Well, I'd just come up with a very similar headline and was about to write an article about how to get a manly handshake!
Kudos, Brett. Nice article.
Christian
Justin
· 1 year ago
I've always found it difficult to figure out the man/woman handshake thing. Sometimes, women give firm handshakes back and, at other times, you get the limp-wristed shake.
What gives?
Kate
· 1 year ago
Justin- I think woman are confused about hand shaking. Handshakes are definitely more of a manly guy thing so woman don't know what to do. Is it too masculine to shake really firmly? But then the only alternative is the dead fish. This confusion also extends to female to female handshakes I would also note. What are woman to do when they meet another woman who does not warrant a hug? A woman to woman handshake outside of the workplace feels very awkward. Which is why we often do the side hug. But sometimes even the side hug is too intimate. So it's a real pickle.
Kyle
· 1 year ago
Great, tips. Firm and look them in the eye is what I look for when shaking hands with someone for the first time. Also some cultures don't wash their hands after going to the bathroom. Do your research and avoid the e. coli shake.
Brett McKay
· 1 year ago
@ Christian- Thanks for the kind words. It would be nice to see your take on handshaking over at your blog.
@ Justin- I agree. It can be confusing handshaking with women. I'm an equal opportunity handshaker and will shake hands the same way with women as I do men.
@ Kate- I haven't thought about women greeting each other. I could see how that would be confusing. Hmmm.... I don't have any answers for you on this one.
@ Kyle- Good call on avoiding the e. coli handshake. It's also good to be aware if people from other cultures shake hands. You don't want to ruin a business deal with some foreign company because you shook some guys hand.
Kyle
· 1 year ago
Brett, excellent point on understanding other cultures. Many companies have messed this one up in terms of putting products into countries without doing their research. The tale of the Chevy Nova into Mexico comes to mind. Turns out Nova translates in Spanish to "no go". By the way, I was joking on the e.coli shake. :-)
Elizabeth
· 1 year ago
Brett --
Good for you being a equal-opportunity hand-shaker. I believe that dead-fish handshakes are as equally repellant and "telling" from a woman as they are a man. I believe that your "how to do it" guidelines apply as equally to women as they do men.
I will tell you that a man who will look me in the eyes, offer his hand, and engage in a friendly, firm but not crushing handshake with me wins major points in my book. I'm completely in support of chivalry and all, but not at the cost of the women-as-equals progress we've made. A good handshake from a man means he sees me as an equal human being; it's a true sign of respect.
As the mother of a teenaged son whom I'm grooming to become a "manly" man, I'm confused about the "man hug" thing. Can you shed any light on this subject? I'm 43. I can easily remember the days when men simply did not hug other men. I like this advancement (man hugs) but as I said, I don't understand the rules. Your "manly" take on it would be appreciated.
mark
· 1 year ago
I have always used this rule with women I meet in the workplace. If a woman offers her hand, then I grasp it firmly, but not fully.
By that I mean my index finger crosses at her knuckle line, my thumb under her fingers. (I have very large hands, like a dairy farmer). This conveys that I view her as an equal, not with the intent to dominate. It is very simple that women have smaller hands.
With men, I do fully 'engage' thumb to thumb' and again, this is more of a peer to peer issue.
I am also in the midwest, so our handshaking is more conservative, what we call the 'double pumper', or about two shakes.
As to the hugging thing, my son-in-law is Belgian, and he has introduced our family to hugging. If it is someone well known, man hugging is good. There is definitely an age cutoff for where this does not feel 'natural'. Unless both are continental.
Brett McKay
· 1 year ago
@ mark- great tips on shaking hands with women. I lived in Mexico for a while I noticed that hugging was more prevalent among men than in the states. It was strange at first, but you got used to it.
Living Off Dividends
· 1 year ago
when I was in college, I'd have dated any girl with a strong handshake. something sexy about a chick with a confidence handshake!!!
I'm a big proponent of a "web to web" shake, meaning touch the web of skin in between your thumb and index to the other person's web. If you make a conscious effort to do it you'll never give somebody the finger shake (unless of course they're a little too trigger happy).
Excellent website by the way!
Ainsworth
· 1 year ago
Great post. I've noticed that a handshake can be a great indicator of how the conversation will go.
Luke
· 1 year ago
I never offer my hand to a lady, but will shake hers if offered. I do not shake with the same strength as I do a man's hand, but the grip is still full. That is not to say that a dead fish is appropriate. In fact, I'm guessing that a lady is expecting a man to be strong and a weak handshake would be an instant turn off. As far as timing being off, I've found that if I don't look directly at the shake, our hands will meet with no problem.
The dreaded finger shake! I loathe when someone tries to get away with the finger shake. Definitely leaves a bad impression when someone tries to do that.
I agree that women probably find a weak handshake from a man a turn off. The dead fish should be avoided at all costs. Thanks for your tips!
Jon Spooner
· 1 year ago
1. Great site!
2. Slight typo in bullet 4 of How to "When you off your hand, look the person in the eye and smile." I think you meant "offer your hand"
3. What is the best way to rectify the dreaded finger shake? Is it worthwhile to stop the social flow of things and re-initiate another "web to web" shake? Is it worthwhile to mention to the person "oh sorry about that.."? Or should you just play it off like it was the other persons fault?
Old School European Guy
· 1 year ago
One more thing: the handshake is always offered by the person standing higher on the "courtesy ladder", ie the older, the higher-ranking, the female. Offering handshakes the other way round is considered impolite.
Excellent point Old School European Guy. I think the courtesy ladder has been completely forgotten about, especially in America. For example, most people forget the courtesy ladder when making introductions.
Sam
· 1 year ago
So I've been trying this out and it seems to be working pretty well. --The double handshake-- Handshake starts with one hand extended, half a second later have your free hand sandwich your "victim's" hand between both your hands.
It conveys power as well as excitement about interacting with a subject.
Jack
· 1 year ago
On the man-hug issue, I follow a pretty simple philosophy. I only hug men with whom I've bonded on some level beyond simple courteous friendship. There are few of those: my father-in-law, my best friend, a good friend from my church, and one of my martial arts buddies. So it's by no means common; I reserve it for people who know me better than anyone else.
When 'testing the waters,' I've noticed that a handshake-to-hug approach is quite good. You start with a firm handshake, and if it seems appropriate, move in to hug with the free arm, keeping a good grasp on the hand the whole way. I think it conveys respect, but shows that you're beginning bond with him on a more personal level, which is an essential but lost art.
Pencil Drawings
· 1 year ago
Interesting article. I was left hanging just the other day and I was embarassed about it, but now I understand why I was left hanging.
Paul
· 1 year ago
One thing I didn't see mentioned. A gentleman ALWAYS stands when shaking hands. But I suppose that has gone the way off taking ones hat off indoors or walking to the outside of a lady when walking down the street. Paul
Krysty
· 1 year ago
As a business woman, I'll give the men my opinion on shaking hands with a woman...
First, I'll let you know I give a strong handshake. My hands are certainly smaller than most men's, but a firm and full grip is what everyone gets. As a business woman, you'll get my respect in the business world a lot faster if you do the same. I don't know about other women, but I can tell if you are not using your full strength for a handshake. And I know it may not be true, but it gives me the impression that you wouldn't think I could handle it...not a good way to start a business relationship with me. It's just annoying.
Whatever you do, do not give the limp hand shake. It gives women at the very least the above impression, and with me it'll give the impression of a lack of strength altogether. It gives you the appearance of being less than a man.
And never, ever kiss my hand. I've actually had this happen with a few flirty business associates. Usually it startles me to the point where I actually jerk my hand back, as it's so inappropriate. It gives me the impression that you're looking at the wrong assets for a business meeting, and that you don't know how to work with business-oriented women, and therefore probably won't get my business, or whatever else you were looking for.
Simply put: strong, firm, full handshake. Nothing else will do.
If there are other business women out there, I'd love to hear your viewpoints on this as well to see if this is just my pet peeve or a fairly universal expectation.
Connor
· 1 year ago
In regards to one of your many suggestions:
"Be aware of different social customs. Most cultures have different customs for shaking hands. Some find it inappropriate for a man to shake a woman’s hand and some cultures find shaking hands completely unacceptable. Be sensitive to these situations."
I am sorry, but if you refuse to shake a woman's hand, I refuse to shake your hand.
lewis
· 1 year ago
I'll always remember my nan's boyfriend's handshake. Firm, looked you in the eyes and smiled and that's how he greeted/farewelled (I'm tired ok?) everyone including me from...must have been before I was 5yrs old.
Even though he died quite a few years ago it's always the first thing anyone remembers when they think about him and it goes to show how powerful an act it is.
It's surprising how many people have forgotten what a proper handshake is. A handshake is more than a courtesy, it's a statement. Sadly I'm one of those people who do it automatically but, thanks to AoM for reminding me, I'll be giving the firm handshake I so fondly recall from now on!
Barry
· 1 year ago
Regarding the man/woman shake, I have found in the business world that women, especially younger ones, generally follow the same rules as men and offer a similar firm handshake. If they differ at all, they usually offer a slightly shallower grip where you are getting the fingers only rather than the palm of the hand, but this doesn't really require any adjustment from the man. The only adjustment I make is to not offer the handshake to a woman, but wait for her offer, which is the rule from traditional social etiquette, although probably unnecessary to follow in modern business.
I know one woman who offers what I would call a victorian handshake. She offers just the fingers and holds the hand sideways relative to the normal orientation (palm facing the floor). This is unusual, but definitely has an air of class about it. This is probably how the Queen of England would shake hands. This woman comes from an established southern family and was a debutante, etc. The handshake suits her, but I don't think it could be pulled of by everyone. And probably best used in social settings rather than business. I consider this handshake the equivalent of offering a personal calling card instead of a business card. It almost looks like an offer to kiss her hand, but don't go there. Give it a shallow grip for a moment without pumping.
I once encountered a salesman who used a crusher handshake. He gripped my hand so hard I thought he was trying to break a bone. I honestly believe he thinks a handshake is a contest of strength. I am still dumfounded by this experience. Please don't ever shake hands this way. If unsure, match the grip strength of the other people you are shaking hands with.
Always offer your right hand. There will be times when someone has to offer their left hand to you because maybe they don't have a right hand or it is in a cast, etc. In these cases, you still use your right hand and just do the best you can with the grip. It will probably be a shallower grip, mostly just the fingers and the leftie will probably offer with the palm down similar to the lady's Victorian shake mentioned above. It will seem odd to you, but they are used to it, so let it pass without comment.
Some men offer a slightly or fully palm-down handshake, forcing you to engage with your palm tilted up. This is a sign of dominance. One way to handle this is to grip it and then rotate it to vertical to show that you are not submissive.
If you have sweaty palms, which may well happen prior to an important meeting, then wash and dry your hands prior to the meeting. Also remember to hold your hand open while waiting for the meeting. Holding a clenched fist for any length of time will trap the sweat and make your hand wet.
Don't be so focused on the gripping aspect that you forget to look the person in the eye, smile and make a polite comment such as "Nice to meet you, Bob" It is perfectly fine to fumble the grip as long as you are getting these more important aspects right.
Dave
· 1 year ago
When I shake hands with men, I always have a good level of firmness, and never try to crush someone's hand, but have been taken by surprise enough times by aggressive handshakers that I am always ready to escalate to meet their grip. I alway close my hand the tiniest bit instead of holding it flat, again to avoid having my hand rolled and crushed by an aggressive handshaker. Give it a few good shakes, look 'em in the eye and smile, and that's that.
When I shake with women, my grip is never weak but I don't squeeze tightly. It's almost like holding a bird—firmly, but delicately. I also use two hands, and only pump once or twice. It's more like taking her hand than shaking it. Again, direct look and smile.
I don't personally meet women in a business setting, so I might do a more formal and less warm shake in that circumstance.
Joy
· 1 year ago
@Brett McKay - I definitely agree that a weak handshake is a turn off whether you're a man or woman. I'm grateful as a woman that my dad and my teachers taught me how to be a feminite woman with a firm handshake. My first thought when a man's hand just slides off of my firm grasp, is impotentcy. Uhh..pretty harsh, but it's my first impression. Or I think they don't respect me enough to actually take the handshake seriously. I'm not porcelain. I can handle a firm grasp. You can touch me to, I don't have kooties. And women... You need to take this seriously as well. A Woman to Woman handshake should show the same respect and professionalism. No LIMP wrist! Even the graceful English style pinch should show the effort to touch the other.
Tony Woodward
· 11 months ago
Re: The double handshake (which is what I was looking for when I found this site)
I just discovered this site today whilst surfing for something totally different (serendipity lives and thrives on the Web which is why I love it!) and this site is really interesting and I am having an unexpected bonanza! I shall explore it further.
On the topic of handshaking I am reminded of J. Edgar Hoover. He hated sweaty palms so much that potential contacts were offered handkerchiefs and towels to dry off their hands before even being allowed into the regal presence. If you had sweaty palms then you were dead in the water before you even spoke to him.
Yes, Virginia, some people really ARE that shallow! And unfortunately some of them wield power!
I use the double handshake with people I really like, as a way of showing it, when as a very reserved person I would probably not show my liking in any other way. I would never use it on first contact with anyone because that would be a lie.
The double handshake is the ultimate expression of warmth just short of a hug. I am a quietly backward Brit even after 40 years as a Canadian, so I don’t use hugs lightly! But I do use them sometimes - for family or very best friends in appropriate situations - 40 years as a North American have rubbed off on me but a true Brit would die rather than do that. Even now I feel self-conscious when I do.
And you will never see me kiss someone on both cheeks - I’d have to be Latin to do that and this is not in my arsenal. Cultures vary and I respect them all and I am fascinated by the variety (unless of course they are dedicated to killing me). But kissing people on both cheeks is not in my culture.
Reading this correspondence, I too hate wet fish handshakes but I have never been in a position where handshaking was regarded as a contest like arm reslting. Perhaps I have been lucky. In that situation I would just let him win and then quietly despise him and if possible refuse him my business.
My two cents’ worth.
Tony Woodward
· 11 months ago
Sorry about "reslting" in my recent post - I meant "wrestling" of course, and I didn't even catch this when I was doing a last proofreading. We are all fallible!
Terry Boyne
· 9 months ago
Back in the day, a gentleman would kiss a lady's hand.
I recall reading a quote from a prominent author - I'm sorry I can't recall who - who said he knew our culture was waning when men no longer kissed a lady's hand.
All Comments
Kudos, Brett. Nice article.
Christian
What gives?
I think woman are confused about hand shaking. Handshakes are definitely more of a manly guy thing so woman don't know what to do. Is it too masculine to shake really firmly? But then the only alternative is the dead fish. This confusion also extends to female to female handshakes I would also note. What are woman to do when they meet another woman who does not warrant a hug? A woman to woman handshake outside of the workplace feels very awkward. Which is why we often do the side hug. But sometimes even the side hug is too intimate. So it's a real pickle.
@ Justin- I agree. It can be confusing handshaking with women. I'm an equal opportunity handshaker and will shake hands the same way with women as I do men.
@ Kate- I haven't thought about women greeting each other. I could see how that would be confusing. Hmmm.... I don't have any answers for you on this one.
@ Kyle- Good call on avoiding the e. coli handshake. It's also good to be aware if people from other cultures shake hands. You don't want to ruin a business deal with some foreign company because you shook some guys hand.
Good for you being a equal-opportunity hand-shaker. I believe that dead-fish handshakes are as equally repellant and "telling" from a woman as they are a man. I believe that your "how to do it" guidelines apply as equally to women as they do men.
I will tell you that a man who will look me in the eyes, offer his hand, and engage in a friendly, firm but not crushing handshake with me wins major points in my book. I'm completely in support of chivalry and all, but not at the cost of the women-as-equals progress we've made. A good handshake from a man means he sees me as an equal human being; it's a true sign of respect.
As the mother of a teenaged son whom I'm grooming to become a "manly" man, I'm confused about the "man hug" thing. Can you shed any light on this subject? I'm 43. I can easily remember the days when men simply did not hug other men. I like this advancement (man hugs) but as I said, I don't understand the rules. Your "manly" take on it would be appreciated.
By that I mean my index finger crosses at her knuckle line, my thumb under her fingers. (I have very large hands, like a dairy farmer). This conveys that I view her as an equal, not with the intent to dominate. It is very simple that women have smaller hands.
With men, I do fully 'engage' thumb to thumb' and again, this is more of a peer to peer issue.
I am also in the midwest, so our handshaking is more conservative, what we call the 'double pumper', or about two shakes.
As to the hugging thing, my son-in-law is Belgian, and he has introduced our family to hugging. If it is someone well known, man hugging is good. There is definitely an age cutoff for where this does not feel 'natural'. Unless both are continental.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Excellent website by the way!
As far as timing being off, I've found that if I don't look directly at the shake, our hands will meet with no problem.
The dreaded finger shake! I loathe when someone tries to get away with the finger shake. Definitely leaves a bad impression when someone tries to do that.
Thanks for the kind words as well.
I agree that women probably find a weak handshake from a man a turn off. The dead fish should be avoided at all costs. Thanks for your tips!
2. Slight typo in bullet 4 of How to
"When you off your hand, look the person in the eye and smile."
I think you meant "offer your hand"
3. What is the best way to rectify the dreaded finger shake?
Is it worthwhile to stop the social flow of things and re-initiate another "web to web" shake?
Is it worthwhile to mention to the person "oh sorry about that.."?
Or should you just play it off like it was the other persons fault?
Excellent point Old School European Guy. I think the courtesy ladder has been completely forgotten about, especially in America. For example, most people forget the courtesy ladder when making introductions.
--The double handshake--
Handshake starts with one hand extended, half a second later have your free hand sandwich your "victim's" hand between both your hands.
It conveys power as well as excitement about interacting with a subject.
When 'testing the waters,' I've noticed that a handshake-to-hug approach is quite good. You start with a firm handshake, and if it seems appropriate, move in to hug with the free arm, keeping a good grasp on the hand the whole way. I think it conveys respect, but shows that you're beginning bond with him on a more personal level, which is an essential but lost art.
Paul
First, I'll let you know I give a strong handshake. My hands are certainly smaller than most men's, but a firm and full grip is what everyone gets. As a business woman, you'll get my respect in the business world a lot faster if you do the same. I don't know about other women, but I can tell if you are not using your full strength for a handshake. And I know it may not be true, but it gives me the impression that you wouldn't think I could handle it...not a good way to start a business relationship with me. It's just annoying.
Whatever you do, do not give the limp hand shake. It gives women at the very least the above impression, and with me it'll give the impression of a lack of strength altogether. It gives you the appearance of being less than a man.
And never, ever kiss my hand. I've actually had this happen with a few flirty business associates. Usually it startles me to the point where I actually jerk my hand back, as it's so inappropriate. It gives me the impression that you're looking at the wrong assets for a business meeting, and that you don't know how to work with business-oriented women, and therefore probably won't get my business, or whatever else you were looking for.
Simply put: strong, firm, full handshake. Nothing else will do.
If there are other business women out there, I'd love to hear your viewpoints on this as well to see if this is just my pet peeve or a fairly universal expectation.
"Be aware of different social customs. Most cultures have different customs for shaking hands. Some find it inappropriate for a man to shake a woman’s hand and some cultures find shaking hands completely unacceptable. Be sensitive to these situations."
I am sorry, but if you refuse to shake a woman's hand, I refuse to shake your hand.
Even though he died quite a few years ago it's always the first thing anyone remembers when they think about him and it goes to show how powerful an act it is.
It's surprising how many people have forgotten what a proper handshake is. A handshake is more than a courtesy, it's a statement. Sadly I'm one of those people who do it automatically but, thanks to AoM for reminding me, I'll be giving the firm handshake I so fondly recall from now on!
I know one woman who offers what I would call a victorian handshake. She offers just the fingers and holds the hand sideways relative to the normal orientation (palm facing the floor). This is unusual, but definitely has an air of class about it. This is probably how the Queen of England would shake hands. This woman comes from an established southern family and was a debutante, etc. The handshake suits her, but I don't think it could be pulled of by everyone. And probably best used in social settings rather than business. I consider this handshake the equivalent of offering a personal calling card instead of a business card. It almost looks like an offer to kiss her hand, but don't go there. Give it a shallow grip for a moment without pumping.
I once encountered a salesman who used a crusher handshake. He gripped my hand so hard I thought he was trying to break a bone. I honestly believe he thinks a handshake is a contest of strength. I am still dumfounded by this experience. Please don't ever shake hands this way. If unsure, match the grip strength of the other people you are shaking hands with.
Always offer your right hand. There will be times when someone has to offer their left hand to you because maybe they don't have a right hand or it is in a cast, etc. In these cases, you still use your right hand and just do the best you can with the grip. It will probably be a shallower grip, mostly just the fingers and the leftie will probably offer with the palm down similar to the lady's Victorian shake mentioned above. It will seem odd to you, but they are used to it, so let it pass without comment.
Some men offer a slightly or fully palm-down handshake, forcing you to engage with your palm tilted up. This is a sign of dominance. One way to handle this is to grip it and then rotate it to vertical to show that you are not submissive.
If you have sweaty palms, which may well happen prior to an important meeting, then wash and dry your hands prior to the meeting. Also remember to hold your hand open while waiting for the meeting. Holding a clenched fist for any length of time will trap the sweat and make your hand wet.
Don't be so focused on the gripping aspect that you forget to look the person in the eye, smile and make a polite comment such as "Nice to meet you, Bob" It is perfectly fine to fumble the grip as long as you are getting these more important aspects right.
When I shake with women, my grip is never weak but I don't squeeze tightly. It's almost like holding a bird—firmly, but delicately. I also use two hands, and only pump once or twice. It's more like taking her hand than shaking it. Again, direct look and smile.
I don't personally meet women in a business setting, so I might do a more formal and less warm shake in that circumstance.
And women... You need to take this seriously as well. A Woman to Woman handshake should show the same respect and professionalism.
No LIMP wrist!
Even the graceful English style pinch should show the effort to touch the other.
I just discovered this site today whilst surfing for something totally different (serendipity lives and thrives on the Web which is why I love it!) and this site is really interesting and I am having an unexpected bonanza! I shall explore it further.
On the topic of handshaking I am reminded of J. Edgar Hoover. He hated sweaty palms so much that potential contacts were offered handkerchiefs and towels to dry off their hands before even being allowed into the regal presence. If you had sweaty palms then you were dead in the water before you even spoke to him.
Yes, Virginia, some people really ARE that shallow! And unfortunately some of them wield power!
I use the double handshake with people I really like, as a way of showing it, when as a very reserved person I would probably not show my liking in any other way. I would never use it on first contact with anyone because that would be a lie.
The double handshake is the ultimate expression of warmth just short of a hug. I am a quietly backward Brit even after 40 years as a Canadian, so I don’t use hugs lightly! But I do use them sometimes - for family or very best friends in appropriate situations - 40 years as a North American have rubbed off on me but a true Brit would die rather than do that. Even now I feel self-conscious when I do.
And you will never see me kiss someone on both cheeks - I’d have to be Latin to do that and this is not in my arsenal. Cultures vary and I respect them all and I am fascinated by the variety (unless of course they are dedicated to killing me). But kissing people on both cheeks is not in my culture.
Reading this correspondence, I too hate wet fish handshakes but I have never been in a position where handshaking was regarded as a contest like arm reslting. Perhaps I have been lucky. In that situation I would just let him win and then quietly despise him and if possible refuse him my business.
My two cents’ worth.
I recall reading a quote from a prominent author - I'm sorry I can't recall who - who said he knew our culture was waning when men no longer kissed a lady's hand.