Art of Manliness - Latest Comments in Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Alexander — Thu, 10 Apr 2014 16:54:07 -0000

@ "Have Great Sex With Your Spouse"

My wife and I are actively working on our sex lives. In our discussions of "what we feel is lacking" what came up for her was that I am not sexually aggressive enough. She isn't talking about wanting me to initiate sex more. She's talking about a primitive feminine desire to be dominated. I know that she is attempting to call forth my inner manliness - she actually wants me to be less sensitive and just f*** her. So, I think, "Ok, lets try that. She wants me on a purely animalistic, physical level. I can do that!" The thing is, we've been trying it out and I am starting to feel like it's never enough. The feeling is that no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to f*** her hard enough to give her what she wants. It's like her desire is insatiable. Talk about a man killer. Nothing is worse than feeling like you aren't able to satisfy your woman.

Honestly, it also scares me a little bit because she wants me to do things that make me feel uncomfortable - like being slightly physically violent and wanting me to somewhat degrade her. I don't know alot about S&M, but I don't want to be the Sadist OR the Masochist. I have read about S&M having the potential to be a very healthy sexual exploration, but I can't shake the feeling like it is some sort of sickness. I've been reading about the warrior archetype - The sadist and masochist are its SHADOW SIDES. To me this means an improper flow of energy. Where the healthy state would be the expression of the warrior.

Basically, I feel really confused about whether I should do what she wants or if it is playing into
an unhealthy dynamic. The question is... Why does she want to be sexually degraded and is it healthy for me to give her what she wants in that respect?

Thanks Guys - it's been a long time since I've felt some masculine support.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Cormac__NJ — Thu, 12 Dec 2013 22:29:06 -0000

This is a GREAT piece, and the message is extremely important. There is one part that I would caution men about, though: in part 2, called Have great sex with your spouse, we are told "It means you may have to actually talk to your partner about what she enjoys and what she feels is lacking." While I agree that this is true, it can be much very difficult for some women to do this, because contemporary culture has so consistently portrayed women's desires in a completely false light. Women are told that they should have zero attraction to manly men. That what they really want is a girly man, who needs the woman to be the boss in bed. In reality, most women are attracted to an EXTRA manly man. If you actually read those romance novels, or the Shades of Grey books, you will discover that the last thing women are fantasizing about is wimpy men who put the woman in charge. But this can be very difficult, and sometimes embarrassing, for the wife to admit. Especially if the man is a kind and gentle type of guy. It's a bit complicated for her to explain that it's great to have Mr. Empathy around on a shopping trip, but she really wished he would become Mr. rough-and-tough in the sack. It can be done, but it takes a good relationship to get past the hesitancy. And this is just one example of the kind of hurdle that must be crossed (it might even be the opposite).

Great piece, though. Keep up the good work!!!

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

northeastoutdoorsman — Wed, 13 Nov 2013 21:45:10 -0000

This article is spot-on. I've known about this site for some time but lately I've been reading through a lot of the older articles and I must say I'm so impressed. So much practical (and moral) advice for daily living.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Vee — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 12:59:08 -0000

Grand Article!
My favorite area is...
"Learn How to Fly a Plane"......
Not only does this article speak to me about Men, it speaks to me about Me.
Too many times I could have found something more healthy to do than "another" relationship.
Amazing how much I am learning from this site!!
Major Thanks!

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Sumisu — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 15:14:59 -0000

As a mom with two sons I hope that this article will make its way into the hands and brains of many young men. Aside from the word-usage errors, I find this to be an excellent article and will pass it on to the ladies I know that have sons and spouses that might benefit from it.

I'll also add that my own husband was unfaithful (multiple times) and in retrospect, suffered from much of what was written there. He was emotionally unable to open up to me about his pain and fears.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Fri, 26 Mar 2010 03:03:49 -0000

This is huge.

Can't explain fairly how this is affecting me. I'm planning to propose to my girlfriend this weekend and this article struck me in some huge areas of my life. This article shouldn't relate to me because I'm among the seemingly small number of men who choose to abstain from sex until marriage, but the bit about the "innate desire to be useful, resourceful, valuable…and needed" helped give expression to my confusion about why I'm so anxious before the proposal.

It's totally tangential, but I realize that this may be an area where my relationship needs to develop more richly, but for now I'm just happy to have identification for what I was feeling…

And, I also feel an odd gladness at knowing what will help me become a better man: not just hiding in my confusion, but helping to show my [wife] about what I need.

Probably sounds weird.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Errrr — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 21:07:19 -0000

I'm going to offer something that wasn't in the original post, though Christina mentioned it, related to "don't walk down that street":

Stay AWAY from the porn!!

Your woman CANNOT compete with the porn. The porn always does what you want, has everything you want, and requires nothing that you don't want to give. Worse, the porn brings you into a world where everyone and everything is something you can use for sex. It's like steroids for selfishness.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Rick — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 10:50:18 -0000

Infidelity, or other sexual exploits, often have an element of a kind of danger. Driving fast, living fast, standing on the edge of a 300’ cliff in the mountains, taking risks of various kinds somehow feeds a man. Even at 14 years old, I see the scouts in our troop seeking to be at least a little dangerous. Teaching boys how to fulfill this need in honorable ways is a key to successful youth work.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Angela — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 10:35:53 -0000

I have done a little research myself. I have met many happily married men who love their wives very much and value their families immensely. They have told me they want to cheat because they miss the excitement, the thrill, the variety etc. I think they were very brave and honest to admit what I believe is a reality for many, many guys. Does it make cheating ok—of course not. It is a man's honour and character that keep his impulses in check. But the challenge of this should never be underestimated. While fidelity comes fairly easily to happily married women, it can be an ongoing test of a man's willpower and determination. It is foolish for any woman to ignore this.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Christina — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 08:48:40 -0000

Just came across this blog and comments and am very grateful to find some intelligent discussions out there throughout this website. OK, all of you, I need your helpful opinions as I am trying to decide how to proceed. I was divorced 14 years ago after a 15 year marriage and have dated some amazing men since then (although actually took a three year break after a second man lied to me about being married) and now find myself in love for the first time in 20 years. To summarize: I'm 56, still stunningly beautiful (think Bo Derek and I'm just saying that as a fact, not ego). I'm healthy, love to ski, camp, fish, golf, cook, watch football, have just finished writing a book that will be published next year, am an artist, blah, blah blah. I've been dating (living with) a man who's 12 years younger for the past three years and we've gone through all the tough stuff together. He is financially generous (though not wealthy) and supported me while I took care of my dying father and then while I wrote this book. I adore this man. He has the heart of an angel - referring back to an earlier blog - he fits the description of "not someone I can live with but someone I don't want to live without". The problem: I have tried to break up with him five times over three years and finally did it for real three months ago and we are experiencing the real heartbreak of distance. Why have I done this? Because, among other reasons, gentlemen, he is addicted to internet porn. I feel very sorry for men, tied as you are to the biological urge for orgasm and the well-calculated attraction to how a woman looks, the good-feeling chemicals that flood the brain from sex and the easy availability of sexy images - I think that all of us have been given a raw deal by being conditioned to believe that men/people can be monogamous and that marriage must contain that credo. Now, here's the thing for me: I WANT to build my life with this man. I want to share, take care of, have amazing sex with, talk with, grow up with this wonderful man who has proven he loves me in many, many ways and is finally, finally working on the internet porn addiction YES! he blocked his access - he/we will go to a sex therapist - it IS a drug - the easiest, quickest, cheapest, most private one around, but I really think that three years is enough to know whether someone is THE one. We are talking about moving back in together. I want us to grow up together and think we have a great chance BUT my question for all of you: - he keeps saying he loves me, that I am the love of his life, the first woman who has made him cry, our friends love us together, he says he proves it by supporting me financially...etc, etc but I have reached the point where I realize I will believe him if he asks me to marry him. I know it would be the biggest deal on earth for him to surrender himself this way and become vulnerable. After all this time and everything we've been through, love is leading the way, but I no longer want to settle for the "maybe" situation and "what-if" and "let's do a private commitment ceremony but the act of marriage and legal documents are BS" belief. I want to surrender my heart to this man but I want it to be his idea, I want him to decide to propose, him to take the action - not me suggesting or drawing the line or putting a deadline on it. My feeling is that a man KNOWS when a woman is right. Have I just been giving away the milk for too long - so the whole cow will never be bought? I am in love with him. I feel at a core level that we need each other. What do I do? Just wait? Actually mention the "M" word? Give him a deadline? Move back in (this was a rough, eye-opening separation for both of us - he was in agony - then I was). Where do I go from here, guys? Be silent? Say I love him but stay away until he commits? You have all gone through painful growth brought on by how much you love someone. Does the desire to propose to the woman you love just come out of the blue> When you know, you know???????? I am ready to move on in the world with a really good life with him or without him. My choice is with him. All kudos to Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and all the unmarried longterm ones, but I want a giant leap of faith. Please weigh in from all sides. I need the male perspective. I am in love with this man, deeply. How do I get him to take that leap? Thank you, C.E.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

James — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 11:18:44 -0000

I never cheated on my ex-wife, but if I had it would have been because she was not meeting my emotional needs. The thought of cheating did cross my mind, but it would not have been for the sex. The sex would have been secondary, if at all.

I just wanted comfort. Sometimes that takes a physical form, but not always.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

aaron — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 10:57:18 -0000

Wow... This is a great post man. And I love the fact it come from "the Art of Manliness" because faithfulness ABSOLUTELY should be a quality associated with a real man. Bravo man. You rock. I'll be passing this around to friends.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Thomas — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:29:44 -0000

A few moments of pleasure is not worth a lifetime of regret.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

The Unapologetic Conservative — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 06:52:47 -0000

Wow! Whodathunk you'd find such spot-on commentary in this day and age? If more of us would adhere to this type of behavior, it'd be a better world. I commend you for your bravery and integrity. Bravo!

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Andrea — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 21:15:12 -0000

Integrity -- now THAT is something a real Man has. Self-control shows great strength, and it makes a true Man stand apart from the hordes of mere boys.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Polygamous Horndog — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 16:23:38 -0000

Just marry one more woman, that solves it.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Jeanette — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 10:03:47 -0000

Thanks for an awesome blog! My husband reads your site all the time and really enjoys what you write! I admit, I was skeptical at first. I thought this site was all about how to grill and watch football games and be a "MAN". I have to confess that I have been truly intrigued and amazed at your articles! I especially liked this one. I grew up with a father who worshipped my mother, no matter what she said, did or looked like! I always swore I would marry a man that was that way. (WHICH I DID!!)
As women we also have a desire to feel needed and valued and loved! I watched my parents build each other up constantly! I never heard my dad say anything deorgatory or insulting to or about my mom. I also watched as my mom answered the all too famous question women ask... "If you could sleep with anyone in the world who would it be!?" with the simple answer "my husband!" No hesitation, not a missed beat! I feel that this answer came so quickly, because they were not only in love with each other and they always put each other first (even before the kids sometimes!!). They made sure that they both felt needed... NOT NEEDY, NEEDED! There is a difference!!

I really liked the "Don't even walk down her street" section. So many people (MEN AND WOMEN) find it so easy to have what psychologist have termed "Emotional Affairs" at work or elsewhere. They find someone they can talk to and have a good time with. Someone they feel "understands" them and they end up opening up to them about problems they are having at home or things they have been worried about or contemplating. This may or may not turn into a sexual affair, but the damage is already done!! You have broken the trust with your spouse by revealing a portion of who you are and what you really feel with someone else. Really the only person that will truly "understand" anything you are going through at anytime, is the person that is right there going through it with you! Don't get sucked into the "emotional affairs", open up to your spouse/partner and you will be amazed at what it does for a relationship!
Thanks again for a great blog!

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Shehan — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 19:54:07 -0000

Great article. Glad there's courage enough to say it-- and it's all too true.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

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Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Jesse — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 00:09:47 -0000

This one was spot on. I have, to my dis-credit, been unfaithful back when my wife was my girlfriend. Damn near cost me the best thing in my life. Now that we are married and have a child we have settled into the domesticated thing. Only recently have I noticed my eyes wandering, and I credit our crazy schedules and lack of talkin'-&-lovin' time. But I wouldn't have thought about it as clearly as that without that post, so thanks. Guess I will cancel that lunch with the co-worker on Wednesday . . .

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Guest — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 09:59:06 -0000

I saw the title, 3 Man Killers: Sex, and was quite intrigued. I just came to this blog a few days back and didn't really know what to expect.

This is amazing. And it seems all too right. I'm married and thankfully haven't cheated or even wanted to, but that is because my wife truly is amazing and we talk quite a bit and have some great sex. She definitely makes me feel appreciated and needed. It's amazing how true this article is. I also have been blessed with a couple of very close guy friends that we don't have a problem talking about hard issues and getting into each other's life.

I'll be sending a lot of my friends here, single and married, to read this article specifically but to also see this blog. Keep articles coming like this. Great stuff.

Now I'm going to read more articles.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

megan — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:31:27 -0000

"The article is spot on as far as how important it is for men to feel valued. Women have a bit of a burden here. Keep sex interesting. Give it up when he wants it. Don’t gain weight. Keep yourself pretty. Stay affectionate and appreciative."

I'm hoping that you have the same advice for your male friends. Be sure to get rid of the beer belly and the bald head too, as age advances. Oh and don't forget to make sure you don't go grey and that you have no "physical limitations". Makes us women feel valued and appreciated. Hope you see how your stupid statement looks buddy.....

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Matt Searles — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 18:24:12 -0000

I find myself kind of disagreeing.. in the big picture. What I mean is I think we are focusing on the surface.. and the behavior of causality webs.. I'm not sure you're really get at.

I was reading, a few weeks ago, some stuff on the psychological structure of marriage from Carl Jung.. I'm used to the notion that.. you might very well choose a mate that.. doesn't really fulfill your needs.. you made the safe bet after all.. and so there remains a kind of lingering part of you that's still seeking out that fulfillment.. that can be the cause of the affair.. and you could argue that in some sense this might be healthy.. or.. perhaps the morality we impose on issues of fidelity are sometimes short sided and miss a larger good.

But what I was fascinated to meditate on is.. the structure and dynamics of the.. course marriages follow.. and there really is a stage where.. like it or not.. one of the partners is getting pushed away.. that this is the usual course of things, to one extent or another.. and that there are many factors that can influence the way things unfold.

There's an old debate in the story of sexual dysfunction.. if we should take the surface approach of sex therapy or the depth psychology type approach of Freud.. and clearly advances in neuroscience, socio biology, brain imaging, and what not.. do further complicate the debate, and its challenges.

I tend to look at these things from a.. Foucault meets Zen sorta perspective.. which is to say it's power relationships that are defining our definitions of good, bad, healthy, unhealthy.. rather then the intrinsic state of things.. The Zen problem is realizing that you are "it" despite the world constantly telling you are not.. another words its the power of "it" that should be doing the defining, not the external power relationships," because.. after all its what we might regard as inward subjective reality that's really driving the show here.

From an "it" centric point of view.. a psychotic crack up is healthy.. it's the psyche inflicting equilibrium on its self.. the question should not be if a thing is good or not, but what is the good of a thing.

So you know.. when we look at powerful men falling.. as a result of sex.. could that be a situation where in.. they where emphasizing external metrics of success over an inward, more subjective, reality? And perhaps it was that subjective reality imposing its "auh-thor-ah-tah" on the person in question.. that then forced them into a life where these subjective realties get more attention? And if so.. if the metric is mental health.. perhaps that's a more healthy condition then where they were before?

I believe in economics the term is "creative destruction?"

Which I suppose is not totally disagreeing with you ether.

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Andrew — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 18:17:22 -0000

I like your "don't walk down the street" comment - did you know that Billy Graham never used to travel with a woman unless another person was present because he wanted to be sure he wasn't even tempted? Set things up so they work the way they are supposed to. . . .

Re: Sex: The Man Killer | The Art of Manliness

Jennifer — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 18:10:20 -0000

Wow. Great article. I agree completely. And it's encouraging to see an article like this geared towards MEN for once. Usually this is the kind of thing you find in Glamour or on Oprah, which is pretty much preaching to the choir, IMO.