What a great post. It made me want to be into some sort of relationship again...too bad I only encounter bad experiences. I guess every single thing has a right timing for everybody, including right relationships with the right person.
Corey
· 1 year ago
There is no way around the fact that marriage is work. But everything in life of value requires work. To simplify it even more, to make a marriage work only requires two people who choose to stay married. Marriage is not all the movies portray it to be, it has both good and bad. But going through this with someone else makes it all the better.
Sam
· 1 year ago
Another thing...listen to what your family and friends think about her. I think you should really be careful if everyone is telling you that she's not a good choice, even if everything else seems to be going smoothly. A 3rd party point of view is very helpful...its like watching someone play chess. When you are outside of the game...you can can see bad and good moves that the person playing can't see :)
a husband
· 1 year ago
I think something really important is knowing that there isn't just "one" person out there. I don't mean that to sound unromantic, but when you decide that you want this one to be "the one," then from that moment on — every single day — you choose that one to be your one.
I don't want to be too wordy, but marriage is a commitment, and having the thought of "did I marry the right one?" will only make you question that commitment.
A girl
· 1 year ago
I agree with "a husband". People get so caught up in finding "the one" that they forget that everything in life is a decision. Human nature can be fickle and changing - but what makes us go beyond our lower self and achieve our greater potential is by honoring our word and living by principle. The same applies to marriage. A marriage requires commitment, dedication, and work just like everything else in life.
yoga
· 1 year ago
14 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage <<<<
Mark
· 1 year ago
I am divorced and spent about 5 years fighting for 50% custody of my two daughters. After losing just about everything financially, I am finally back on track professionally and my kids are doing great.
However, I doubt I'll marry ever again. If I do, my child support will go way up if I marry a woman who works out of the house, or I could be liable for major alimony if she doesn't. I believe in marriage in the abstract, but many of the laws today in most states make marriage a trap for men, especially given the 50% divorce rate, and the very punitive, anti-male laws enforced in family court, a civil court where Constitutional protections do not apply.
Unless one wants children, why would any single man today want to get married?
Dave
· 1 year ago
Some people want to get married because of their personal morals prohibit pre-marital sexual relationships. That would be one solid reason why a single man who didn't want kids would get married.
TiSport
· 1 year ago
nu inteleg ...cred ca e interesant
fathersez
· 1 year ago
I liked this article. Though I had some diagreements with my wife to be, in general I can say "YES" to all your suggestions.
I also added in "Can you trust her?" and "Will she make a good mother to our children, a good sister in law to my siblings, a good daughter in law to my parents and a good friend of my friends"....or something along those lines.
And we got married. Now 5 kids and 23 years later, I will marry her all over again.
To all those guys out there staying single, you are really missing out.
Cheers
Yoav
· 1 year ago
#5 is not serious
What man isn't a BIT scared of getting married?
Brett McKay
· 1 year ago
I wasn't. Just a little nervous.
Charlie
· 1 year ago
DAVE- Not wanting to have sex until after marriage is setting yourself up for potential sexual unhappiness. It is really best to find out if you are sexually compatible before the wedding.
dysko
· 1 year ago
Not really... but that is something that two people can argue about all day long.
Having sex prior to marriage sets you up for potential sexual unhappiness. Think of it in terms of ice cream. If you try all the flavors and end up with something less than the best for the rest of your life, you are always wishing you had your favorite flavor. However, if you have only ever tried vanilla, vanilla is good ice cream and you enjoy it blissfully unaware of what you are missing out on!
As was stated previously, it is a moral decision that some people make to be chaste prior to marriage. If you really think sex before marriage is a wise decision, then I am not going to convince you otherwise... especially via little messages on a blog. You have got to make your own decisions.
bob
· 1 year ago
good point, but what about pre-marital sex with someone you intend to marry?
Tramo
· 1 year ago
I completely disagree with pre-marital sex not being important. Sex is the moment when you're the most intimate with a person, and illustrates how you really feel with a person. If you completely trust and really love the other person, sex will be good from the start, and become fantastic after a few months. If you aren't 100% in line with the other person, you will still be satisfied in the end (that's sex for you), but you will not have had the feeling you would have had great sex, because you weren't yourself (because you didn't 100% trust her), or because you're not on the same wavelength.
Jessica
· 1 year ago
"Sexual compatibility is a truly crazy idea. Nobody is born with a particular style in bed, people LEARN to have sex. Anyone can learn in a marriage: there's all the time in the world, you're completely safe, and mistakes are just funny because you love each other...On the other hand, no one can properly learn to have sex outside a marriage: there isn't any time, you have no security in the relationship, and mistakes are humiliating because - let's face it - you're on an audition.
All you can do in that sort of relationship is pick up a couple of sexual "habits." When unmarried people chatter about sexual compatibility, what they mean is that the sexual habits that the woman picked up in sleeping with her previous men just happen to resemble the sexual habits that the man picked up in sleeping with his previous women." (J. Budziszewski)
Oogie Pringle
· 1 year ago
#4 is the best way. My wife and I have known each other since we were 13. We did start dating until we were 17. Yes we had our ups and downs, as any couple at that age would, but in the end, we kept coming back to each other. We've now been married 27 years, and it's still going string.
Jetpacks
· 1 year ago
Add to this list: Does she get along with HER parents?
Very revealing if she doesn't.
Also: Does she eat?
Eating disorders are rampant.
Chick
· 1 year ago
Very revealing if she doesn't get along with her parents?
It really depends on the situation. If, for example, she was unfortunate enough to have a parent that was abusive (be it mentally, physically or emotional), would you prefer she tough it out and pretend for your sake she gets along with them? Or, would it be better that she avoid the situation and live a healthier and happier lifestyle because of it?
antiques
· 1 year ago
This is very sweet. I'm quite sure that Brett and Kate have a fantastic, healthy friendship and relationship.
Odgie
· 1 year ago
You are right on all counts. I was nervous before the wedding, but that is because neither I nor my wife likes being the center of the attention.
Kate McKay
· 1 year ago
I agree with the idea of that marriage involves committing to the one you married. But I also believe in the idea of "the one," the idea that there really is something akin to soulmates.
I do think that for every person there are many people in the world they could marry and have a happy and solid marriage. But I also think there are a few people, or maybe a single person out there who is your perfect soulmate.
Brett McKay
· 1 year ago
"Unless one wants children, why would any single man today want to get married?"
How about to have a constant companion and best friend, someone to share all the ups and downs of life with? Life is far more fun and fulfilling with someone by your side. There's an expression I heard once, that said something to the effect of, "shared sorrow is half sorrow, shared joy is double joy."
Andrew
· 1 year ago
Is there a reason to sign a legal document of commitment in order to have a best friend, and someone to the share ups and downs of life with? I've had friends all my life who play those roles, but the married people I know tend to spend less time with friends and more time just together with themselves.
Cameron Schaefer
· 1 year ago
I think an important factor in knowing if she's the one is whether or not you are proud to introduce her to your friends and family.
One of the best things about my wife was how I felt having people meet her when we were just dating and then engaged. I knew that she was incredible and would never embarrass me or make me feel awkward in front of those closest to me.
If you are scared to have your friends and family meet her, chances are, she's not the one for you.
manmails
· 1 year ago
Great point about being proud of her! I was pretty impressed with my wife when we first married, and now, 21 years later, I just stand in awe of her! I mean proud isn't a strong enough word for how I feel about her now. Admirer sounds about right. She is definately the better half of us.
QuantumKnight
· 1 year ago
The choosing of the right person to be your wife is probably within the top 3 decisions of your life that will either build you or break you. The best thing one can do is to pray as early as possible in one´s life to have God bring you the right person He has for you. One thing that I would suggest is to look into your chosen one´s family to see if there is any family history of divorce. This brings an iniquity and mental traumas that are really difficult to work with. So if possible check that she comes from an stable family with good Christian principles in place.
I get most of the pics for this site on flickr.com.
Tim
· 1 year ago
i would add that for a great marriage - there should be no obvious difference between the pre and post marriage relationship. My point being that the relationship should be great before the marriage. Getting married , having a wedding, etc will never fix a bad relationship. Also - don't get wrapped up in the wedding day and def don't get into debt. Its one day and the marriage will last forever!
Phil
· 1 year ago
brilliant article, I've come to expect great advice here by now, but this is probably the best I've seen.
I have a different problem which this article doesn't adress: I found 'the one'. She knows me better than I know myself and just to be near her makes me happier than logic dictates should ever be possible. To me, she is perfect in every way, and what frankly terrifies me is that I mean that literally. I've thought about almost nothing else for over a year now, and I am quite sure about how I feel. Simply put, there could never be anyone else for me. She told me she loves me too, and I believe her, but she's in a long-term relationship which shows no sign of ending. No idea what, if anything, I can do.
Congratulations (and a fair bit of jealosy) to all who managed to end up with their soulmate.
Thanks to Brett and Kate for the consistent superb advice and to the commenters for some very interesting and well articulated debates.
Kate McKay
· 1 year ago
Have you ever come right out and told her that you love her? What is keeping her with this other guy?
Phil
· 1 year ago
Yes I have, we've both been quite open with each other about how we feel, which is great, and we spend a lot of time together.
I wish I knew what is keeping her with the other guy, it's a question I've never had the courage to ask her. I've talked to him a bit and he's nice enough, but nothing special. I do have a bit of a theory though:
four years ago, she went out with a guy who would sometimes joyride. Understandably, she didn't like this so she asked him to stop. He did, and they had a fantastic relationship for two years until he left her for a very attractive blonde. Almost immediately, he realised his mistake and apolised to her, saying he wanted her back if she would have him. She was hurt, but still wanted him back too. However, she didn't want him to think that he could walk all over her so she said no, intending to let him think about his mistake for a couple of weeks and then take him back. That night, obviously angry at himself, he stole a car and crashed. He was killed instantly. She couldn't blame him, so she blamed herself, hated herself and was admitted into hospital for severe self harm several times over the next few months.
Sorry for the tragic account, she's a lot better now, and I think it is a testament to how incredibly emotionally strong she is that she can even still feel love after going through so much pain because she allowed herself to be vulnerable.
Perhaps she's with her boyfriend because she isn't all that close to him, maybe that's the only sort of relationship she can let herself be in. At least like this, she can't get hurt the way she was before.
If that's the case, I can certainly sympathise with her. When I first realised I loved her, I fought it with all my strength, I hated myself for it. I don't like feeling vulnerable and powerless, I don't like having no control over how I feel. With time, and a lot of thinking, I've come to appreciate that only by relinquishing control and accepting that some emotions are much stronger than I am can I experience the ridiculous happiness I feel whenever I even lay eyes on her, something I never could have even imagined before. I'm glad I love her, and maybe someday she'll overcome her fears, I don't know.
I'd also like to say thanks for your reply. It's amazing that you actually care about the problems of a complete stranger, and it's great for me to actually be able to get all this stuff of my chest.
Kate McKay
· 1 year ago
Well, I wish I had some good advice for you Phil. You seem very sincere and genuine about your love. But I have to say this is quite a pickle. My usual advice is to open up and be honest about your feelings, but it seems you have already done that. It's hard to say what the next step should be. When you two talk about your mutual love for one another, do you follow up by saying how you would like to have a relationship with her and how you wish she wasn't with the other guy? If you've already made that clear, I guess the only thing to do is to cross your fingers and wait. I have faith that when things are meant to be, they naturally work out. But sometimes it takes time. I wish you luck.
Phil
· 1 year ago
Being honest about your feelings is a great philosophy in almost any situation, it always amazes me how many relationship problems could be solved if the couple just told each other how they felt.
I've told her that I want nothing in the world more than to be with her, so i'll just carry on trying to make her see how good it could be and try to make her believe that I'd do everything I could to stop her getting hurt again. Other than that, I'll make the most of every single moment we spend together and hope that she'll choose me in the end.
Thanks for taking me seriously, caring, and taking the time to help.
Night Writer
· 1 year ago
Those are useful points to consider, Brett. I'm thinking, however, that there are certain questions a man ought to be asking (and able to answer) about himself to determine if HE is marriageable. Meeting Miss Right doesn't guarantee much if you don't have a clue (or a willingness to learn) about how to be Mr. Right.
So, what are those questions? I'll get back to you on that - I feel a blogpost coming on!
Rod H.
· 1 year ago
I loved this line from your father-in-law: “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” Great post. Thanks.
rodh
· 1 year ago
I loved this line from your father-in-law at your wedding: “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” Thanks. Great post..
Wrathbone
· 1 year ago
“Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” I'm acting as usher at a friend's wedding in August...mind if I use that during a toast? Because that has got to be one of the most heartwarming lines I've ever heard. Seeing as I'm single, maybe dropping that zinger will entice some ladies at the reception and I just may find my "one."
As to the rest of the article, I think it hits the nail on the head perfectly. Especially the emphasis on how natural it all comes together. So many relationships are rife with problems and tensions. Rarely do they ever seem to fit as natural as it would if the two were truly meant to be together. I really am taking a liking to this website and this article really helped put my single status into perspective. Basically I just tell myself, "be patient. When you meet her, you'll know."
Bob
· 1 year ago
The message that come through to me from merely looking at the great picture you posted is that a happy couple complement each other - they are not in competition. Look at their faces - this is happiness in the beloved.
Dan
· 1 year ago
I wish there was more information on this topic available on the Internet. Great post!
Hayden Tompkins
· 1 year ago
When I met my husband (10 years my senior) he absolutely did not believe in marriage. It was so well known that his girlfriend gave him a birthday cake with a groom-running-from-a-bride topper.
When I asked him about it later, he said that he absolutely couldn't imagine his life without me, and that I brought out the man he always felt he could be.
Above all, he knew he had my absolute loyalty. I had warned him ahead of time that I wasn't into 'starter marriages' or 'test marriages'. That the only way he was getting out of our marriage was when you could pry my cold-dead hand off of it.
Apparently, he found that ROMANTIC. Who knew.
Proposals
· 1 year ago
Loved the article, but more importantly it makes me realize the one I am with is 'the one' and I Love her all the more for it. Thanks for the reassurance!
PS. Great topic keep it up.
herr
· 1 year ago
Great tips. Though I think there are still more factors. And I know, I have not met the one of my life yet!
Anon
· 1 year ago
Totally disagree with the first criteria. While I think that "going smoothly from the beginning" is a positivite in any relationship, a rocky relationship at the beginning does not mean that you should throw in the towel. My wife and I broke up 10 or 15 times while dating. I think we had at least 20 "DTRs" It was really back and forth for the first several months and eventually we broke up for what I thought was for good. Quite a bit of time passed and I realized that I couldn't live without her. We were married just a few months later and are very very happy. We don't fight, have no major problems and I really can't think of anything I'd change in our relationship. What I realize now was really our problem in the beginning was lack of commitment and agreement on the type of relationship we should be in (I wanted a little more freedom than she did). Our fights and consequent break-ups were never about lack of compatability.
Brett
· 1 year ago
@Anon-There are definitely exceptions to every rule. I'm glad you've found happiness.
Justin
· 1 year ago
I have to call B.S. on this list. My ex and I met all the criteria, yet our marriage went down in flames after 10 years. I'm not going to go into why it ended horribly and abruptly.
Perhaps a warning: people change, mostly for the better but occasionally (as in my case) they change for the worse. Do not compromise your morals to keep your marriage together, it only delays the inevitable. Be prepared to fight and fight hard when it gets to court.
Wee Wille
· 1 year ago
I forwarded this to all my dating friends - to encourage some to break up and others to get married. This list exactly matches my wife and me - we've been together 7 and married 5 and still ON FIRE!
quirkyalone
· 1 year ago
Nice. This accurately describes my marriage and I agree with every point.
Alessandro
· 1 year ago
I think the list is a fair one, although perhaps not universally applicable. Two things I might add are: (1) Listen to what friends and family say about her; and (2) Pay attention to how she interacts with and treats others.
Often when in the midst of a romance, we can be oblivious to our girlfriend's faults. Sure, we might notice the little things that bother us, but it is remarkable how we are capable of ignoring egregious faults -- or acknowledge them and find some way of rationalizing them or discounting them. That's why we should bring her home to mom. Mom will tell you after a few interactions with her what kind of woman your girlfriend really is. Some moms are more difficult or more unfair than others, so in that case, listen to what other friends and family have to say. Thinking about my past, it's amazing how many relationships ended with me finally acknowledging problems that I had stubbornly ignored but that others had noticed months or even years earlier.
The second thing is to pay attention to how your girlfriend or fiancée treats other people. If she is frequently degrading of other women, if she talks ill of co-workers, if she is indifferent to the plight of the poor, elderly, or handicapped, if she cheats or steals (even the little things) or tells little white lies all the time, she's giving you evidence that you should extrapolate to your own relationship with her. She might act like she loves and adores you when you're with her, but if she is friendly and supportive of others when they're in front of her, only to backstab them in some way when they turn around, then chances are she'll do the same to you one day.
I think "opening our eyes" a bit more can really help to find the right woman. On that note, I'll add that one should take his time. An engagement should be between 1-2 years long, and you should know her for at least that long before you pop the question. Don't propose after you know her for 3 months, get married at 9 months... chances are, you'll be divorced in a year.
Alessandro
· 1 year ago
Oh, something else you might find interesting...
On my blog, I recently commented on an article from Atlantic Monthly entitled "Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good enough." This story is from the reverse angle, of a 40-year-old woman who ponders why she never got married (mainly because she was too picky and held many feminist convictions). In the end, she regrets having turned down so many "Mr. Good Enoughs" on the search for Mr. Right.
It makes for a very interesting read, even for us men.
My new husband just sent this to me, and I must agree 110%! We met a year ago on an internet dating site, and the rest is a wonderful tale of respect, friendship and love. We are the best of friends, and can't even remember what life was like before we met. We got married ( on the sly) exactly one year to the day after he "e-wink'ed me. We are planning a "wedding' for June, where we will reveal our elopement for sentimental reasons. I never thought I could be loved like this, and I love knowing that my man is "the one" for me!
Jono
· 1 year ago
Just this last weekend I was at my Uncle and (new) Aunt's wedding. It's both of their second marriages, and at the reception during their speeches they mentioned that while they had had their rough patches, and did call the relationship quits for a little while, in the end they new they had to get married "because despite all the rough patches, it was harder being apart than it was being together".
Gus
· 1 year ago
#2 Very True!! I was going out with a very hot chick and was really caught up in the relationship. But all of my friends, and specially my female friends agreed that she was not the right girl. After we took some distance, I saw that she was a kind of two sided person. In one hand she managed to convince me she was very sweet and lovely, but in reality she had a really bad atittude and was constantly mistreating people that she wasn't interested on making a good impression. So, some women, not all, can be very deceptive. Be careful, and do your homework! Find out what is she like when she is not around you.
Anon
· 1 year ago
I love how this is written by Brett AND Kate McKay. I'd love to see #5 rewritten from an HONEST point of view. Let's face it, Brett. If your wife wasn't writing this with you, rather than telling us how you weren't nervous, you'd be giving us the truth about how freaked out you were at the thought of having one sex partner for the rest of your life.
Mark - Productivity501
· 1 year ago
I know a guy who runs a bunch of marriage seminars. He contents that a successful marriage is less about marrying the right PERSON and more about doing the right THINGS.
While you can marry someone who is difficult to get along with--most people fail in their actions after marriage. Often both parties turn into jerks. :)
Nen
· 1 year ago
this is actually a good piece of advice...but I wonder if you have the same guidelines for the ladies? how do we know the man is the right one for us? I hope Kate can give us her insight on this - how did you know that Brett is the one you're gonna marry.....if you have any ideas it will be a big help for us ladies..... sometimes females can be so darn blind.... =)
Kate McKay
· 1 year ago
Hi Nen-
Brett and I came up with this list together, so I think the guidelines listed apply equally well to men and women. The only other thing that comes immediately to mind is:
-Is he ambitious? A lot of women initially find very alluring the free spirited, drifter type. He's unique, he's deep, he's interesting. But eventually women realize that he's a bum who's never going to "find himself." This is not to say women need to find a guy who's hell bent on climbing the corporate ladder. But he should be setting some goals and taking steps towards attaining them.
Asa
· 1 year ago
I've got some questions for Brett. What were your relationships like before you met Kate? What did you learn from your previous experiences that helped your relationship with Kate? And how long have you and Kate been together now?
rdk
· 1 year ago
"-Is he ambitious? A lot of women initially find very alluring the free spirited, drifter type. He’s unique, he’s deep, he’s interesting. But eventually women realize that he’s a bum who’s never going to “find himself.” This is not to say women need to find a guy who’s hell bent on climbing the corporate ladder. But he should be setting some goals and taking steps towards attaining them."
Though I think This has cost me great relationships, I will throw my 2 cents in....I resent this. Women and men get lost. Through the last quarter century society has changed, and equality, dual income families have changed the face of "Family" and "Relationships". Now it is not the sole responsibilty of the man to be the breadwinner, and maybe it is time we as a sex explore whom we want to be, to expand our horizons.....But somehow that is unacceptable, and we get labeled BUMS! A man who labeled a woman a bum for not having clear carrer goals would be heavily chastized.
THis is why equality is not advancing. No one can have cake and eat it to. You can't go through 50 years of change and re-evaluate yourself, and change, and not expect the other sex to change and give them space to re-evaluate their stance
Dragonfly
· 1 year ago
rdk - I'm all for equality, and believe ambition should be expected from both parties. Yes, men and women are susceptible to being lost, but if you're deciding to settle down with someone 'for the long run' both parties should have compatible goals, and be able to talk and agree about where they see each other going. Whether a woman's ultimate goal is to stay at home and be the best mother she can be, or to climb the corporate ladder and be CEO (both should be acceptable, and there are stay-at-home dads too!), just HAVING goals is an important beginning for both people. The next step is working out how you can best help each other achieve them. :) I mean, who better to go through the trials and rewards of pursuing something meaningful in life, than the person you love the most and intend to spend the rest of your life with?
Slim
· 1 year ago
When do I know she is the one? When she doesn't run away and she isn't that scary to look at and be with.
Marisa Duma
· 1 year ago
Really good article. Even though not enough, considering there could be 10 or even 100 women that can be that way in a man's life.
Choosing one takes more. Perhaps a woman is the right one because the man simply loves her?
Clare
· 1 year ago
In response to Kate's ambition addition, I think it is an INCREDIBLY important factor. I do agree that it applies to both men and women, but in my experience it is usually the men who are more likely to remain in their "comfort zone" than women overall. Also, a man without at least some ambition is going to be less likely to take those important RELATIONSHIP steps that take some effort (ambition is not just important in the career world but also on a personal level) such as moving in together or proposing. I would also like to note that having ambition not only implies that you HAVE goals, but you are mature enough and willing to take the steps to reach those goals (in my opinion, the effort is more important than the goals themselves). Excellent observation; the ambition factor was definitely what ended my most recent LTR.
gabriel kalaluka
· 1 year ago
this always a difficult and scary subject to tackle, coz my worsed fear is getting stuck in a marriege that does not work, let a long be devorced with children involved.
Mia
· 1 year ago
@rdk
Being one of those women who was with a 'bum', I fully agree that it's not the sole responsibility of the man to be the breadwinner. But it's not the sole responsibility of the woman either which is what tends to happen with bums.
I would be happy to support my man while he tried to find his mission in life if he was in active pursuit of it. I was not, however, happy to support a guy who claimed to be trying to find himself but spent all day (and night) playing video games instead.
I don't think a man these days would accept a woman who expected to be looked after & supported while doing little in return. Neither will a woman. That's equality.
Antoine
· 1 year ago
I have been seeing this woman on and off for a year now. The reason I say "on and off" is because I have broken up with her several times. The thing is, is that I find other women I come across to be much more attractive and I get intense feelings when I look at other women who are more beautiful than her. I cannot help this and it happens alot. HOWEVER, this woman and I get along very well: our conflict resolution is perfect, we have fun together, we laugh together, always have something to talk about, I enjoy spending time with her, all of my friends and family like her, etc. etc... I just cant get over the fact that I am much more attracted(physically) to other women and that I get an emotional type feeling with other women just by looking at them that I do not get with her..
Martin
· 1 year ago
@Mia - I agree with you. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, after surviving a chronic depressive cycle. Everything was going wrong for me, from bank debts to rage at the office to losing my apartment and supposed friends. My girlfriend who i've been with for a year stood by me through all of it even though at some point i told her that we should break up seeing how my life had taken an Unbelievable turn for the worst. Picking up the pieces and pressing on was and still is, hard to say the least. Finding a companion who will support you through it is even harder. I am grateful that i have someone like that in my life, because they are Scarce
John
· 1 year ago
This is totally 100% correct. I knew after 2 months that she was "the one" and proposed after 6 months. We've now been married for over 9 years and have 3 wonderful children. Great article!
Brian
· 1 year ago
My woman was a bit shiftless in her desires and wants. She is 27 and still at home, but, in her younger days stayed with a dead beat for 5 some odd years, the result was having a kid. While excellent as a mother and very compatible with me, she has kind of floated along. I see her as kinda jaded through a constant barrage of crap she has gone through. I could understand - to an extent.
Career wise, I've always had a clear goal. Being younger and single, I had issues with ambition from time to time, staying in that comfort zone, but when I start seeing the world passing by me at the age of 25...I kinda feel left behind. That, and the fact, my woman has a kid jump started me a bit more. When I made the commitment to be with that particular woman...I knew she and the boy came as a package. I have no regret in the decision and found it refreshing to have a bit of stability compared to younger girls I had been with. Much less selfish.
I had my life and place organized, but a relative passed on and I had to take a hiatus to tend to my family. Of course, that, and getting laid off has put a pinch on my confidence and some on our relationship. Sure, unemployment pays the bills, but it has left our dreams together kind of put on hold...almost a bit stagnant.
I had noticed my drive to move forward inspired her ambition. While looking for good, supporting jobs, I study my trade to better my prospects. I understand the traditional breadwinner concept and do believe that is necessary...still tough any more on single income families to make it. My ultimate goal would be to make enough to where she could go to school and find something she wouldn't mind doing as a career, not just a passing job. She doesn't give me bs excuses about "finding herself". I'd ultimately want her to not have to depend on me or any one else.
That, and the fact the family dynamic just doesn't work as well with the potential in laws. Although, we get along just fine...she lives in *their* house. There will be some conflict for control.
Simple enough, move out and get a place so *our* family can strive. The boys grandparents spoil the hell out of him. I come from a relatively cut and dry family of "rights and wrongs" well established...and clear consequences for transgressions. That upbringing has been vital to my character.
Of course, while the woman has similar wants and dreams as I...Most of the weight is on my shoulders. She does carry her weight, but doesn't have the resources much beyond that. I don't mind the task, but it sure is discouraging every time a promising job comes up that would allow me, financially, to hold that weight...and it doesn't come to fruition.
My old lady has had a bit of a rough upbringing, especially being left as a single mother having to move back home. But, despite her circumstance and challenges, she has made great strides from where she WAS and where she is now.
The woman and kid is there...love them both to death. And, despite the rough currents, she sticks it out with me. But both my career and family are at a bit of a stand still. I have to tackle both a lingering sense of hopelessness, the barrage on my confidence as a provider, and a fleeting dream that I just want to have.
We both come from similar upbringings, near poverty and working damn hard for everything we ever had. But damn the circumstances I end up finding myself in. Its one thing to screw your own life up and know it, its another to have it turned up side down by factors completely out of your control. I guess it's a good test of our relationship and builds a bit of character all the same.
Well, that's my two cents. I do get a little long winded at times, so please excuse me :)
the_planarian
· 1 year ago
Originally Posted By AntoineI have been seeing this woman on and off for a year now. The reason I say "on and off" is because I have broken up with her several times. The thing is, is that I find other women I come across to be much more attractive and I get intense feelings when I look at other women who are more beautiful than her. I cannot help this and it happens alot. HOWEVER, this woman and I get along very well: our conflict resolution is perfect, we have fun together, we laugh together, always have something to talk about, I enjoy spending time with her, all of my friends and family like her, etc. etc... I just cant get over the fact that I am much more attracted(physically) to other women and that I get an emotional type feeling with other women just by looking at them that I do not get with her..
@Nen - Clearly you are not discovering a need within yourself that is being fulfilled.
If it were so easy to meet someone that met all of this criteria from the git go, I doubt the divorce rate would be topping 50%+. Truth is, we work with what we've got, and we all have different needs and upbringings. It's a bit unrealistic to expect that your spouse is going to be perfect in every aspect, and even if he/she is in the beginning, that can change.
I especially disagree with the "DTR" comment - communication is a fundamental part of every relationship. Just because puppy love carries you through the first stages, it doesn't mean that after 20 years, you're not gonna need to talk openly and frankly about a lot of things.
I wish the author the best in his relationship, but his constant affirmations of what a perfect and carefree ride his relationship has been from the start to wedding bells is a bit annoying to those of us who make the effort to quite consciously build the types of relationships we want in our lives. The BAD times are the true test of a relationship. If you've never have any, are you sure you know what you're placing stock in?
sab
· 1 year ago
Very well written!
joshua
· 1 year ago
im just at school but i have such strong feelings for this girl who, despite knowing and being my friend from when we were 4 years old, she doessnt seem to care about me much. we're not the best of friends at the moment but still good friends and even though i know she likes me at least a little bit. she doesnt want to go out with me at the moment and it makes me think its not going any where. she said going out might risk our friendship a few months ago. should i move on, ask her again or something else? please give me comments on this it will really help. joshua 13 i go to tapton school sheffield
Lou
· 11 months ago
It is not only a matter of meeting the correct person but, also meeting the correct person at the correct time. We had a mutual friend tried to put us together on two occasions one year apart and it was disastrous both times. Instant loathing. We met a year later and it clicked in 1970.
Note to Dan, the first poster: get off of the internet and seek.
kearnj
· 11 months ago
Certainly people can change. I was with a woman who I intended to marry, for six years. At the end she decided make some changes in her life which included ending our relationship. This happened a year after I moved 600 miles to be with her. I haven't found anyone who I relate to on that level or even comparable, and it's been over a year.
atacgene
· 11 months ago
Refer to "Kearnj 1/13/09" : Doesn't it totally suck when you found someone you think is the right person for you but she thinks otherwise and decide to leave the relationshIp? Aferall, the willingness to stay and work through a relationship is most important factor.
Also I totally agree with "Lada 10/9/08"
RichS1
· 11 months ago
These are all really critical things to consider before taking the plunge. The great thing about information today is that you can get it so immediately online, which is largely the venue I should thank for helping me out in every way prior to proposing to my now wife. I wasn't ever glued to the computer for every little thing, but it's nice to just search certain questions or concerts online and see what articles pop up; along with what reader advice/comments reflect upon each article.
Along with asking my friends (and computer) as to what I should consider before popping the question... I approached my proposal the same way. Now married for 2 years, I would absolutely recommend doing your engagement ring research online. I wasn't sure what material to get my wife's ring in, so started researching different precious metals. From there, I used a couple of different sites for the rest of my research: precious platinum.com and engagement guide.com. I went with platinum for the ring - had to splurge! It's a funny thing, what happens when you realize what your future ring is supposed to stand for... it's SUCH a huge deal. Hands down, platinum is the best material to choose. It's quite rare, looks incredible, has an outstanding lifespan (no wonder so many antique jewelry pieces are made of perfectly conditioned platinum, right?), it's pure, strong and 'restorable.' Best of luck to you all out there who are ready to take the next step. Certainly make sure that he/she IS the one before taking action. It sounds obvious, but reading up on pointers like those mentioned in this article is CRITICAL before deciding to propose.
CECiL
· 9 months ago
In response to your post, I have come out with a faster and easier ways to know straight away whether she is the one for you. WARNING : Not for those who are medically adverse. My response is here : http://cecilathome.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-...
socialfreedom
· 8 months ago
Wow, this is really great. People are always saying how finding "The One" is so much work, and blah, blah, blah, and it's good to see someone that feels it should be just natural and good for the most part. Great blog too... so few real men in the world today.
All Comments
I don't want to be too wordy, but marriage is a commitment, and having the thought of "did I marry the right one?" will only make you question that commitment.
However, I doubt I'll marry ever again. If I do, my child support will go way up if I marry a woman who works out of the house, or I could be liable for major alimony if she doesn't. I believe in marriage in the abstract, but many of the laws today in most states make marriage a trap for men, especially given the 50% divorce rate, and the very punitive, anti-male laws enforced in family court, a civil court where Constitutional protections do not apply.
Unless one wants children, why would any single man today want to get married?
I also added in "Can you trust her?" and "Will she make a good mother to our children, a good sister in law to my siblings, a good daughter in law to my parents and a good friend of my friends"....or something along those lines.
And we got married. Now 5 kids and 23 years later, I will marry her all over again.
To all those guys out there staying single, you are really missing out.
Cheers
What man isn't a BIT scared of getting married?
Not wanting to have sex until after marriage is setting yourself up for potential sexual unhappiness. It is really best to find out if you are sexually compatible before the wedding.
Having sex prior to marriage sets you up for potential sexual unhappiness. Think of it in terms of ice cream. If you try all the flavors and end up with something less than the best for the rest of your life, you are always wishing you had your favorite flavor. However, if you have only ever tried vanilla, vanilla is good ice cream and you enjoy it blissfully unaware of what you are missing out on!
As was stated previously, it is a moral decision that some people make to be chaste prior to marriage. If you really think sex before marriage is a wise decision, then I am not going to convince you otherwise... especially via little messages on a blog. You have got to make your own decisions.
All you can do in that sort of relationship is pick up a couple of sexual "habits." When unmarried people chatter about sexual compatibility, what they mean is that the sexual habits that the woman picked up in sleeping with her previous men just happen to resemble the sexual habits that the man picked up in sleeping with his previous women." (J. Budziszewski)
Very revealing if she doesn't.
Also: Does she eat?
Eating disorders are rampant.
It really depends on the situation. If, for example, she was unfortunate enough to have a parent that was abusive (be it mentally, physically or emotional), would you prefer she tough it out and pretend for your sake she gets along with them? Or, would it be better that she avoid the situation and live a healthier and happier lifestyle because of it?
I do think that for every person there are many people in the world they could marry and have a happy and solid marriage. But I also think there are a few people, or maybe a single person out there who is your perfect soulmate.
How about to have a constant companion and best friend, someone to share all the ups and downs of life with? Life is far more fun and fulfilling with someone by your side. There's an expression I heard once, that said something to the effect of, "shared sorrow is half sorrow, shared joy is double joy."
One of the best things about my wife was how I felt having people meet her when we were just dating and then engaged. I knew that she was incredible and would never embarrass me or make me feel awkward in front of those closest to me.
If you are scared to have your friends and family meet her, chances are, she's not the one for you.
She is definately the better half of us.
Many blessings,
Art Gonzalez
Check my Squidoo Lens at: Quantum Knights
My point being that the relationship should be great before the marriage. Getting married , having a wedding, etc will never fix a bad relationship.
Also - don't get wrapped up in the wedding day and def don't get into debt. Its one day and the marriage will last forever!
I have a different problem which this article doesn't adress: I found 'the one'. She knows me better than I know myself and just to be near her makes me happier than logic dictates should ever be possible.
To me, she is perfect in every way, and what frankly terrifies me is that I mean that literally.
I've thought about almost nothing else for over a year now, and I am quite sure about how I feel. Simply put, there could never be anyone else for me. She told me she loves me too, and I believe her, but she's in a long-term relationship which shows no sign of ending. No idea what, if anything, I can do.
Congratulations (and a fair bit of jealosy) to all who managed to end up with their soulmate.
Thanks to Brett and Kate for the consistent superb advice and to the commenters for some very interesting and well articulated debates.
I wish I knew what is keeping her with the other guy, it's a question I've never had the courage to ask her. I've talked to him a bit and he's nice enough, but nothing special. I do have a bit of a theory though:
four years ago, she went out with a guy who would sometimes joyride. Understandably, she didn't like this so she asked him to stop. He did, and they had a fantastic relationship for two years until he left her for a very attractive blonde. Almost immediately, he realised his mistake and apolised to her, saying he wanted her back if she would have him.
She was hurt, but still wanted him back too. However, she didn't want him to think that he could walk all over her so she said no, intending to let him think about his mistake for a couple of weeks and then take him back.
That night, obviously angry at himself, he stole a car and crashed. He was killed instantly.
She couldn't blame him, so she blamed herself, hated herself and was admitted into hospital for severe self harm several times over the next few months.
Sorry for the tragic account, she's a lot better now, and I think it is a testament to how incredibly emotionally strong she is that she can even still feel love after going through so much pain because she allowed herself to be vulnerable.
Perhaps she's with her boyfriend because she isn't all that close to him, maybe that's the only sort of relationship she can let herself be in. At least like this, she can't get hurt the way she was before.
If that's the case, I can certainly sympathise with her. When I first realised I loved her, I fought it with all my strength, I hated myself for it. I don't like feeling vulnerable and powerless, I don't like having no control over how I feel.
With time, and a lot of thinking, I've come to appreciate that only by relinquishing control and accepting that some emotions are much stronger than I am can I experience the ridiculous happiness I feel whenever I even lay eyes on her, something I never could have even imagined before. I'm glad I love her, and maybe someday she'll overcome her fears, I don't know.
I'd also like to say thanks for your reply. It's amazing that you actually care about the problems of a complete stranger, and it's great for me to actually be able to get all this stuff of my chest.
I've told her that I want nothing in the world more than to be with her, so i'll just carry on trying to make her see how good it could be and try to make her believe that I'd do everything I could to stop her getting hurt again.
Other than that, I'll make the most of every single moment we spend together and hope that she'll choose me in the end.
Thanks for taking me seriously, caring, and taking the time to help.
So, what are those questions? I'll get back to you on that - I feel a blogpost coming on!
As to the rest of the article, I think it hits the nail on the head perfectly. Especially the emphasis on how natural it all comes together. So many relationships are rife with problems and tensions. Rarely do they ever seem to fit as natural as it would if the two were truly meant to be together. I really am taking a liking to this website and this article really helped put my single status into perspective. Basically I just tell myself, "be patient. When you meet her, you'll know."
When I asked him about it later, he said that he absolutely couldn't imagine his life without me, and that I brought out the man he always felt he could be.
Above all, he knew he had my absolute loyalty. I had warned him ahead of time that I wasn't into 'starter marriages' or 'test marriages'. That the only way he was getting out of our marriage was when you could pry my cold-dead hand off of it.
Apparently, he found that ROMANTIC. Who knew.
PS. Great topic keep it up.
Perhaps a warning: people change, mostly for the better but occasionally (as in my case) they change for the worse. Do not compromise your morals to keep your marriage together, it only delays the inevitable. Be prepared to fight and fight hard when it gets to court.
Often when in the midst of a romance, we can be oblivious to our girlfriend's faults. Sure, we might notice the little things that bother us, but it is remarkable how we are capable of ignoring egregious faults -- or acknowledge them and find some way of rationalizing them or discounting them. That's why we should bring her home to mom. Mom will tell you after a few interactions with her what kind of woman your girlfriend really is. Some moms are more difficult or more unfair than others, so in that case, listen to what other friends and family have to say. Thinking about my past, it's amazing how many relationships ended with me finally acknowledging problems that I had stubbornly ignored but that others had noticed months or even years earlier.
The second thing is to pay attention to how your girlfriend or fiancée treats other people. If she is frequently degrading of other women, if she talks ill of co-workers, if she is indifferent to the plight of the poor, elderly, or handicapped, if she cheats or steals (even the little things) or tells little white lies all the time, she's giving you evidence that you should extrapolate to your own relationship with her. She might act like she loves and adores you when you're with her, but if she is friendly and supportive of others when they're in front of her, only to backstab them in some way when they turn around, then chances are she'll do the same to you one day.
I think "opening our eyes" a bit more can really help to find the right woman. On that note, I'll add that one should take his time. An engagement should be between 1-2 years long, and you should know her for at least that long before you pop the question. Don't propose after you know her for 3 months, get married at 9 months... chances are, you'll be divorced in a year.
On my blog, I recently commented on an article from Atlantic Monthly entitled "Marry Him! The case for settling for Mr. Good enough." This story is from the reverse angle, of a 40-year-old woman who ponders why she never got married (mainly because she was too picky and held many feminist convictions). In the end, she regrets having turned down so many "Mr. Good Enoughs" on the search for Mr. Right.
It makes for a very interesting read, even for us men.
The original article is here: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
and my commentary is here: http://www.miserere.org/m/archivedposts/323
After we took some distance, I saw that she was a kind of two sided person. In one hand she managed to convince me she was very sweet and lovely, but in reality she had a really bad atittude and was constantly mistreating people that she wasn't interested on making a good impression.
So, some women, not all, can be very deceptive. Be careful, and do your homework! Find out what is she like when she is not around you.
While you can marry someone who is difficult to get along with--most people fail in their actions after marriage. Often both parties turn into jerks. :)
Brett and I came up with this list together, so I think the guidelines listed apply equally well to men and women. The only other thing that comes immediately to mind is:
-Is he ambitious? A lot of women initially find very alluring the free spirited, drifter type. He's unique, he's deep, he's interesting. But eventually women realize that he's a bum who's never going to "find himself." This is not to say women need to find a guy who's hell bent on climbing the corporate ladder. But he should be setting some goals and taking steps towards attaining them.
What were your relationships like before you met Kate? What did you learn from your previous experiences that helped your relationship with Kate? And how long have you and Kate been together now?
Though I think This has cost me great relationships, I will throw my 2 cents in....I resent this. Women and men get lost. Through the last quarter century society has changed, and equality, dual income families have changed the face of "Family" and "Relationships". Now it is not the sole responsibilty of the man to be the breadwinner, and maybe it is time we as a sex explore whom we want to be, to expand our horizons.....But somehow that is unacceptable, and we get labeled BUMS! A man who labeled a woman a bum for not having clear carrer goals would be heavily chastized.
THis is why equality is not advancing. No one can have cake and eat it to. You can't go through 50 years of change and re-evaluate yourself, and change, and not expect the other sex to change and give them space to re-evaluate their stance
Choosing one takes more. Perhaps a woman is the right one because the man simply loves her?
Being one of those women who was with a 'bum', I fully agree that it's not the sole responsibility of the man to be the breadwinner. But it's not the sole responsibility of the woman either which is what tends to happen with bums.
I would be happy to support my man while he tried to find his mission in life if he was in active pursuit of it. I was not, however, happy to support a guy who claimed to be trying to find himself but spent all day (and night) playing video games instead.
I don't think a man these days would accept a woman who expected to be looked after & supported while doing little in return. Neither will a woman. That's equality.
I was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder, after surviving a chronic depressive cycle. Everything was going wrong for me, from bank debts to rage at the office to losing my apartment and supposed friends. My girlfriend who i've been with for a year stood by me through all of it even though at some point i told her that we should break up seeing how my life had taken an Unbelievable turn for the worst. Picking up the pieces and pressing on was and still is, hard to say the least. Finding a companion who will support you through it is even harder. I am grateful that i have someone like that in my life, because they are Scarce
Career wise, I've always had a clear goal. Being younger and single, I had issues with ambition from time to time, staying in that comfort zone, but when I start seeing the world passing by me at the age of 25...I kinda feel left behind. That, and the fact, my woman has a kid jump started me a bit more. When I made the commitment to be with that particular woman...I knew she and the boy came as a package. I have no regret in the decision and found it refreshing to have a bit of stability compared to younger girls I had been with. Much less selfish.
I had my life and place organized, but a relative passed on and I had to take a hiatus to tend to my family. Of course, that, and getting laid off has put a pinch on my confidence and some on our relationship. Sure, unemployment pays the bills, but it has left our dreams together kind of put on hold...almost a bit stagnant.
I had noticed my drive to move forward inspired her ambition. While looking for good, supporting jobs, I study my trade to better my prospects. I understand the traditional breadwinner concept and do believe that is necessary...still tough any more on single income families to make it. My ultimate goal would be to make enough to where she could go to school and find something she wouldn't mind doing as a career, not just a passing job. She doesn't give me bs excuses about "finding herself". I'd ultimately want her to not have to depend on me or any one else.
That, and the fact the family dynamic just doesn't work as well with the potential in laws. Although, we get along just fine...she lives in *their* house. There will be some conflict for control.
Simple enough, move out and get a place so *our* family can strive. The boys grandparents spoil the hell out of him. I come from a relatively cut and dry family of "rights and wrongs" well established...and clear consequences for transgressions. That upbringing has been vital to my character.
Of course, while the woman has similar wants and dreams as I...Most of the weight is on my shoulders. She does carry her weight, but doesn't have the resources much beyond that. I don't mind the task, but it sure is discouraging every time a promising job comes up that would allow me, financially, to hold that weight...and it doesn't come to fruition.
My old lady has had a bit of a rough upbringing, especially being left as a single mother having to move back home. But, despite her circumstance and challenges, she has made great strides from where she WAS and where she is now.
The woman and kid is there...love them both to death. And, despite the rough currents, she sticks it out with me. But both my career and family are at a bit of a stand still. I have to tackle both a lingering sense of hopelessness, the barrage on my confidence as a provider, and a fleeting dream that I just want to have.
We both come from similar upbringings, near poverty and working damn hard for everything we ever had. But damn the circumstances I end up finding myself in. Its one thing to screw your own life up and know it, its another to have it turned up side down by factors completely out of your control. I guess it's a good test of our relationship and builds a bit of character all the same.
Well, that's my two cents. I do get a little long winded at times, so please excuse me :)
@Nen - Clearly you are not discovering a need within yourself that is being fulfilled.
Re-read #4 at the bottom here over and over until it becomes clear.
Cheers!
-=*+[z']+*=-
If it were so easy to meet someone that met all of this criteria from the git go, I doubt the divorce rate would be topping 50%+. Truth is, we work with what we've got, and we all have different needs and upbringings. It's a bit unrealistic to expect that your spouse is going to be perfect in every aspect, and even if he/she is in the beginning, that can change.
I especially disagree with the "DTR" comment - communication is a fundamental part of every relationship. Just because puppy love carries you through the first stages, it doesn't mean that after 20 years, you're not gonna need to talk openly and frankly about a lot of things.
I wish the author the best in his relationship, but his constant affirmations of what a perfect and carefree ride his relationship has been from the start to wedding bells is a bit annoying to those of us who make the effort to quite consciously build the types of relationships we want in our lives. The BAD times are the true test of a relationship. If you've never have any, are you sure you know what you're placing stock in?
joshua
13
i go to tapton school sheffield
Note to Dan, the first poster: get off of the internet and seek.
Also I totally agree with "Lada 10/9/08"
Along with asking my friends (and computer) as to what I should consider before popping the question... I approached my proposal the same way. Now married for 2 years, I would absolutely recommend doing your engagement ring research online. I wasn't sure what material to get my wife's ring in, so started researching different precious metals. From there, I used a couple of different sites for the rest of my research: precious platinum.com and engagement guide.com. I went with platinum for the ring - had to splurge! It's a funny thing, what happens when you realize what your future ring is supposed to stand for... it's SUCH a huge deal. Hands down, platinum is the best material to choose. It's quite rare, looks incredible, has an outstanding lifespan (no wonder so many antique jewelry pieces are made of perfectly conditioned platinum, right?), it's pure, strong and 'restorable.' Best of luck to you all out there who are ready to take the next step. Certainly make sure that he/she IS the one before taking action. It sounds obvious, but reading up on pointers like those mentioned in this article is CRITICAL before deciding to propose.
My response is here : http://cecilathome.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-...
Erik