Art of Manliness - Latest Comments in General

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Andrew — Sun, 11 May 2008 05:17:33 -0000

Is there a reason to sign a legal document of commitment in order to have a best friend, and someone to the share ups and downs of life with? I've had friends all my life who play those roles, but the married people I know tend to spend less time with friends and more time just together with themselves.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Bob — Sat, 10 May 2008 22:52:50 -0000

The message that come through to me from merely looking at the great picture you posted is that a happy couple complement each other - they are not in competition. Look at their faces - this is happiness in the beloved.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Phil — Sat, 10 May 2008 09:51:20 -0000

Being honest about your feelings is a great philosophy in almost any situation, it always amazes me how many relationship problems could be solved if the couple just told each other how they felt.

I've told her that I want nothing in the world more than to be with her, so i'll just carry on trying to make her see how good it could be and try to make her believe that I'd do everything I could to stop her getting hurt again.
Other than that, I'll make the most of every single moment we spend together and hope that she'll choose me in the end.

Thanks for taking me seriously, caring, and taking the time to help.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Wrathbone — Sat, 10 May 2008 02:55:19 -0000

“Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” I'm acting as usher at a friend's wedding in August...mind if I use that during a toast? Because that has got to be one of the most heartwarming lines I've ever heard. Seeing as I'm single, maybe dropping that zinger will entice some ladies at the reception and I just may find my "one."

As to the rest of the article, I think it hits the nail on the head perfectly. Especially the emphasis on how natural it all comes together. So many relationships are rife with problems and tensions. Rarely do they ever seem to fit as natural as it would if the two were truly meant to be together. I really am taking a liking to this website and this article really helped put my single status into perspective. Basically I just tell myself, "be patient. When you meet her, you'll know."

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

rodh — Sat, 10 May 2008 02:45:38 -0000

I loved this line from your father-in-law at your wedding: “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” Thanks. Great post..

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Rod H. — Sat, 10 May 2008 02:44:06 -0000

I loved this line from your father-in-law: “Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it’s about finding the person you can’t live without.” Great post. Thanks.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Chick — Sat, 10 May 2008 00:03:52 -0000

Very revealing if she doesn't get along with her parents?

It really depends on the situation. If, for example, she was unfortunate enough to have a parent that was abusive (be it mentally, physically or emotional), would you prefer she tough it out and pretend for your sake she gets along with them? Or, would it be better that she avoid the situation and live a healthier and happier lifestyle because of it?

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Kate McKay — Fri, 09 May 2008 23:29:02 -0000

Well, I wish I had some good advice for you Phil. You seem very sincere and genuine about your love. But I have to say this is quite a pickle. My usual advice is to open up and be honest about your feelings, but it seems you have already done that. It's hard to say what the next step should be. When you two talk about your mutual love for one another, do you follow up by saying how you would like to have a relationship with her and how you wish she wasn't with the other guy? If you've already made that clear, I guess the only thing to do is to cross your fingers and wait. I have faith that when things are meant to be, they naturally work out. But sometimes it takes time. I wish you luck.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

manmails — Fri, 09 May 2008 22:26:16 -0000

Great point about being proud of her! I was pretty impressed with my wife when we first married, and now, 21 years later, I just stand in awe of her! I mean proud isn't a strong enough word for how I feel about her now. Admirer sounds about right.
She is definately the better half of us.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Phil — Fri, 09 May 2008 19:38:24 -0000

Yes I have, we've both been quite open with each other about how we feel, which is great, and we spend a lot of time together.

I wish I knew what is keeping her with the other guy, it's a question I've never had the courage to ask her. I've talked to him a bit and he's nice enough, but nothing special. I do have a bit of a theory though:

four years ago, she went out with a guy who would sometimes joyride. Understandably, she didn't like this so she asked him to stop. He did, and they had a fantastic relationship for two years until he left her for a very attractive blonde. Almost immediately, he realised his mistake and apolised to her, saying he wanted her back if she would have him.
She was hurt, but still wanted him back too. However, she didn't want him to think that he could walk all over her so she said no, intending to let him think about his mistake for a couple of weeks and then take him back.
That night, obviously angry at himself, he stole a car and crashed. He was killed instantly.
She couldn't blame him, so she blamed herself, hated herself and was admitted into hospital for severe self harm several times over the next few months.

Sorry for the tragic account, she's a lot better now, and I think it is a testament to how incredibly emotionally strong she is that she can even still feel love after going through so much pain because she allowed herself to be vulnerable.

Perhaps she's with her boyfriend because she isn't all that close to him, maybe that's the only sort of relationship she can let herself be in. At least like this, she can't get hurt the way she was before.

If that's the case, I can certainly sympathise with her. When I first realised I loved her, I fought it with all my strength, I hated myself for it. I don't like feeling vulnerable and powerless, I don't like having no control over how I feel.
With time, and a lot of thinking, I've come to appreciate that only by relinquishing control and accepting that some emotions are much stronger than I am can I experience the ridiculous happiness I feel whenever I even lay eyes on her, something I never could have even imagined before. I'm glad I love her, and maybe someday she'll overcome her fears, I don't know.

I'd also like to say thanks for your reply. It's amazing that you actually care about the problems of a complete stranger, and it's great for me to actually be able to get all this stuff of my chest.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Night Writer — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:09:31 -0000

Those are useful points to consider, Brett. I'm thinking, however, that there are certain questions a man ought to be asking (and able to answer) about himself to determine if HE is marriageable. Meeting Miss Right doesn't guarantee much if you don't have a clue (or a willingness to learn) about how to be Mr. Right.

So, what are those questions? I'll get back to you on that - I feel a blogpost coming on!

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Roman — Fri, 09 May 2008 18:01:26 -0000

What a great post. It made me want to be into some sort of relationship again...too bad I only encounter bad experiences. I guess every single thing has a right timing for everybody, including right relationships with the right person.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Kate McKay — Fri, 09 May 2008 17:53:23 -0000

Have you ever come right out and told her that you love her? What is keeping her with this other guy?

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

bob — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:40:09 -0000

good point, but what about pre-marital sex with someone you intend to marry?

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Phil — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:37:01 -0000

brilliant article, I've come to expect great advice here by now, but this is probably the best I've seen.

I have a different problem which this article doesn't adress: I found 'the one'. She knows me better than I know myself and just to be near her makes me happier than logic dictates should ever be possible.
To me, she is perfect in every way, and what frankly terrifies me is that I mean that literally.
I've thought about almost nothing else for over a year now, and I am quite sure about how I feel. Simply put, there could never be anyone else for me. She told me she loves me too, and I believe her, but she's in a long-term relationship which shows no sign of ending. No idea what, if anything, I can do.

Congratulations (and a fair bit of jealosy) to all who managed to end up with their soulmate.

Thanks to Brett and Kate for the consistent superb advice and to the commenters for some very interesting and well articulated debates.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Brett McKay — Fri, 09 May 2008 16:06:56 -0000

I get most of the pics for this site on flickr.com.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Tim — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:46:32 -0000

i would add that for a great marriage - there should be no obvious difference between the pre and post marriage relationship.
My point being that the relationship should be great before the marriage. Getting married , having a wedding, etc will never fix a bad relationship.
Also - don't get wrapped up in the wedding day and def don't get into debt. Its one day and the marriage will last forever!

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Adlyn — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:36:04 -0000

beautiful picture where did you find it!

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

QuantumKnight — Fri, 09 May 2008 15:25:13 -0000

The choosing of the right person to be your wife is probably within the top 3 decisions of your life that will either build you or break you. The best thing one can do is to pray as early as possible in one´s life to have God bring you the right person He has for you. One thing that I would suggest is to look into your chosen one´s family to see if there is any family history of divorce. This brings an iniquity and mental traumas that are really difficult to work with. So if possible check that she comes from an stable family with good Christian principles in place.

Many blessings,

Art Gonzalez
Check my Squidoo Lens at: Quantum Knights

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Cameron Schaefer — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:18:04 -0000

I think an important factor in knowing if she's the one is whether or not you are proud to introduce her to your friends and family.

One of the best things about my wife was how I felt having people meet her when we were just dating and then engaged. I knew that she was incredible and would never embarrass me or make me feel awkward in front of those closest to me.

If you are scared to have your friends and family meet her, chances are, she's not the one for you.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

simplemarriage — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:15:53 -0000

There is no way around the fact that marriage is work. But everything in life of value requires work. To simplify it even more, to make a marriage work only requires two people who choose to stay married. Marriage is not all the movies portray it to be, it has both good and bad. But going through this with someone else makes it all the better.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Brett McKay — Fri, 09 May 2008 13:41:19 -0000

"Unless one wants children, why would any single man today want to get married?"

How about to have a constant companion and best friend, someone to share all the ups and downs of life with? Life is far more fun and fulfilling with someone by your side. There's an expression I heard once, that said something to the effect of, "shared sorrow is half sorrow, shared joy is double joy."

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Kate McKay — Fri, 09 May 2008 13:38:18 -0000

I agree with the idea of that marriage involves committing to the one you married. But I also believe in the idea of "the one," the idea that there really is something akin to soulmates.

I do think that for every person there are many people in the world they could marry and have a happy and solid marriage. But I also think there are a few people, or maybe a single person out there who is your perfect soulmate.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Weezer1223 — Fri, 09 May 2008 13:33:24 -0000

I wasn't. Just a little nervous.

Re: How Do You Know When She’s the One?

Odgie — Fri, 09 May 2008 13:18:32 -0000

You are right on all counts. I was nervous before the wedding, but that is because neither I nor my wife likes being the center of the attention.