's already bought the ring because I had to try it on for sizing purposes. I WANT my partner to ask my father, because I'd like for my father and my partner to be on good terms from day dot. It's been very interesting reading all these posts and they've given me a few great ideas. we are planning to ask both parents together. My partner's parents are fantastic and would welcome our engagement with open arms. My Dad asked his father in law when he wanted to marry my Mum, so it's a generational thing.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Beryl — Mon, 28 Apr 2014 21:46:54 -0000

Ask both parents, since first of all the mom gave birth, then the mom also contributed to the household.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Bill — Wed, 23 Apr 2014 22:53:51 -0000

I've known my soon-to-be father in law for several years, and this was still the hardest part of the engagement process (most of which occurred this weekend).

As young men, many of us are taught some of the skills of "manhood," but no one will ever be able to teach you how to ask a man to hand over his most precious, beloved thing in the world. [note: I know that women are not things- just suffering from lack of poetic inspiration]

With that said, this guide was incredibly helpful for getting my thoughts organized and making sure I managed to stutter at least the most important parts to her father.

Based on my experience:
1) Stop making excuses and just ask- It's a great sign of respect both to your future father in law and his family as well as your future wife
2) Prepare for it to be difficult, even uncomfortable, but worthwhile

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

LucanWin — Mon, 17 Mar 2014 12:44:33 -0000

I asked my father-in-law for his blessing, even though he didn't like me. Maybe it was actually because he didn't like me. I gave myself a 50-50 chance of getting his blessing. I would still have proposed, but it would mean a lot more trouble.

Thankfully he gave it. And I'm sure part of the reason is that he thought me asking him man to man how he felt about marrying his only daughter was a sign of respect for him and his role in raising his daughter.

The point I can see here with other comments is that a lot of women don't see it as important, where a lot of men do. Why ask? Its not for her benefit, it is purely for her father, to make sure that he thinks that the way you go about life is generally ok. Just make sure your asking for his blessing, and not permission.

Don't forget, even if you hate him or he hates you, he will still be her father, and somewhat yours. It's all good to say 'I don't care what they think of me they don't run my life' however, unlike what some posts suggest, that sounds much more 'childish' than, 'if there is a problem we need to talk about it, because we're about to get a whole lot closer'.

It's a guy thing. Just because some women don't understand it, doesn't mean it's wrong. Don't get suckered by women who tell you it's offensive. They see it as their dad controlling it because it THEIR dad. Think about how you might sometimes act when your parents give you advice.

If you want to be treated as an equal, don't rebel like a naughty teenager, ask like a man what he thinks of you.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Beryl — Mon, 10 Mar 2014 04:03:43 -0000

Interesting topic.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Nathan — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 14:40:21 -0000

I asked my father and mother in law both at the same time, the day after we met for the first time.
We were out sailing on their boat in Northern Sweden. At the sunset we were eating diner on the deck.
They were blown away by the fact that I asked so respectfully and with eloquence.
After I was done asking and making my point, the father made a pause looked me in the eyes and said " I would like to hear my sons say that..." then he raised his glass and said " Welcome to the family." That was one of the greatest achievements of my life. I now hopefully have set the bar for my son if I m blessed with one. I will tell him that story and encourage him to do the same when the time comes. Respect is EVERYTHING.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Chip — Tue, 11 Feb 2014 15:02:14 -0000

Funny thing about this article I did this almost the exact same way. Asked my Father in law over breakfast at a diner. Sometimes things like this have less to do your soon to be fiancé or yourself but everything to do with respect for your Father in Law. It went a long long way. I am glad I did it. He respected me for it more for doing it. My sisters husband never did ask my Dad, He always was a little miffed about it. Some people think its old fashioned and some woman find it insulting. Its not about you or her. Its about The Father in Law and respect and tradition. Those things go a long way in life.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Cliff — Sat, 14 Dec 2013 03:33:47 -0000

Men have an incredibly strong instinct to be protective and this tradition is an incredibly respectful way of transferring that instinctive responsibility. It's a significant compliment to the woman.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Darius — Thu, 28 Nov 2013 23:18:44 -0000

I am going to ask my Girlfriend's parents for their daughter's hand in marriage on Sunday. I'm real nervous but think it's important not only to be respectful but to include her parents in on our marriage.

I don't understand how asking for the hand in marriage is anytihng but treating her parents like family and letting them know that their opinion matters. I don't think many parents wouldn't want this type of relationship and communication with someone their daughter or son was going to marry. Furthermore, anyone who would dump someone for being considerate and reaching out to their parents to discuss something so important is probably not someone worth dating no less marrying to be honest.

Anyway, thanks for the article - it helped!

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

tori — Wed, 27 Nov 2013 10:44:36 -0000

I speak as an independent woman. As a woman that needs no man to show me how to load the dishwasher, pluck a chicken, skim fresh cream and whip up some butter (right before I turn out a hot meal that'll blow your socks off) I have to say that I have no interest in a man that cannot or will not honor my father by asking for his permission to marry his daughter. There is nothing degrading about the practice. It's a respectful gesture. I got married at 19. My husband asked for my dad's permission. BECAUSE he is a respectful man. He already knew my feelings for him and wanted to honor my father by showing consideration for his feelings, as well. The family structure in this country is breaking down and it's sad. "Independent woman" is worn like a badge of honor, when in reality it most often means "angry woman with a chip on her shoulder and daddy issues." I hope our children (we have both sons and daughters) find spouses that care enough for our input. I know my husband would never give his blessing to a young man that I wouldn't, so asking us both is redundant. Great article.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Charles — Thu, 21 Nov 2013 22:49:17 -0000

I would like to say, that asking the father for his daughters hand in marriage is very important to me, I like to think of myself as an Old Fashion man, I'm only 35 and within a few days will be having the talk with my gf's father while we are at dinner.

For me, asking the father's blessing for his daughters hand is not sexist it's tradition, after all it's the thought that should count. we as men don't have to ask. sometime people put to much thought into the past. Women dream about their wedding day, some men think about how they will propose, and asking the father is one of those things. Let's not take a positive thing and blow it out of proportion here. this is about love and a simple asking the father for his blessing. everyone has an opinion on how things should be done and their way they would do things. but for those of us who like this idea, don't try to make us out to be sexist. there is nothing wrong with sticking with tradition.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

ellie — Fri, 08 Nov 2013 05:23:47 -0000

As a woman, from my perspective, I adore and respect my parents. BUT, if my future husband were to ask my father for my "hand" or his blessing, that would be it for us.
I am not property to be given away, I was raised to make my own decisions and support myself, when I am ready to be married, which won't be for another 10-15 years, And FYI for all of those fathers worried about getting "pegged" with a bill.
I will be paying. And eloping. To a deserted island. My mother, for all of her many fantastic qualities, likes to take over EVERYTHING, what can I say, the woman is a perfectionist, she can turn out parties that seem like they cost millions with $20 and the contents of her china cupboard, and while I appreciate this, it's not the backpacking fanatic, cropped-haired, future translator daughter she raised . That would be my sister.
I could philosophize for hours about this, and offend thousands, but here's the thing, my parents raised me to be my own, autonomous individual being, unless he's an abusive scumbag, they understand, I'm a big girl, and can handle myself. Anyways, they raised me to be that way.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Betty — Fri, 27 Sep 2013 12:13:15 -0000

I loved my boyfriend, but if he or any man asked for my father's hand in marriage, I would turn him down. Not only do I find this a little condescending (Why would my parent's make this life-changing decision? We're both adults, right?), but my father is a racist. He might say no to my fiance simply because he is of another race.
Second of all, I don't like my father. There are bountiful sordid reasons for this which I won't detail, but the point of this comment is: KNOW YOUR FUTURE FIANCE! If she is very independent and/or has a complicated background it's a bad idea to ask her father. Just bad all around.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

David — Wed, 25 Sep 2013 22:18:27 -0000

Hello everybody,

I am in a long distance relationship for near two years, and the relationship with my girlfriend is super good. The problem is that she is living in Europe and Im living in America. The next winter she's coming to my country and I have planned to ask to her to marry me. Recently my girlfriend revealed to me that she would appreciate if I could ask to her mother for her hand in Marriage. My problem is that if I will do which my girlfriend wants, then I will wait for 8 months before I could travel to Europe ... In first instance my goal is to give her a ring in order to stablish a formal relationship and take time to prepare a wedding with enough time. What do you think? should I wait to travel to her country in order to ask her mother for her daugher in marriage? or should I ask to my girlfriend to marry me in my country in a special evening on the sea and then asking her mother by skype video conference?

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Ben G — Tue, 13 Aug 2013 20:43:13 -0000

I've known my wife since we were both 6. Our families were close for several years before she and I became romantically inclined. That, combined with her dad being a man of VERY few words, made the whole asking for his daughter's hand easier. But still, talk about a nervous guy!! It was over the phone, but still.

Asking the father BEFORE asking the girl is important. If you ask her and she accepts before the dad has a clue, you're really just informing him, not asking him. You're taking away his "choice" as it were. Of course, he can always do like the guy from "Fiddler on the Roof" did: "I give my blessing AND my permission." (for those of you who have no clue what I'm referring to, the very traditional Jewish man was just informed by his daughter that she was marrying a non-Jew, which was taboo in that era. At first he refuses permission, but is then told that they're not asking for his permission, as they are getting married anyway, but would like his blessing.)

Asking the father shows him that you are serious about the relationship and really sets the groundwork for a good relationship in the future. As a guy who's seen the good, bad, and ugly when it comes to relationships with your inlaws (and her inlaws too, btw), you want to start out on as good a foot as possible.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Marianne — Fri, 26 Jul 2013 16:11:09 -0000

My husband spoke to my father privately to ask for my hand before he took me to meet his mother. We had already decided to get married, (he had even given me a ring at that point) but my husband felt it was important to ask my Dad. We both lived in Ohio but Mom and Dad were in New Hampshire, so we went up for a visit before we went out to San Francisco to visit his mother. My Dad was very flattered, and very impressed that my husband would be so chivalrous. They have had a good friendship since then - it has been 27 years.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Archie — Mon, 08 Jul 2013 09:20:51 -0000

@windy ridge giant 44

so sorry to hear of this recent event. You sound like a good man, and i'm saddened and surprised to hear of such narrow-mindedness from a fellow Scot. I thought as a people we were better than that. Best of luck to you and your wife in sorting out this mess. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Archie — Mon, 08 Jul 2013 09:16:51 -0000

Asking for blessing rather than permission makes more sense. Every situation is unique, but no woman is 'owned' by her father to 'give' to someone else, no matter what religion or belief system they participate in. It's an old tradition that shows respect and allows two men to bond over the one thing (at least) which you both love completely. In most cases I would assume a positive answer, in which case it's a respectful and happy moment which both men will remember with fond memories. If he says no but you still want to, then go ahead in any case unless the father has raised good reason for concern which should be considered.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Erika — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 07:15:49 -0000

I read this below:

Any male who asks a woman’s father permission is showing that he is a boy, not a man

What a complete and utter RUBBISH. Asking the fathers permission is a wonderful tradition and it takes a real man to stand up and say those words, both to the woman, and to the father. My fiancee and I got engaged last Saturday, and today is the day he will be asking my father. They have a good relationship already and there is zero doubt in anyone's mind that my father would be delighted and say a thousand times yes, partly because he thinks very highly of my fiancee, but also because (and this is the key) no sensible parent should ever say no to a man their daughter has already said yes to, and that is really the bottom line there. If the father sees a guy makes his daughter happy, he has to say yes. So please, no "asking him means the fiance is just a boy" because this is the stupidest, most ignorant, and bitter comment i read in a very long time.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Tom — Tue, 02 Jul 2013 14:53:54 -0000

I've been married for 10 years. I did not ask my wife's father or mother for their blessing. I've always regretted it.

Now that we have kids, I see that this conversation is really the only time that the bride's parents have to weigh in on what they think of their new son-in-law. If I ask for their blessing, it's on them to tell me what I need to change for them to be happy. If they don't, that's on them. If a couple marries without the parents having the chance to weigh in, resentment can kick in.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Al — Tue, 02 Jul 2013 03:59:04 -0000

The thing I find so silly about this, other than the whole "why does any adult woman have to answer to her father anyway?" question, is the pointlessness of it. What if the dad says "no," like on Everybody Loves Raymond? Well, you get married anyway. Hence, if the answer doesn't really matter, the idea of asking the question...don't get it.

As with most traditions, this is just done because it used to be, back in the days of a dowry, arranged marriages, and the like. Thankfully, we've moved past those days. We should have moved past this eons ago.

Re: Asking a Woman’s Father For Her Hand In Marriage

Rob — Mon, 01 Jul 2013 19:57:36 -0000

Hello men. I just wanted to reaffirm with all of you that this tradition is not completely dead. I am proposing to my girlfriend later this year and I am planning a dinner with both her father and mother. I decided to include her mother because both of her parents play a vital role in her life. So much so that I think her mother would be offended if I didn't include her as well. Also, her mother is much more open about how much she likes me as her daughter's boyfriend. Her dad likes me but he shows it less than her mother does. So I think her mother would help soften the surprise of the conversation. Wish me luck fellas!