Art of Manliness - Latest Comments in How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Tamera — Thu, 19 Jun 2014 02:00:07 -0000

So, if they are the one you won't be scared to marry them? Yeah right. It just doesn't work like that. Everyone has second thoughts. That's completely normal. Lemme tell you this, I was married for 6 years to the wrong guy. When we got married I wasn't scared... Ok maybe a little, but mostly I wasn't. However he turned out to be extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive. Now, I am with the man of my dreams, figuratively speaking. The type of man that I've known, ever since I was a little that I wanted to end up with. It's like instinctual, second nature. No one else will ever be as good as him to me. But I'm scared to marry him, and you know why? Because I've already been through divorce and a bad marriage. I'm jaded.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

The Realistt — Tue, 13 May 2014 08:58:25 -0000

Omg, this has become the longest list of comments of any article on the art of manliness.. Realize that as that as men, especially young men in their twenties, that we are like dogs who are hard-wired to run around and stiff all the tail we can. I can't speak for all women, but in my experience they are mostly programmed to settle down and reproduce.
If you are young and considering marriage think if it is fair to your spouse if you are chatting up or even fantasizing about sex with others.. Be young and do what you want, regretting losing someone is easier than regretting marrying someone. Marriage is a stupid idea anyways, it's the leading cause of divorce! Just my opinion..
But, if you ARE going to marry someone I suggest waiting until the flow of 'love chemicals' that the article's author speaks of subsides so you can see your partner in the light of day, not through the blur of infatuated lust. It takes some people a long time to get over this..
Peace out, homies.. Remember, we're just another animal..

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

carpey — Mon, 12 May 2014 03:05:46 -0000

Okay here's my 2 cents.

Lists like these are the dangerous. There are many dominant discourses in society that are causing growth in couples separating and the idea of "the one" is one of these discourses. The concept of "the one" or "soulmates" is a trap. Research shows (http://www.psychologytoday.... that people that believe in soulmates are more likely to divorce.

While I respect that this list is only guidelines and that the author is only sharing what worked for them, it is obvious from the many comments that people can give far too much power to what they read online. I also agree that my comment here is my own view of reality and that you can take from it what you like.

If you have read the list of 5 and thought "oh no! my relationship is doomed!" Or you realise that your not really happy in your relationship, "maybe their not the one?" Fear not. As everyone knows, each of us humans are all unique with our own experiences and genetics and so on. Just because the first few months or year of your relationship is rocky, that doesn't mean that you cannot build a happy life and love the person you are with. It just means that you need to work extra hard together to work through your issues and identify how you best meet each others needs.. So many of us have not had ideal upbringings with parents and previous harmful relationships that affect our abilities to develop loving relationships.. For more information search "attachment theory". If you are lucky enough to have had a secure and loving upbringing with supportive parents that modelled love and communication then this list would be fine for you..

Unfortunately we can't choose our families and sometimes they are very dysfunctional..Just because your mother or father or whoever doesn't get along with your partner that doesn't mean you wont live a happy loving life with your partner.

Your new partner might also not be your best friend. Johnny or Jo who you have known since you were young is still your best friend, but remember that you have had a lifetime to get to know them. Amazing Friendships don't always just happen straight away.

You may be crazy about your new partner but they are an alcoholic or addicted to something else. Im pretty sure you would want to change that about them. That is okay. It just takes a lot of tolerance and patience to get through it. But it's worth it in the long run. However never compromise your own safety.

If you ask many people who have been happily married for over 10 years whether they have had doubts earlier in their relationship you will find that it's pretty common. Just because you cant see yourself with someone in the future, that does not mean that it cannot work.

Im not sitting here and saying every relationship can work but I believe that thousands of relationships break up because of discourses in society that lead partners to believe that there's something wrong with their relationship when there's not.

and so on and so on.....I believe that the two ingredients needed for a relationship to work is that you both are prepared to commit , and that you each are prepared to be open to meeting your partners need without comprising your own wellbeing.

Love to all

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

A friend — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 18:07:00 -0000

@Daniel #101

I honestly think that if you found the right person for you, then you both will figure things out. Being married through the state is not a requirement. Common law marriages still exist and that's another option if you don't believe in having the government involved. The biggest issue I can think of, is what to do if you have children or pets.

As a female growing up, yes, I wanted an amazing wedding. I still do, but now that simply means something more along the lines of an event that is fun and beautiful, which you can celebrate your union with all of your friends and family. I think that declaration or defining moment of commitment is what pro-marriage people truly want. Many people are insecure and afraid to go through life alone. If that's something you want to give her, then do it and don't be worried about it! You can have a non-denominational priest-sort perform the ceremony and just have a good time with all of your loved ones. Do what makes you both happy and I don't see why you shouldn't be fine.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Mike — Mon, 24 Feb 2014 11:30:24 -0000

Thanks to everyone who has posted here: it’s so comforting to know that others are going through similar periods of anguish.

I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend of roughly 10 months. She’s perfect in every way, but for whatever reason (chemistry, circumstance, etc) we just seemed to become stuck in a cycle of arguments, resolutions and more arguments over time. The main source of tension is that she’s a city girl, and whilst we both currently live in the city, I long to return to the country. It seems like such a small thing, and we’ve tried to figure out compromises where both of us can be happy, but nothing seems satisfactory.

It’s about 2 weeks after the breakup, and we’re in that awful period where we’re trying to decide whether it’s worth getting back together, or making a clean break. I love her dearly, and she loves me, but my concern is that we just bring out the worst in each other. I am prone to being a little withdrawn, which often made her prod me to get some sort of emotional response. This, in turn, made me feel like I was being railroaded into a future that wasn’t allowed to develop naturally.

It all sounds so petty when you put it on paper, but I just don’t know what to do. Should you stay with someone for the sake of love, even though you may end up being bad for each other? All I want is for her to be happy, and she’s pressuring me to make a decision straight away about getting back together. It’s a mess: I feel guilty at the thought of leaving her for good, but even guiltier at the thought of going back and potentially causing more hurt if we break up 6 months down the road. Part of me thinks the noble thing is to step aside and let her get on with her life, so she can meet someone more suited, but that’s not what she wants: she wants us to give it a 2nd go. Am I wrong to feel conflicted? Am I a coward or am I simply being realistic about a relationship that was volatile from the start? I know that at some point in life I will have to take a leap of faith with a girl, but shouldn’t it be smooth sailing, at least at the beginning? I can’t help but think of the opening scene of Shaun of the Dead, with the guy behind the bar yelling ‘time, gentleman!’ as Shaun finishes his lager.

Is it simply time to grow up and take the plunge? Does fate call time on everybody's single life eventually?

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

barry — Sun, 16 Feb 2014 02:16:07 -0000

My wife and I have been married almost 36 years. I had no qualms about marrying my wife. While we disagreed about some things when we dated, and still do, there has never been a day when she wasn't my best friend. I trust her completely. I did not have wedding day jitters, but I did want it to be over so we could get on with being married. When I met her in college, I was not looking for a girlfriend and she was dating a guy back home. We just clicked.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Ramos — Mon, 10 Feb 2014 21:36:21 -0000

Point 4 is so true. My brother married his wife because she fit point 4 and probably 5 as well.

However, never let Point 2 decide for you. Maybe she is wonderful and so are you but your family is shit. That happens and maybe you didn't see it. My cousin married a Brazilian girl 6 yrs ago and his family(partially mine) suddenly showed their true colors and "gave him almost no shot at success".

They weren't outright racists, but they just kinda giggled through the low-key ceremony and almost made bets on how long it would last, simply because she was from another continent and brown.

My cousin cut contact softly by not replying to about half his family but still emails with me and though they have no kids of their own, maybe due to infertility, their marriage is great and they often babysit her sisters kids.

In short, Point 2 is VERY optional.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

J.B — Wed, 05 Feb 2014 09:10:33 -0000

Thank you for anyone who actually made time to read all this, I am really in need of some mentorship. Please be kind.

My ex was my first and only girlfriend and we lasted for 6 1/2 years.
Many things happened, she was the one who made the first move, I was not that into her at the time but we went on until eventually I developed feelings for her. Nearing our 3rd year together, she broke up with me once for around a year (I was immature) and we got back together afterwards (I think I've matured mentally). Everything went well after that, we had our problems along the road but we came out truely understanding each other's thoughts and we always had very good chemistry. She was my best friend in life and we were even talking about marriages and kids.

1 1/2 years ago, I had to move away to a place I grew up in due to work, and this place is 8 hours away. I asked if she would like to move together with me but she had said no without any hesitation. She has made up her mind staying in the current place and she said would never want to live in the place I grew up in (not as an insult, she knew the place). I moved away and we started drifting apart. I have made sure I called her, and I visit her when I do have the time (but this does not happen often due to the nature of my work).

After the break up (the past 1 1/2 years), I've always thought of her. But I started realizing there were more issues to this relationship then just distance. We do not have intimate physical contacts, holding hands and hugs, rarely kissing or going further (we did, just very rare); when we were away, she doesn't call that often, nor attempts to visit; she has a friend-brother who she pays good amount of attention to which sometimes annoys the hell out of me; she's been quite sarcastic with me after the break up and that would also annoy me when I made any effort to call her (which I stopped). Well, I'm sure I have my annoying parts (messy at times, stubborn) as well during the relationship but my relationship with her were not all how I would like my relationship to be, and I have the image that it will never worked up to how I would like it to be (which I know is too idealic and self centered).

But here's the thing, despite all these, I know for a fact that she still has feelings for me, and I still think about her all the time. However, I am not sure if my feelings are out of the guilt that I left her, or because I really want to be with her.

I've met a few girls that I have good feelings for but somehow when I think of advancing any furthe I would think that I would hurt my ex by doing so, and in the end I would distant myself from the said girls. Sometimes I would just think that I'm the root cause of all these and bath myself in self loathing (I recover every often but not completely).

I'm sorry for anyone who has to read this, but my relationship has been a complete mess as of now. I don't know how to even begin organizing all this and there's no one I can turn to.

What should I do? Should I call her up and discuss with her? Should I give the relationship another try? Or should I just say screw it, man up and totally disregard all these into my past (which quite frankly, I wouldn't be able to do it)? Or should I be slapped, dragged out and shot for thinking too much into this?

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

DevilsDaddy — Sun, 26 Jan 2014 15:06:11 -0000

To Chief; the new girl on the scene is simply that, a newness; I am gonna guess that you also felt something very similar when you met the girl that you met 4 years ago. We at some point become a bit comfortable after being with someone for a while because we know we aren't gonna do something stupid or unapproved of by that person. Then when we have settled into a relationship just like it is a pair of gym socks; lol, we naturaly notice something about someone new; it happens they are eyeballs and we have to see where we are going when moving about. Right here is where problems arise. We often forget that we have already experienced feelings similar to the ones we are feeling now; catch is, we have aged and in your case; aged four years. In four years of aging we are bound to change in someway; leading us to think we want the new thing, but if that were true why are we still perfectly content with the person we have been with four years now. When you say "I Do" we are to say it for life, which means when you see another woman that is also good looking and has a smile that could melt an iceberg, we don't chase after like a dog chases a car. You are going to notice other beautiful people but you are already happy with what you've got, don't forget that.
What I am trying to say is; just because we are able to see why others find a person attractive, it doesn't mean that we should be with that person. Although; it does mean that if we hadn't found what we were looking for in the person we are with, yes; we could have most likely had an equally successful relationship with that person too. Not that what works for me will work for you but; I managed to reach a point where I can see a very very very attractive woman that is even smiling at me and not paying attention to the guy talking to her at the moment, obviously interested in me but; I already have that same thing which is, a smoking woman that is rivaled by none; not interested in any man but myself, and she loves me in a way that leaves me no choice but to know she loves my lame ass. Not to mention the new one may get to know you and decide she doesn't really want you for this or that reason.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

DevilsDaddy — Sun, 26 Jan 2014 13:57:32 -0000

Chris; in love; she shouldn't care if you can provide for her, because, come whatever may the 2 of you should be able to work through and overcome anything as 1. Also; as far as whether or not she is the one, only you can know that. What I am saying is that most of the comments on the subject are actually that individuals idea or version of what we will refer to as their "the one" but what they want or desire in a woman and what you want and desire aren't always the same thing, you feel me? So my advice to you is to know what your "the one" consist of, then you will know the answer the that question

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Carl — Sat, 25 Jan 2014 15:51:12 -0000

Nice list, I want to asked about number 3. How major is major change? I wanted to know because of my older sister. She's is an awesome person, really cool, and yes, to me and my younger brothers we call her dude sometimes because she's very laidback and doesn't care much about her looks because she's naturally pretty, downside is she's not really a girly type though we all agreed that if she dresses up she would pass for a model. Recently she started dating this guy, he seemed nice, but I think he might've said something that offended my her sensibilities( that's what she said), well she told me that the guy wanted her to dressed sexy and even demanded that she waxed her legs... well, I could agree with the dressing "sexy" though we guys have a varying definition of the word... but to tell her to shave her legs, well its not like she has hairy legs. What i'm trying to get at is could she be over reacting? how Major is a Major change? should we just tell here its a red flag?

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Matthew — Sun, 12 Jan 2014 23:37:35 -0000

@Daniel

There's still power of attorney, as well as a show of commitment in your life that translates often to easier dealings with banks in regard to credit and loans, etc. It's the practicality of a civil union, with a bit of romance to it.
So I suppose the argument then is why do you need an outdated mode of commitment for romance?

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Ann Onamous — Sat, 04 Jan 2014 23:42:57 -0000

I am a single female in my early 30s reading this article who comes from parents who have been happily married for 46 years. Not that I don't have lofty goals in life or high expectations, but I think that some of this list is a bit unrealistic.

1) "The relationship goes smoothly from the beginning." The reality is that every relationship has some rocky points, but the couple is still a "happy couple" because they have healthy conflict resolution skills. I know this from volunteering with an organization that studies happily married couples.

2) "She gets along well with your family and friends." - Yes, this is true, except when you don't get along with your own family. There are lots of people who, sadly, don't like their own family (not me - I adore my family), so this rule doesn't apply to them. Also, don't forget about your single friends who loathe the idea of losing your friendship once you get married. I don't think you'd want to listen to them or any single female friends who have a secret crush on you.

3) "There is nothing major you want to change about her." - This heading is a joke. Virtually everyone "changes" and grows - the hope is that the couple grows together. I would change the heading to "there are no major changes that really bother you about her that you would like to change." these two statements are different. Flawless is perfection which doesn't exist. I agree with the last sentence that, "If there’s something about your girlfriend that you know deep down you can’t live with, than it’s time to move on. You’re wasting both of your times."

4) "She’s your best friend." - I would also change this to say, "she is like a best friend." Again, subtle but different. The way that this is written creates a very high standard to judge your girlfriend by. She could be a keeper if you merely want to spend most of your time with her, she makes a lot of activities more enjoyable for you, you could tell her just about anything.

5) "The thought of marrying her doesn’t scare you in the least." - "doesn't scare you IN THE LEAST" - come on. SOOOO many happy marriages but so many couples were scared at some point, it's fairly common to have a case of wedding jitters. To say you won't be scared at all when you've found the one is unrealistic for anyone who gets nervous just walking up to a hot chick to talk to her. Yes, excited anticipation is different than nervousness and jitters, but if you work out the jitters and can move to excited anticipation by the time you get close to saying, "I do," then you are probably marrying the one and only.

Overall this article was disappointment to me though I have liked a lot of other articles on this blog. I think a better resource for a man to determine if he has found the one is, Heavenly Ever After, the Prepare Enrich program, Project Everlasting or Meeting Your Match.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

justaguy — Thu, 05 Dec 2013 04:09:07 -0000

wow, 3, 4 and 5 are all things that are making me reconsider my relationship of 2 years...and it took this article to make me see why I wasnt "feeling it"

3. I feel like my current gf doesnt handle stress well enough for me. I really wish she wouldnt get so emotional over everything, and I dont feel like I can joke with her because I never know if Im going to insult her and make her mad.

4. I dont really get this one as well, to me a best friend shares a lot of your interests besides just clicking with personality. I feel like my main interests..MMA, rpg and rts video games, power metal, science shows...are not very female prone, so Im not expecting this one to apply so much for me. I just have to settle with personality clicking Id guess.

5. The problems stated in 3 make me very unsure if I could marry her due to all the stresses that happen in a relationship.

But, she is a very nice and caring person who does at least watch MMA with me, and I really dont want to hurt her. I feel like I just dont know if its for actual feelings I have for her or avoiding the pain it would cause her that Im staying.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

lola — Mon, 18 Nov 2013 18:37:38 -0000

As a woman,

I lied to myself many times forcing men who weren't good for me into a box, because I "loved them" and considered them "the one". I waited for some movie magic moment to allow me to see and feel that YES, this IS the right man for me!

The truth is, I don't think that's realistic. I finally met a man, though, and I think this is going to be something very special. It's not because of some moment where I just "knew", but more over, a comprehensive understanding that I really, really want this man with me. Also, our deep friendship is what I cherish, and that's what I know will stand the test of time above sex, butterflies, and the feelings of euphoria that can whirlwind us into relationships we know aren't good for us.

It's okay to not be ready, it's okay to not want the person you're currently dating, but it serves no purpose to maintain relationships with no future. You only end up in pain when you attempt to tie everything up neatly in a box and focus your life around that box.Trying to force pieces of a puzzle into place, when you're clearly not using puzzle pieces from the same picture will create a warped view of what you really want.

That's what I learned, personally. I'm happier and better off realizing that "the right one" and "soul mates" don't exist, at least in my book. I believe that you could be very happy with different people, and maybe even in different ways.

What makes reality special is that, really, this is the only way it could have happened, because it did. After all the love drug chemicals fade, and sex becomes a little routine, you need to be open and honest with the person who is hopefully your best friend-- in an attempt to rekindle romance. That's natural, that's healthy.

What matters in the end is your friendship and commitment to each other.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Will Martin — Wed, 13 Nov 2013 08:32:53 -0000

Adrian, I read your long post and you really seem like a good person in a difficult situation. I think you have to let the cards fall where they may. Make your feelings clear and then step back. Concentrate on working on yourself and also find some other outlets and interests. Good luck buddy.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Vincenzo — Thu, 29 Aug 2013 20:11:49 -0000

I loved the 14 year old's comments...OH little buddy...and the chocolate and vanilla guy...too. I am single never married, an entrepreneurial type and to be honest, focused on stability and cash flow in an economy that sucks. Growing up with little to no cash on hand was a t times embarrassing and stupid to me. Now I understand so much of what my father went through. I think that everyone should find someone that is willing to grow with you, go with you and allow a man to be a man in that if your intentions are noble and you can listen with your eyes and hear with your ears...while you are on a mutually shared journey...then she is the one. There is a song that says ya never really know what you got till its gone...but when people go your mind plays tricks on you and you remember the good things and seldom the bad. I remember football camp, puking and sore and being exhausted and now it's a positive memory I cherish...but I still get weak when I see the corn growing taller, because Aug 13th comes quick in a young mans life. I like the season a reason or a life time analogy...I also believe that as a man gets older he needs a woman more than a woman needs a man. So be careful in getting too comfortable as KING in a relationship. That being said if she starts out being a Queen, she's only gonna want more than you can give later. Humility, Love, Hope and Faith should be shared...these I believe are like four legs of a table...fights are good...pending if they are for determining ones passion...if it's fought to prove someone wrong or right...the relationship is over before it starts. There are two ways you can change...for the better or for the worse...family members are weak barometers of good or bad change...but if you are attracting others towards you...its probably obvious to everyone what you have is good. That being said, a woman is attracted to a man because you are a man...B one...and sometimes that means you need to choose direction. It is quite simple really yet I myself have never mastered the art. I find most men I know in marriages baseball less wonders if you catch my drift. With an attitude it's cheaper to keep them...YIKES...I'm not sure no fighting is good, seems to me to be a lack of passion there, I think the 14 year old has the best love as it is true and blind...I wish it was obvious to me what to do...but it's not...time is a wasting...good luck...we are truly on our own...God Please help us all...

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Christian — Sat, 17 Aug 2013 07:55:37 -0000

Sucks how, this exact person who I was thinking about when i read this. I threw out of my life with depression. Though I am young. Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But that is the perspective I had on it. Love these readings.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Mrs. Robinson — Mon, 15 Jul 2013 22:16:33 -0000

Daniel is not entirely wrong. Marriage IS muchly about money -- and there are times when this is a very good thing.

If you just plan to live together in a rented house and pursue your independent careers for all time and eternity, there's no real reason to get married. But if you plan to own any kind of substantial property together, start a business together, or (especially) commit parenthood together, then marriage confers a whole raft of legal, economic, and social supports that can are tailor-made to enable your shared enterprise to flourish. You'll make it easier on yourselves and everybody else if you go do the deed.

-----
As for Debbiedoo and those other women who are tolerating bad behavior or wondering if they're overstaying their welcome: Seriously, ladies, pick up a copy of "The Rules" and read it through, twice. If you aren't being treated the way you deserve to be by a man, the right response is *always* to take two big steps back from the relationship. A man who is taking you for granted may need to find out what it's like to miss you for a while. One who is shopping for other women online, or on the street, should be left alone to pursue that interest unfettered -- you DO have better things to do with your life than put up with that crap, don't you? Just like our grandmas always said: A man won't respect you if you don't respect yourself first.

Backing off for a couple of weeks gives him space to realize that either a) he's made a horrible mistake in dissing you -- or else b) that he's really enjoying his peace and freedom without you. Either way, you've clarified the situation in a way that breaks up the uncertainty and allows you both to move forward more constructively.

A lot of us avoid doing this because we're terrified that the answer will be B. That's not a good reason to stick around: it's unfair and unworthy of both you and him to stick around where you're not passionately, madly, deeply wanted. You deserve better.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Adrian — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 13:28:29 -0000

Hello everyone,

You are probably going to pick up a vibe here that I am new to reading this stuff. I don't really understand emotions that are felt by people older then me all too well as I am only 21, but in saying that I never thought I would be here. I am not the most attractive guy, I'm fit and athletic, but not big (which many girls want apparently). I am in my second relationship which is just over 2 years (My first going for 1 and a bit).

In my earlier relationship I was just a young kid out of VCE who had smashed his results and was happy to hit up the town. I did things which I am proud of and things I would rather not remember. Here is where I met my first girlfriend. Turns out now that I think about it she was just a sleeping partner. Someone for intimacy and lust. It was one of those "eye opening" moments where I understood emotions.

In my first year at uni I met this girl who really took my breath away. I was lying to my then girlfriend so I could hang out with this girl. She was amazing we could talk about so much, I already felt like she was my best friend. We didn't do anything because she was playing around with guys and being single and I was in a relationship. Inside I was always wanting to hang with her. We got closer and then it happened, I broke up with my girlfriend.

Initially I was happy to be single. I was keen to party and have a good time and I didn't really take anything into consideration about this girl except we were friends. We then went out together and hooked up, came back to my place and had sex. We were very drunk and part of me regretted the act. I was told that no relationship came from a drunk first kiss, but I held strong and slowly my feelings grew. I spoke to her friends about it and lay low before gathering the courage to talk to her about it. We spoke at length about how she was not prepared for a relationship and I was still getting over my last girl.

I couldn't see anyone, but her though. I spoke to my family and friends about what I was feeling and my folks came up with some very funny stuff. My dad said "She isn't the most attractive girl there are far more attractive girls out there" my mum agreed, this is where it hit home for me though. I didn't see her as raw beauty, I still don't. yes she is beautiful, but it was her passion for life and her attitude that had me.

I kept by her for a few weeks and we chilled and chatted. One day I found myself in the city with her sharing the most romantic kiss. It was here that I realised she was something special. It moved pretty fast. We were getting intimate and doing all those young people kinda things. Before I knew it we were sleeping over at each others places. It was a few months into our relationship where she had a family issue and stayed at my place for several days. It was here that she said she loved me for the first time. I didn't want to show to her how much that meant to me. I hadn't ever had words affect me like "I love you" did that night.

Time went on in our relationship and we hit bumps in the road that seem to be the case with most people. We moved through them though and each time I felt that it was my fault for pushing boundaries. I felt that I didn't learn though and it got worse and worse. Until one day we came close to ending the relationship. At that moment I came to realise that she should never be taken for granted. She is a powerful and independent woman with lots going for her. I made a few adjustments which every person should make. Be it not talking in a certain way to people or not doing certain activities with others which may cause tension. The biggest thing I have changed for her after too many bad incidents is drinking. I have made a pact with myself to stop drinking (Not only for her but also for my own fitness).

Anyway! (Sorry if I am boring some people)

We overcame these bumps and it was all fantastic. I felt stronger and although I felt the relationship was weak I was prepared and I think she was too. We moved forward and it got better. We moved into our fourth year of uni, Me working more and her taking heavier subject meant we couldn't see each other as much. It affected both of us. I would make surprise visits to her house at random hours as well.

A few months ago, around our second year anniversary we hit another argument which finally made her crack and me break down. I feel that in both of us everything had boiled up and exploded (I am one to explode and then move on very fast, she isn't). I overcame the anger and came to realise what I had done. I gave her space like she wanted and we avoided each other for a week. She told me she loved me and didn't want to lose me and I told her that I didn't want to lose her either, everyday I was understanding more about "true love" and just not "attraction and love". I was feeling the conflict within me dying and pure feelings coming through.

After that week we started hanging out again and it was amazing. I found out, however, that she was now talking solidly with a gay and a straight guy who I thought were my friends as well as hers, were taking her side of a trouble she was feeling inside. I didn't want to know more because it was her life and she can do what she wants. I caught glimpses of messages though that were about her dancing instructor and her attraction to "his muscles" and his "body" which fueled my want to be bigger and my competitiveness. I am not a controlling person (I don't think) and I don't mind who she talks to because I trust her 100%, but when I read about the dancer and that the gay just got out of a relationship and is emphasisiing how fun single life is I get irritated.

The stuff that is being written here is amazing, it is helping me understand so much better and also helping me to see who I am as a person. I read all the categories over and over and she ticks all the categories beautifully. I read all the comments and I feel that I am like some of you who feel that they are in that relationship, They say that there are a lot of fish in the see, I say that I don't want an ordinary fish. She isn't an ordinary fish. I ask myself, how the heck did I end up here? One minute I was on Facebook the next I am writing this swoon. It's because I don't want to lose what I have. Nothing and no one is perfect, so we can only improve.

Part of me wants her to read this and understand how I feel and part of me doesn't. I actually don't know what to do. She doesn't so much fit those categories above as she is those categories and more. She is my best friend who I love. I could see us spending so much more time together and we get along wonderfully with each others friends and family. I just feel that she is being influenced in some negative manner.

Thanks to those who took the time to read this.
Means a lot to me.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Steve — Mon, 03 Jun 2013 00:15:25 -0000

A lot of great comments on here. I'd like to specifically address the people that say they are against marriage because current divorce laws are against men, or that they don't see the need for government intrusion into their committed relationship, and so they'd rather just live together. It's necessary to point out that in Canada, and I think most (if not all) states, you are considered to be living common law after a year of living together. This is the same as being married in the governments eyes, and means the divorce laws still apply to you the same as they would if you went to the altar and said "I do".

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Sofia — Wed, 22 May 2013 22:35:42 -0000

I met my "the one" seven and a half weeks ago. We were bf/gf within a month. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met. He is funny, so good looking, the best kisser ever! We get along great and we can talk about anything, but we don't have to right now, because we both know we're going to be together for a long time <3 :) x

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Debbiedoo — Sat, 11 May 2013 11:56:00 -0000

I appreciate every post I've read so far. My problem is that I have fallen for my "friend with beneifts". 7 years now and things have progressed in both our lives. We're both stable but I found myself spending an awful lot of time in his new home. And the puppy and I have bonded these last 5 months. Problem is when we were being intimate I made a mistake and out of my mouth came "I love you," I didn't mean to say it, HOMESTLY! It just came out! We both handled the moment but I felt we were both shocked. I asked him not to freak out about it and that my feelings for him were always there so don't pretend he didn't know. The next day we didn't talk about it, but he won't look at me. He looks away...what's up with that? Please answer...fast!

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

This To Shall Pass. — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 04:39:25 -0000

WOW, this article and many of the responses (particularly the ones written by CharlesBennett and Hope) were so encouraging. I'm going through a break-up of 2.75 years and was even engaged to this person. In general, she is/was a very very special person to me. Although 85% of the relationship was met with disagreements, and the bumping of heads, we still managed to survive.

With me being a very busy person, she brought a lot of support to my life. She was very insecure with me having female friends, and I felt "pushed" to do things like introduce my family and fiends instead of letting it happen "naturally". Furthermore, I felt I was under constant emotional stress/anxiety trying to "prove" myself not to be that guy that would hurt her. Very early on, she deemed us to be in a serious relationship and ever since that point, I felt I was living life according to security checklist. As soon as I completed one thing off the list, I felt there was another waiting to be taken care of to reinforce/assure her (i.e. introduce family, get engaged, get married, having baby). It got to the point where I felt I had like control and was just living to try to make her happy - which often times felt futile. Having been divorced myself, I felt there were things I wanted to focus on to ensure a divorce would never happen again (i..e working together as a team, going to counselling, talking things through maturely, working on long-term life plan sooner rather than later, etc). Now, I wasn't trying to force these things, but after feeling forced myself, I felt I better know what/who I was getting long-term.

Throughout the relationship, we experienced many episodes of breaking up and getting back together; however, each time it happened I thought it was making us stronger and for that reason didn't truly give up. There were many times when i just wanted space/time to regroup, but this made her more anxious. Needless to say, I started to feel lost, and confused. How can something I've come to love be so difficult? Mind you, I never really knew what true/unconditional love was prior to this particular relationship. Prior relationships were based on vain thing (i.e. looks, entertainment, the desire to have her, etc.).

But coming into this relationship I told myself I wanted to know what true love was...

To make a long strong short, I think my experience with this person (whom i will ALWAYS love despite our many issues and potential for never working out - although I can't I've lost hope), taught me the very thing I wanted to learn the most...How to Love. Love is more than just that "feeling" you get when things are "working" as planned or desired. Contrary to that "true love" is often felt the most when you get hurt... because in that hurt you realize how much you care for the person and desire for it to work out. Truly, if the person meant nothing to you, then it would be very easy to move on. True love, according to the Word of God, is "patient, and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres ( 1 Corth 13: 4-8).

It's good to not that loving someone isn't always easy. And just because you "love" them doesn't mean you're "in love" with them or that they are "the one".

Often times, relationships are used to teach us things. It is often a process of refining us to become the men and women we need to be for some higher purpose, and/or to prepare us for that one true relationship that will last as long God provides life.

So with that, I've learned that it s very important to be able to look past those things that wont withstand the test of time (i.e. looks) and truly focus on what would make this person a great match for you. Me personally, I look for the ability of my partner to communicate, loyalty, honestly, respect, support, a spiritual foundation, TEAMWORK, humor, etc.

Many of these things I found in the person mentioned above, but still it doesn't mean she was the one. To this day, I try to maintain hope that one day she "becomes" the one, but I know it's all in God's hand. I know everything we went through was for a reason.

I just long for the day when I know...as someone mentioned...you'll just know. :)

Until then, my plan is to finally focus on me (outside of a relationship). Having learned a lot about myself (what i was doing wrong, and how I contributed to the mess) I'm hoping to prepare myself for that moment (with whomever - even if it's with the person aforementioned - one day in the future).

Final words: ANY relationship is though...there is no such thing as a perfect one. Often times we men think that a "hot" girl means happiness, but it's been proven many times (just look at Hollywood) that that's not the case. Also, dating a "hot" girl can bring insecurities and anxieties you never though you could have.

Remember love is blind, and in many cases deaf. True love withstands the test of time, BUT both must be in love and wiling to make it work!

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Sojeey — Fri, 19 Apr 2013 21:51:25 -0000

I am 25 year old and in love with a 21 year old girl. We love each other deeply but the problem is that we are too far from each other location wise. I am a graduate while she's still in school. There are still a lot of things I would like us to share together so as to know each other the more but the distance wouldn't give us a chance (there are somethings you can't discuss effectively through phone call you know). So I am feeling a sense of insecurity about our relationship, somethings thinking about going for someone else that I can see all the time, but the love I have for her has not allowed me to go through the thought. Please advise me, how can I make this relationship work because I feel she's the one for me.