This is a blog that I would not have expected to see in today's world, but which is intelligent, reflective and honest. Great stuff.
Devan
· 1 year ago
Great article, but shouldn't it be "sowing wild oats" ?? :)
John Ek
· 1 year ago
Excellent advice and information. I am a firm believer of the "good offense" solution. I have an amazing time with my fiance and will never look elsewhere. We make a concerted effort to please and enjoy each other and we are both extremely happy because of it. I know she is happy because I ask everyday. Thanks for the information.
Ted
· 1 year ago
Honestly, I couldn't be more happy with this blog right now.
Many men think it is manly to be with as many women as they can, and sowing their seed wherever and whenever they feel like it.
It takes a true man to be faithful, and honest, and good to his wife.
Thank you for this post. Some great tips.
Mark
· 1 year ago
This is a great article with great advice. Along with Ted, I "Honestly couldn’t be more happy with this blog right now."
Thanks AoM!!!
Mr. Jones
· 1 year ago
"What’s remarkable about these findings is the huge number of men that cheated due to emotional rather than sexual dissatisfaction."
I don't know about that. For a man to cheat on his wife, it makes him a liar (to put it mildly). So why wouldn't these men lie to the survey?
It carries much more weight to claim emotional dissatisfaction than to simply admit that you can't keep it in your pants. This puts the onus back on the "harpy" wife for being so "insensitive" to the poor guy's emotional needs.
xjcl
· 1 year ago
This article hit the spot, and it hit it hard.
In a few hours two days ago, I told a girl that I liked (who has a boyfriend) if I could not be more than friends with her then I did not want to continue speaking to her. After that, I received a message from an ex girlfriend of mine, a major ex girlfriend who I don't communicate with because whenever I do it sends me down a bad path... Following that, another (girl) friend came over to hang out. We ended up casually hooking up and almost had sex. It came very, very close. Very tempting indeed. I don't even like this woman.
Needless to say, woman have been on my mind all week. Thank you for this article. It's helped me clear my head and get me back into a perspective of upholding integrity. Knowing that I am coming from a place that is seeking validation a sense of worth, and how dangerous of a place that can be.
Thanks again
Neal Davis
· 1 year ago
This is a very insightful post on what makes many men start on a path in which they lose control of their life. Sound warnings.
George
· 1 year ago
As said before, the article is spot on.
To be honest, I don't see the finding that a lot of men cheat due to emotional dissatisfaction as all that surprising.
In my three-year relationship with my current woman, there has been a number of periods where she just did not respond to me emotionally. It took a variety of forms, but, in general, that's what it all boiled down to.
Although she's stunning and the sex is great, I had had thoughts of cheating on her more than once. What stopped me is my own personal moral code (I'm just not a cheater). Eventually we were able to sit down and talk things through and fix them for the most part.
Personally, I don't believe that cheating on your woman is ever justified. I don't mean to lecture or sound moralistic, but I've always believed that if you're tempted to have some fun with someone else, at least give your current woman the courtesy of breaking things off with her first.
The moral of the story is - until that happened, I would've never even thought myself capable of cheating on my woman. But there I was, seriously considering either having some fun with one of the girls at the nightclubs here (quite easy to pick up if you have the cash) or just going to another town for some quick, no-strings-attached fun.
You don't know if you're a cheater until you've been in a situation where you have reasons to cheat.
Peter James
· 1 year ago
Great post. The fact that one good time can turn into one long nightmare overwhelms any other desires for me.
question: in general, there are men who are free and often changes partners (for sex), why is it considered, in public, like evil thing, i consider it likewise, but i dont know what cause this wiev, history or..?? what do you think?
cory huff
· 1 year ago
I'm also not surprised that men cheat for emotional reasons. It makes sense.
If you've watched Mad Men, it's a perfect example of what you're talking about, Brett. The main character is married with children, and his wife tries as hard as she can, but he won't open up to ANYONE, so he finds a woman who has no ties to any other part of his life and puts all of his emotions and sex into a relationship with her.
Shameful and awkward, but brilliantly explanatory of the modern man.
Neil
· 1 year ago
Great article! Almost everything you said hit home with me. But a few things struck me as particularly not true (or at least, not true for ME):
"Obviously, you can’t make yourself feel valued and needed, that kind of feedback needs to come from the lady in your life." While I see where you're going with this, I think positive self-talk and creatively challenging yourself (which you suggest at the end of the article) ARE good ways to make yourself feel valued and needed. Relying on your partner for value is the very definition of being needy, is it not? It has to come from within.
"Don’t go to a “friendly” lunch with your secretary; don’t stay late at work chatting with your female co-worker; don’t exchange personal emails and text messages with your wife’s friend." I also see where you're going with this, and I agree. If you're physically attracted and not getting what you want at home, don't do it. BUT, I think a lot of couples take this line of thinking too far, and end up prohibiting their partner from forming friendships or any kind of connection with those of the opposite sex. That kind of control and jealousy is stifling to any relationship! Make sure you discuss the boundaries with your partner, and that they're boundaries you can both accept and agree on.
Just my 2 cents - keep up the great blog!
Brett
· 1 year ago
@Neil-
I do think that a man can make himself feel valued, but I don't think a man can make himself feel needed. Because being needed has to involve someone else who well, needs you. I think there's a difference between wanting to be needed and being "needy." Needy people rely on their partner to meet all of their emotional needs. It's not healthy. But feeling needed is actually the opposite. It simply means that you feel like you are meeting some of your partner's needs.
I agree that some couple go too far in restricting relationships with the opposite sex. I think the emphasis is on "personal" emails and such. You shouldn't be talking to other people about personal stuff that you're not sharing with your significant other.
Jon
· 1 year ago
Great article, it's spot on.
rengal
· 1 year ago
This blog just keeps getting better and better. Interesting info, entertaining, and wisdom as well.
Patrick
· 1 year ago
Ok this may be a really odd question, but where do you stand on swingers? My parents have been swingers for about 20 years. They told me when I was 20 years old (talk about the worlds most awkward conversation), I'm 27 now. They were always very descrete when we were growing up (hence the fact that I NEVER knew until they told me). They've been married going on 32 years now, and frankly I feel they are the most in-tune and happily married couple that I've ever met. I almost feel that their comfort level and acceptance of eachother is enhanced by their unusual lifestyle (not that they need to swing to be happy with eachother).
They don't view it as cheating considering they're always together when they swing (again, you cannot fathom how weird this conversation with them was, but hey I appreciate their honesty). I actually have no problems with what they do, but we were raised to be extremely open-minded (and now I know why hehe). My dad said it wasn't because they were getting bored or that their love life needed some spice, but that he feels that humans are not meant to be 100% monogamous creatures. They always swing with couples they know, and are not the type that pick up random couples at a bar (yes, I know, imagine your parents telling you this...so uncomfortable, but I got used to it)
While I understand and respect the article you wrote, I wish it would have touched more on sex in "alternative" lifestyles. Not all sex outside of marriage I feel is evil. Then again maybe only I can understand this having the parents that I do. While there is NO excuse for cheating, what about couples who do sleep with others but with the approval of their partner?
Just curious of people's responses to this. Most of my close friends who know my parents are aware of their lifestyle and couldn't be more supportive. I've never felt that my parents are "cheaters" and well after all these years its become pretty normal to me. So do you believe in this instance that sex is being a "man/woman killer?"
Bill
· 1 year ago
Patrick-
I don't think there is anything wrong with what your parents do (although wow, as you said, what an awkward conversation to have with them!). It's not cheating because they've both consented to it, there's no lying or dishonesty in it.
I think every married man, somewhere deep deep down man wants to try swinging, at least once. It's a interesting fantasy. I think the problem is that it sounds good to be trying it with another woman, but then if you pan over your imagination to picturing your wife doing it with some other guy, then the fantasy evaporates. At least for me.
Art Nelson
· 1 year ago
Never fantasize about anyone except your wife?
Even Cosmo offers better tips than that. Women, especially, benefit from healthy fantasies and its advocated by many therapists. Not only that, but they are like dreams. You can't control them. We all do it and should relish it as part of the human experience.
Many men cheat because it's in our DNA. Our DNA is like gravity. It's a force that's there 24/7 and many cannot resist it forever. Many men are one fight, one emotional period of feeling worthless, one hot secretary away from straying.
The article is spot on as far as how important it is for men to feel valued. Women have a bit of a burden here. Keep sex interesting. Give it up when he wants it. Don't gain weight. Keep yourself pretty. Stay affectionate and appreciative.
Of course, nothing will work with that certain type of guy who is led by his libido and to hell with everything else.
Heather
· 1 year ago
Sadly this applies to so many males I meet here at my college. I sometimes feel like they took a class in juggling, because they have so many women in thier lives at once and somehow manage to keep them all happy and unknowing of the others. Thank you.
StevefromMKE
· 1 year ago
Well, if it's in our DNA, men should be practicing another lost art: self control. Whether it's sex or food or alcohol.
Virilitas
· 1 year ago
My favorite tip in this great post, Brett, is "don’t even walk down her street." It is so much easier to avoid temptations (like cheating) when we make it a habit to stay out of situations that present those temptations in a potentially overwhelming way.
This is the very reason that in times past, it was considered improper for an unmarried man and woman to be alone together. The situation was considered dangerous, and those who put themselves in such a situation scandalized others by so doing.
@Patrick: the practice of "swinging" is very undesirable. If not for condoms, the practice would spread nasty diseases at an alarmingly rapid rate. Even WITH condoms, it still spreads various STD's. This is detrimental to any marriage or society.
One can argue that technology has made these considerations unnecessary. Nevertheless, it is undeniable that "swinging" would be an unsustainable practice if man were left only with what nature has provided for him. That, in itself, is a very powerful statement.
Hayden Tompkins
· 1 year ago
I've always liked what Leopold from the movie "Kate & Leopold" said:
"To court a woman in one's employ is a serpentine effort to turn a lady into a whore."
Brett
· 1 year ago
I'm glad a lot of you are enjoying the post. I'd like to make sure it's author, AoM's regular contributor Cameron Schaefer gets the props. He's the man.
Alec Corday
· 1 year ago
As always, excellent article in a great series. Well researched from great sources. Even quoting the Bible... you don't see that every day these days.
Beowulf87
· 1 year ago
Fantastic post, my friend. What I loved about this is that although this article wasn't even religious, but for the most part it really resonated with my faith. Great stuff; please, keep it up!
This is going onto my own blog!
Spencer
Patrick
· 1 year ago
@ Virilitas
while I did ask for imput and I understand that some people are going to dissapprove of my parent's lifestyle, I really think that your baseless accusations are somewhat rude. I have no idea whether or not my parent's use the proper protection (I've never asked and frankly I'm happy just assuming that they do) but I'd like to think that them being the smart and responsible adults that they are they would do everything they could to protect themselves.
To say my parents are merely STD spreaders is rather harsh and insulting. ANY type of sex has the potential to spread STD's, so please don't single out my parents as though they are senseless people with no care for their own or other's health.
Don't even get me started on the "detremental to society" part either. I shouldn't be offended by that statement as it is your right to have such an opinion, but thats a bit harsh and a rash overgeneralization. My parents are law-abiding, kind and generous people. They do their best to contribute positively to society, and just because you dissapprove of what they do, it does not give you the right to make baseless assumptions about them.
Peter
· 1 year ago
@Patrick - obviously you didn't really want feedback, if you can expend such energy on someone who simply says that having sex with lots of people is asking for diseases. Yes, every sex act can spread diseases - and when you do with lots of different people, you're more likely than if you don't!
He didn't say your parents were "merely STD spreaders," he pointed out an aspect of their love life that makes it riskier. And he emphasized that the STDs are what make the practice detrimental to society, not anything else. He didn't assume anything about your parents, except that you were telling the truth when you said they engage in a sexual practice which is comparatively risky. If you said your parents skydived, and he pointed out that it was more risky than staying at home, would you be comparably put-out?
If you aren't willing to take comments for what they actually say, not offense you take at reading them, don't say you want comments!
The American Heritage Dictionary defines a swinger as "a person who engages freely in promiscuous sex," and "a member of a couple, especially a married couple, who exchanges sexual partners."
My comments were frank statements about the practice of "swinging" and its natural consequences on individuals and society; they were neither statements about your parents, in particular, nor generalizations about activities that swingers may engage in besides swinging.
John Michael Cannon
· 1 year ago
I really like #2. Men need more skills in the bedroom but, unlike the women, we don't share sex secrets or even talk about how to please our women better. This blog is filling a great need.
Michel
· 1 year ago
thanks for post
jack
· 1 year ago
Good article,but to say Elliot Spitzer had a promising career? Give me a break. He is a hypocrite of the highest degree.How many peoples lives did he ruin prosecuting them for consensual crimes? No one should vote for any District Attorney, probably lawyers too, to any position in government, much less a legislative position. Legislate means lawmaker. It reeks of conflicts of interest, making laws against adult's private behaviors so that they may profit by running aforesaid persons thru the 'Justice' system wringer. All laws that do not govern person, property or contract are bad law and political crimes! Bad laws create disrespect for good laws. Read a short book written by Frederic Bastiat, in 1849, titled "The Law" and you will better understand this concept. Also, Google 'Jury Nullification', for more info on one of your most important rights over your government.
Katie
· 1 year ago
A Tale of Two Catholics with Really High Sex Drives or "Hey, I Was Ready to Do Your Laundry for the Rest of My Life"
In defense of the weaker sex, please don't hook-up with us unless you're willing to get married.
Just getting over a "relationship" with a guy and the whole thing went like this:
Him: You turn me on. Let's do it! Me: Well, we really shouldn't but you are soooooo someone I would marry. Him: Of course we shouldn't do it but I'm so turned on. BTW, I'm just not ready for a relationship.
And, then:
Him: Um. I've sorta started seeing someone and she doesn't want me talking to you anymore and, remember, the priest said that we weren't good really for one another. It's really not God's will for us to be together. Me: WTF? (followed by hysteria).
Remember, guys, this hurts us far more. We start physically and emotionally bonding before the first orgasm. After a dozen or so, we're hooked and are thinking of names for the babies.
And now he wants me to return his St. Jude medal.
mark
· 1 year ago
@Katie - @xjcl - no offense here Katie, but you sound a little crazy. I've got a tip for you. the next time a guy says 'hmm you turn me on, let's do it' you may expect the same results. Additionaly, if you really prescribe to either statement you made, about women being the "weaker sex", or that women are thinking about babies after 12 sexual episodes, then do not give that St. Jude medal back. In the off chance that it is composed of some precious medals or jewels, you could pawn it in order to get yourself some therapy.
Jennifer
· 1 year ago
Wow. Great article. I agree completely. And it's encouraging to see an article like this geared towards MEN for once. Usually this is the kind of thing you find in Glamour or on Oprah, which is pretty much preaching to the choir, IMO.
Andrew
· 1 year ago
I like your "don't walk down the street" comment - did you know that Billy Graham never used to travel with a woman unless another person was present because he wanted to be sure he wasn't even tempted? Set things up so they work the way they are supposed to. . . .
Matt Searles
· 1 year ago
I find myself kind of disagreeing.. in the big picture. What I mean is I think we are focusing on the surface.. and the behavior of causality webs.. I'm not sure you're really get at.
I was reading, a few weeks ago, some stuff on the psychological structure of marriage from Carl Jung.. I'm used to the notion that.. you might very well choose a mate that.. doesn't really fulfill your needs.. you made the safe bet after all.. and so there remains a kind of lingering part of you that's still seeking out that fulfillment.. that can be the cause of the affair.. and you could argue that in some sense this might be healthy.. or.. perhaps the morality we impose on issues of fidelity are sometimes short sided and miss a larger good.
But what I was fascinated to meditate on is.. the structure and dynamics of the.. course marriages follow.. and there really is a stage where.. like it or not.. one of the partners is getting pushed away.. that this is the usual course of things, to one extent or another.. and that there are many factors that can influence the way things unfold.
There's an old debate in the story of sexual dysfunction.. if we should take the surface approach of sex therapy or the depth psychology type approach of Freud.. and clearly advances in neuroscience, socio biology, brain imaging, and what not.. do further complicate the debate, and its challenges.
I tend to look at these things from a.. Foucault meets Zen sorta perspective.. which is to say it's power relationships that are defining our definitions of good, bad, healthy, unhealthy.. rather then the intrinsic state of things.. The Zen problem is realizing that you are "it" despite the world constantly telling you are not.. another words its the power of "it" that should be doing the defining, not the external power relationships," because.. after all its what we might regard as inward subjective reality that's really driving the show here.
From an "it" centric point of view.. a psychotic crack up is healthy.. it's the psyche inflicting equilibrium on its self.. the question should not be if a thing is good or not, but what is the good of a thing.
So you know.. when we look at powerful men falling.. as a result of sex.. could that be a situation where in.. they where emphasizing external metrics of success over an inward, more subjective, reality? And perhaps it was that subjective reality imposing its "auh-thor-ah-tah" on the person in question.. that then forced them into a life where these subjective realties get more attention? And if so.. if the metric is mental health.. perhaps that's a more healthy condition then where they were before?
I believe in economics the term is "creative destruction?"
Which I suppose is not totally disagreeing with you ether.
megan
· 1 year ago
"The article is spot on as far as how important it is for men to feel valued. Women have a bit of a burden here. Keep sex interesting. Give it up when he wants it. Don’t gain weight. Keep yourself pretty. Stay affectionate and appreciative."
I'm hoping that you have the same advice for your male friends. Be sure to get rid of the beer belly and the bald head too, as age advances. Oh and don't forget to make sure you don't go grey and that you have no "physical limitations". Makes us women feel valued and appreciated. Hope you see how your stupid statement looks buddy.....
ryan
· 1 year ago
I saw the title, 3 Man Killers: Sex, and was quite intrigued. I just came to this blog a few days back and didn't really know what to expect.
This is amazing. And it seems all too right. I'm married and thankfully haven't cheated or even wanted to, but that is because my wife truly is amazing and we talk quite a bit and have some great sex. She definitely makes me feel appreciated and needed. It's amazing how true this article is. I also have been blessed with a couple of very close guy friends that we don't have a problem talking about hard issues and getting into each other's life.
I'll be sending a lot of my friends here, single and married, to read this article specifically but to also see this blog. Keep articles coming like this. Great stuff.
Now I'm going to read more articles.
Jesse
· 1 year ago
This one was spot on. I have, to my dis-credit, been unfaithful back when my wife was my girlfriend. Damn near cost me the best thing in my life. Now that we are married and have a child we have settled into the domesticated thing. Only recently have I noticed my eyes wandering, and I credit our crazy schedules and lack of talkin'-&-lovin' time. But I wouldn't have thought about it as clearly as that without that post, so thanks. Guess I will cancel that lunch with the co-worker on Wednesday . . .
williamgeorge
· 1 year ago
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Shehan
· 1 year ago
Great article. Glad there's courage enough to say it-- and it's all too true.
Jeanette
· 1 year ago
Thanks for an awesome blog! My husband reads your site all the time and really enjoys what you write! I admit, I was skeptical at first. I thought this site was all about how to grill and watch football games and be a "MAN". I have to confess that I have been truly intrigued and amazed at your articles! I especially liked this one. I grew up with a father who worshipped my mother, no matter what she said, did or looked like! I always swore I would marry a man that was that way. (WHICH I DID!!) As women we also have a desire to feel needed and valued and loved! I watched my parents build each other up constantly! I never heard my dad say anything deorgatory or insulting to or about my mom. I also watched as my mom answered the all too famous question women ask... "If you could sleep with anyone in the world who would it be!?" with the simple answer "my husband!" No hesitation, not a missed beat! I feel that this answer came so quickly, because they were not only in love with each other and they always put each other first (even before the kids sometimes!!). They made sure that they both felt needed... NOT NEEDY, NEEDED! There is a difference!!
I really liked the "Don't even walk down her street" section. So many people (MEN AND WOMEN) find it so easy to have what psychologist have termed "Emotional Affairs" at work or elsewhere. They find someone they can talk to and have a good time with. Someone they feel "understands" them and they end up opening up to them about problems they are having at home or things they have been worried about or contemplating. This may or may not turn into a sexual affair, but the damage is already done!! You have broken the trust with your spouse by revealing a portion of who you are and what you really feel with someone else. Really the only person that will truly "understand" anything you are going through at anytime, is the person that is right there going through it with you! Don't get sucked into the "emotional affairs", open up to your spouse/partner and you will be amazed at what it does for a relationship! Thanks again for a great blog!
Polygamous Horndog
· 1 year ago
Just marry one more woman, that solves it.
Andrea
· 1 year ago
Integrity -- now THAT is something a real Man has. Self-control shows great strength, and it makes a true Man stand apart from the hordes of mere boys.
The Unapologetic Conservative
· 1 year ago
Wow! Whodathunk you'd find such spot-on commentary in this day and age? If more of us would adhere to this type of behavior, it'd be a better world. I commend you for your bravery and integrity. Bravo!
Thomas
· 1 year ago
A few moments of pleasure is not worth a lifetime of regret.
aaron
· 1 year ago
Wow... This is a great post man. And I love the fact it come from "the Art of Manliness" because faithfulness ABSOLUTELY should be a quality associated with a real man. Bravo man. You rock. I'll be passing this around to friends.
James
· 1 year ago
I never cheated on my ex-wife, but if I had it would have been because she was not meeting my emotional needs. The thought of cheating did cross my mind, but it would not have been for the sex. The sex would have been secondary, if at all.
I just wanted comfort. Sometimes that takes a physical form, but not always.
Christina
· 1 year ago
Just came across this blog and comments and am very grateful to find some intelligent discussions out there throughout this website. OK, all of you, I need your helpful opinions as I am trying to decide how to proceed. I was divorced 14 years ago after a 15 year marriage and have dated some amazing men since then (although actually took a three year break after a second man lied to me about being married) and now find myself in love for the first time in 20 years. To summarize: I'm 56, still stunningly beautiful (think Bo Derek and I'm just saying that as a fact, not ego). I'm healthy, love to ski, camp, fish, golf, cook, watch football, have just finished writing a book that will be published next year, am an artist, blah, blah blah. I've been dating (living with) a man who's 12 years younger for the past three years and we've gone through all the tough stuff together. He is financially generous (though not wealthy) and supported me while I took care of my dying father and then while I wrote this book. I adore this man. He has the heart of an angel - referring back to an earlier blog - he fits the description of "not someone I can live with but someone I don't want to live without". The problem: I have tried to break up with him five times over three years and finally did it for real three months ago and we are experiencing the real heartbreak of distance. Why have I done this? Because, among other reasons, gentlemen, he is addicted to internet porn. I feel very sorry for men, tied as you are to the biological urge for orgasm and the well-calculated attraction to how a woman looks, the good-feeling chemicals that flood the brain from sex and the easy availability of sexy images - I think that all of us have been given a raw deal by being conditioned to believe that men/people can be monogamous and that marriage must contain that credo. Now, here's the thing for me: I WANT to build my life with this man. I want to share, take care of, have amazing sex with, talk with, grow up with this wonderful man who has proven he loves me in many, many ways and is finally, finally working on the internet porn addiction YES! he blocked his access - he/we will go to a sex therapist - it IS a drug - the easiest, quickest, cheapest, most private one around, but I really think that three years is enough to know whether someone is THE one. We are talking about moving back in together. I want us to grow up together and think we have a great chance BUT my question for all of you: - he keeps saying he loves me, that I am the love of his life, the first woman who has made him cry, our friends love us together, he says he proves it by supporting me financially...etc, etc but I have reached the point where I realize I will believe him if he asks me to marry him. I know it would be the biggest deal on earth for him to surrender himself this way and become vulnerable. After all this time and everything we've been through, love is leading the way, but I no longer want to settle for the "maybe" situation and "what-if" and "let's do a private commitment ceremony but the act of marriage and legal documents are BS" belief. I want to surrender my heart to this man but I want it to be his idea, I want him to decide to propose, him to take the action - not me suggesting or drawing the line or putting a deadline on it. My feeling is that a man KNOWS when a woman is right. Have I just been giving away the milk for too long - so the whole cow will never be bought? I am in love with him. I feel at a core level that we need each other. What do I do? Just wait? Actually mention the "M" word? Give him a deadline? Move back in (this was a rough, eye-opening separation for both of us - he was in agony - then I was). Where do I go from here, guys? Be silent? Say I love him but stay away until he commits? You have all gone through painful growth brought on by how much you love someone. Does the desire to propose to the woman you love just come out of the blue> When you know, you know???????? I am ready to move on in the world with a really good life with him or without him. My choice is with him. All kudos to Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and all the unmarried longterm ones, but I want a giant leap of faith. Please weigh in from all sides. I need the male perspective. I am in love with this man, deeply. How do I get him to take that leap? Thank you, C.E.
Angela
· 10 months ago
I have done a little research myself. I have met many happily married men who love their wives very much and value their families immensely. They have told me they want to cheat because they miss the excitement, the thrill, the variety etc. I think they were very brave and honest to admit what I believe is a reality for many, many guys. Does it make cheating ok—of course not. It is a man's honour and character that keep his impulses in check. But the challenge of this should never be underestimated. While fidelity comes fairly easily to happily married women, it can be an ongoing test of a man's willpower and determination. It is foolish for any woman to ignore this.
All Comments
Many men think it is manly to be with as many women as they can, and sowing their seed wherever and whenever they feel like it.
It takes a true man to be faithful, and honest, and good to his wife.
Thank you for this post. Some great tips.
Thanks AoM!!!
I don't know about that. For a man to cheat on his wife, it makes him a liar (to put it mildly). So why wouldn't these men lie to the survey?
It carries much more weight to claim emotional dissatisfaction than to simply admit that you can't keep it in your pants. This puts the onus back on the "harpy" wife for being so "insensitive" to the poor guy's emotional needs.
In a few hours two days ago, I told a girl that I liked (who has a boyfriend) if I could not be more than friends with her then I did not want to continue speaking to her. After that, I received a message from an ex girlfriend of mine, a major ex girlfriend who I don't communicate with because whenever I do it sends me down a bad path... Following that, another (girl) friend came over to hang out. We ended up casually hooking up and almost had sex. It came very, very close. Very tempting indeed. I don't even like this woman.
Needless to say, woman have been on my mind all week. Thank you for this article. It's helped me clear my head and get me back into a perspective of upholding integrity. Knowing that I am coming from a place that is seeking validation a sense of worth, and how dangerous of a place that can be.
Thanks again
To be honest, I don't see the finding that a lot of men cheat due to emotional dissatisfaction as all that surprising.
In my three-year relationship with my current woman, there has been a number of periods where she just did not respond to me emotionally. It took a variety of forms, but, in general, that's what it all boiled down to.
Although she's stunning and the sex is great, I had had thoughts of cheating on her more than once. What stopped me is my own personal moral code (I'm just not a cheater). Eventually we were able to sit down and talk things through and fix them for the most part.
Personally, I don't believe that cheating on your woman is ever justified. I don't mean to lecture or sound moralistic, but I've always believed that if you're tempted to have some fun with someone else, at least give your current woman the courtesy of breaking things off with her first.
The moral of the story is - until that happened, I would've never even thought myself capable of cheating on my woman. But there I was, seriously considering either having some fun with one of the girls at the nightclubs here (quite easy to pick up if you have the cash) or just going to another town for some quick, no-strings-attached fun.
You don't know if you're a cheater until you've been in a situation where you have reasons to cheat.
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If you've watched Mad Men, it's a perfect example of what you're talking about, Brett. The main character is married with children, and his wife tries as hard as she can, but he won't open up to ANYONE, so he finds a woman who has no ties to any other part of his life and puts all of his emotions and sex into a relationship with her.
Shameful and awkward, but brilliantly explanatory of the modern man.
"Obviously, you can’t make yourself feel valued and needed, that kind of feedback needs to come from the lady in your life." While I see where you're going with this, I think positive self-talk and creatively challenging yourself (which you suggest at the end of the article) ARE good ways to make yourself feel valued and needed. Relying on your partner for value is the very definition of being needy, is it not? It has to come from within.
"Don’t go to a “friendly” lunch with your secretary; don’t stay late at work chatting with your female co-worker; don’t exchange personal emails and text messages with your wife’s friend." I also see where you're going with this, and I agree. If you're physically attracted and not getting what you want at home, don't do it. BUT, I think a lot of couples take this line of thinking too far, and end up prohibiting their partner from forming friendships or any kind of connection with those of the opposite sex. That kind of control and jealousy is stifling to any relationship! Make sure you discuss the boundaries with your partner, and that they're boundaries you can both accept and agree on.
Just my 2 cents - keep up the great blog!
I do think that a man can make himself feel valued, but I don't think a man can make himself feel needed. Because being needed has to involve someone else who well, needs you. I think there's a difference between wanting to be needed and being "needy." Needy people rely on their partner to meet all of their emotional needs. It's not healthy. But feeling needed is actually the opposite. It simply means that you feel like you are meeting some of your partner's needs.
I agree that some couple go too far in restricting relationships with the opposite sex. I think the emphasis is on "personal" emails and such. You shouldn't be talking to other people about personal stuff that you're not sharing with your significant other.
They don't view it as cheating considering they're always together when they swing (again, you cannot fathom how weird this conversation with them was, but hey I appreciate their honesty). I actually have no problems with what they do, but we were raised to be extremely open-minded (and now I know why hehe). My dad said it wasn't because they were getting bored or that their love life needed some spice, but that he feels that humans are not meant to be 100% monogamous creatures. They always swing with couples they know, and are not the type that pick up random couples at a bar (yes, I know, imagine your parents telling you this...so uncomfortable, but I got used to it)
While I understand and respect the article you wrote, I wish it would have touched more on sex in "alternative" lifestyles. Not all sex outside of marriage I feel is evil. Then again maybe only I can understand this having the parents that I do. While there is NO excuse for cheating, what about couples who do sleep with others but with the approval of their partner?
Just curious of people's responses to this. Most of my close friends who know my parents are aware of their lifestyle and couldn't be more supportive. I've never felt that my parents are "cheaters" and well after all these years its become pretty normal to me. So do you believe in this instance that sex is being a "man/woman killer?"
I don't think there is anything wrong with what your parents do (although wow, as you said, what an awkward conversation to have with them!). It's not cheating because they've both consented to it, there's no lying or dishonesty in it.
I think every married man, somewhere deep deep down man wants to try swinging, at least once. It's a interesting fantasy. I think the problem is that it sounds good to be trying it with another woman, but then if you pan over your imagination to picturing your wife doing it with some other guy, then the fantasy evaporates. At least for me.
Even Cosmo offers better tips than that. Women, especially, benefit from healthy fantasies and its advocated by many therapists. Not only that, but they are like dreams. You can't control them. We all do it and should relish it as part of the human experience.
Many men cheat because it's in our DNA. Our DNA is like gravity. It's a force that's there 24/7 and many cannot resist it forever. Many men are one fight, one emotional period of feeling worthless, one hot secretary away from straying.
The article is spot on as far as how important it is for men to feel valued. Women have a bit of a burden here. Keep sex interesting. Give it up when he wants it. Don't gain weight. Keep yourself pretty. Stay affectionate and appreciative.
Of course, nothing will work with that certain type of guy who is led by his libido and to hell with everything else.
Thank you.
This is the very reason that in times past, it was considered improper for an unmarried man and woman to be alone together. The situation was considered dangerous, and those who put themselves in such a situation scandalized others by so doing.
@Patrick: the practice of "swinging" is very undesirable. If not for condoms, the practice would spread nasty diseases at an alarmingly rapid rate. Even WITH condoms, it still spreads various STD's. This is detrimental to any marriage or society.
One can argue that technology has made these considerations unnecessary. Nevertheless, it is undeniable that "swinging" would be an unsustainable practice if man were left only with what nature has provided for him. That, in itself, is a very powerful statement.
"To court a woman in one's employ is a serpentine effort to turn a lady into a whore."
This is going onto my own blog!
Spencer
while I did ask for imput and I understand that some people are going to dissapprove of my parent's lifestyle, I really think that your baseless accusations are somewhat rude. I have no idea whether or not my parent's use the proper protection (I've never asked and frankly I'm happy just assuming that they do) but I'd like to think that them being the smart and responsible adults that they are they would do everything they could to protect themselves.
To say my parents are merely STD spreaders is rather harsh and insulting. ANY type of sex has the potential to spread STD's, so please don't single out my parents as though they are senseless people with no care for their own or other's health.
Don't even get me started on the "detremental to society" part either. I shouldn't be offended by that statement as it is your right to have such an opinion, but thats a bit harsh and a rash overgeneralization. My parents are law-abiding, kind and generous people. They do their best to contribute positively to society, and just because you dissapprove of what they do, it does not give you the right to make baseless assumptions about them.
He didn't say your parents were "merely STD spreaders," he pointed out an aspect of their love life that makes it riskier. And he emphasized that the STDs are what make the practice detrimental to society, not anything else. He didn't assume anything about your parents, except that you were telling the truth when you said they engage in a sexual practice which is comparatively risky. If you said your parents skydived, and he pointed out that it was more risky than staying at home, would you be comparably put-out?
If you aren't willing to take comments for what they actually say, not offense you take at reading them, don't say you want comments!
The American Heritage Dictionary defines a swinger as "a person who engages freely in promiscuous sex," and "a member of a couple, especially a married couple, who exchanges sexual partners."
My comments were frank statements about the practice of "swinging" and its natural consequences on individuals and society; they were neither statements about your parents, in particular, nor generalizations about activities that swingers may engage in besides swinging.
In defense of the weaker sex, please don't hook-up with us unless you're willing to get married.
Just getting over a "relationship" with a guy and the whole thing went like this:
Him: You turn me on. Let's do it!
Me: Well, we really shouldn't but you are soooooo someone I would marry.
Him: Of course we shouldn't do it but I'm so turned on. BTW, I'm just not ready for a relationship.
And, then:
Him: Um. I've sorta started seeing someone and she doesn't want me talking to you anymore and, remember, the priest said that we weren't good really for one another. It's really not God's will for us to be together.
Me: WTF? (followed by hysteria).
Remember, guys, this hurts us far more. We start physically and emotionally bonding before the first orgasm. After a dozen or so, we're hooked and are thinking of names for the babies.
And now he wants me to return his St. Jude medal.
I was reading, a few weeks ago, some stuff on the psychological structure of marriage from Carl Jung.. I'm used to the notion that.. you might very well choose a mate that.. doesn't really fulfill your needs.. you made the safe bet after all.. and so there remains a kind of lingering part of you that's still seeking out that fulfillment.. that can be the cause of the affair.. and you could argue that in some sense this might be healthy.. or.. perhaps the morality we impose on issues of fidelity are sometimes short sided and miss a larger good.
But what I was fascinated to meditate on is.. the structure and dynamics of the.. course marriages follow.. and there really is a stage where.. like it or not.. one of the partners is getting pushed away.. that this is the usual course of things, to one extent or another.. and that there are many factors that can influence the way things unfold.
There's an old debate in the story of sexual dysfunction.. if we should take the surface approach of sex therapy or the depth psychology type approach of Freud.. and clearly advances in neuroscience, socio biology, brain imaging, and what not.. do further complicate the debate, and its challenges.
I tend to look at these things from a.. Foucault meets Zen sorta perspective.. which is to say it's power relationships that are defining our definitions of good, bad, healthy, unhealthy.. rather then the intrinsic state of things.. The Zen problem is realizing that you are "it" despite the world constantly telling you are not.. another words its the power of "it" that should be doing the defining, not the external power relationships," because.. after all its what we might regard as inward subjective reality that's really driving the show here.
From an "it" centric point of view.. a psychotic crack up is healthy.. it's the psyche inflicting equilibrium on its self.. the question should not be if a thing is good or not, but what is the good of a thing.
So you know.. when we look at powerful men falling.. as a result of sex.. could that be a situation where in.. they where emphasizing external metrics of success over an inward, more subjective, reality? And perhaps it was that subjective reality imposing its "auh-thor-ah-tah" on the person in question.. that then forced them into a life where these subjective realties get more attention? And if so.. if the metric is mental health.. perhaps that's a more healthy condition then where they were before?
I believe in economics the term is "creative destruction?"
Which I suppose is not totally disagreeing with you ether.
I'm hoping that you have the same advice for your male friends. Be sure to get rid of the beer belly and the bald head too, as age advances. Oh and don't forget to make sure you don't go grey and that you have no "physical limitations". Makes us women feel valued and appreciated. Hope you see how your stupid statement looks buddy.....
This is amazing. And it seems all too right. I'm married and thankfully haven't cheated or even wanted to, but that is because my wife truly is amazing and we talk quite a bit and have some great sex. She definitely makes me feel appreciated and needed. It's amazing how true this article is. I also have been blessed with a couple of very close guy friends that we don't have a problem talking about hard issues and getting into each other's life.
I'll be sending a lot of my friends here, single and married, to read this article specifically but to also see this blog. Keep articles coming like this. Great stuff.
Now I'm going to read more articles.
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As women we also have a desire to feel needed and valued and loved! I watched my parents build each other up constantly! I never heard my dad say anything deorgatory or insulting to or about my mom. I also watched as my mom answered the all too famous question women ask... "If you could sleep with anyone in the world who would it be!?" with the simple answer "my husband!" No hesitation, not a missed beat! I feel that this answer came so quickly, because they were not only in love with each other and they always put each other first (even before the kids sometimes!!). They made sure that they both felt needed... NOT NEEDY, NEEDED! There is a difference!!
I really liked the "Don't even walk down her street" section. So many people (MEN AND WOMEN) find it so easy to have what psychologist have termed "Emotional Affairs" at work or elsewhere. They find someone they can talk to and have a good time with. Someone they feel "understands" them and they end up opening up to them about problems they are having at home or things they have been worried about or contemplating. This may or may not turn into a sexual affair, but the damage is already done!! You have broken the trust with your spouse by revealing a portion of who you are and what you really feel with someone else. Really the only person that will truly "understand" anything you are going through at anytime, is the person that is right there going through it with you! Don't get sucked into the "emotional affairs", open up to your spouse/partner and you will be amazed at what it does for a relationship!
Thanks again for a great blog!
I just wanted comfort. Sometimes that takes a physical form, but not always.