Brett, Thanks so much for publishing this. It is an honor to be a part of such a quality blog! It will be interesting to see what others believe defines the passage into manhood.
-Cameron
Kevan
· 1 year ago
This is a great post, inspires me to continue on my quest to be the best man/husband I can be. I think that one of the defining characteristics of becoming a man is learning to understand and take hold of what it means to be responsible. Of course, if a guy adheres to the guidelines you presented, then I guess we can assume he would be pretty responsible. :)
Brian Timm
· 1 year ago
yet another great post!
i absolutely LOVE this blog. you guys really post great content time and again.
this is no exception.
i agree with all of the traits, and i've been trying to model my life after 2 of these for a long time. the missing link was constancy.
thanks again for bringing great content to my Google Reader.
MJ Lynch
· 1 year ago
I like the idea behind this post but I don't think selflessness is a mark of manhood. A real man does not live for the sake of others but challenges himself and others to live up to standards of virtue. Any person can be a cog in a machine by serving a cause or living purely to pay for the kids -- a man serves only virtue.
Tyler @ Building Camelot
· 1 year ago
Great post - simple and to the point. These characteristics definitely define what it is to be a man. They are also some of the hardest aspects in a males life to change.
I know I struggle with my selfishness all the time. Maybe it's because I'm only 30 and have a lot to learn. And I think one of the biggest hurdles is to realize what and how you're selfish. When you sit down and think about it, you soon realize that we are much more selfish than we first thought.
--Tyler
Akshay Kapur
· 1 year ago
And I thought if I could down a pounder with tons of hot sauce and 10 bacon strips in one sitting, I would be a man! Way to burst my bubble!!
Love this post...especially the part of consistency and responsibility. Its tough to always be the strong arm, the pillar of someone's or many people's lives, yet as much as we complain, deep down we love the feeling of being needed for the things we care about (please...not mall shopping!).
At the same time, I believe these qualities to be essential and important in any human being, regardless of gender and race. Unlike European or Middle Eastern cultures, America questions the traits of manliness (as exhibited in this blog!) and defines itself relative to its counterpart; femininity. Yet the labels themselves imply differences and segregate the two sides.
Thinking human first, man second makes me much more aware of the societal norms we live with everyday. Its a practice I find enlightening...and practical.
Very thought-provoking post!
CE
· 1 year ago
I remember my friend's dad telling me that you get to a point in your life when you realize you're not living for your self any more - and that's a good thing. I'm starting to realizing that I'm building a world for my wife and kids and some of the most important people in my life, and I'm proud of it.
Every once in a while though - and sorry to get all Oprah - but I still need to do something for myself. It enables me to keep doing the other stuff.
Bill
· 1 year ago
"t seems not, as there are plenty of boys walking around wearing the bodies of men, holding degrees, jobs and a hefty mortgage, but retaining the soul of an 8-year old."
Who says there isn't great writing on blogs?
Raj
· 1 year ago
I really liked the post and I agree that it really means a lot of people trust one to be there for them when needed.
Dugg the post and even subscribed to Schaefers Blog :)
Jim
· 1 year ago
Excellent! Boils it down to the core: selfless, consistent, humble. I'm 40 with a wife and two daughters, and often I feel like I'm still a 10-year-old kid who doesn't know his place in the world of adults.
I seem to have become a responsible adult in spite of my self-doubts. However, I still occasionally go on a search for what manhood/adulthood means (that's what led me to this site).
Discussing it with my (wonderful) wife recently, she basically said what this blog did, and told me as far as she's concerned, I meet these three criteria and that's proof enough to her that I'm a good man. Reading it here reinforces it and makes me feel good about myself (although I'll probably always be having the self-doubt).
Regards,
Jim
Julee
· 1 year ago
Good work Cam. Very insightful! But, what else can we expect from such a Manly Man?!
Zubairc C
· 1 year ago
Thanks for posting this. Several of your comments resonate with what was said by a Muslim scholar, Imam Sulami, in his Book of Chivalry, nearly a thousand years ago:
"Chivalry is that a young man adheres to the following code (extract from a long treatise):
1) That he brings joy to the lives of friends and meets their needs. 2) That he responds to cruelty with kindness, and does not punish an error. 3) That he does not find fault with his friends. 4) That he is relaxed and open-hearted with his brothers. 5) That he is generous. 6) That he keeps up old friendships. 7) That he looks after his friends and neighbours. 8) That he is lenient with his friends. 9) That he permits his friends to use his possessions as if they were their own. 10) That he invites guests, offers food and is hospitable. 11) That he respects his friends and shows his respect for them. 12) That he is truthful. 13) That he is satisfied with little for himself and wishes much for others. 14) That he brings joy to the lives of friends and meets their needs. 15) That he responds to cruelty with kindness, and does not punish an error."
ST @ WhataManKnows
· 1 year ago
Excellent observations -- great work.
Sincerely, ST
Mark McCullagh
· 1 year ago
Great post Cameron.
I always respect and appreciate consistency.
To be selfless and giving without expectations benefits everyone in your life.
Humility. So misunderstood and, in a sense, underrated these days. The opposite is pride. I like what you said about real men being secure in their abilities etc. If more people practiced humility, think of how much better the world would be.
Rodney Hampton
· 1 year ago
You could have done an in-depth post on selflessness alone. It's an especially tricky concept to wrap your head around, particularly if you've read a lot of Ayn Rand as I have. Furthermore, there is definitely a tension between the kind of rugged individualism that Americans say they aspire to, and understanding that where we are in life has a lot to do with a lot of help (seen and unseen) we got along the way.
Additionally, the kind of honorable selflessness that has been tied up with concepts of the warrior throughout the ages is too easily exploited by, say, a government that doesn't value the sacrifices of its soldiers and spends their lives on adventures in foreign lands without a plan to bring them home again.
However, being a man isn't necessarily about selflessness in a traditional altruistic sense of the word. It's about shouldering responsibilities. Sometimes those responsibilities are put on you by circumstances beyond your control like if you're the first on the scene at an accident. Sometimes you create a duty you have to follow through on because you chose to raise your right hand and agree to serve for a term.
Sometimes your responsibilities are solely to yourself and your own sense of excellence. You set a goal and you work your tail off for it. If you reach it, great, set another goal aim higher, strive to be better. This isn't about competing with others at a certain point, it becomes about competing with yourself.
When you're first starting out, sometimes your responsibilities are pretty simple: feed, clothe and house yourself so you aren't a burden on the taxpaying men who have their head screwed on straight.
Later, if you create a situation where you've brought some little lives into this world, you've chosen to take on the additional responsibilities that fatherhood entails.
In all of these cases, from the outside it looks like you're being selfless. In actuality, many of these choices are completely selfish and are done to satisfy your own ego. What matters, however, is that once you embark on a task you see it through to completion unless it is entirely impractical to do so.
Confused as I am yet? Much of being a man, I'm certain, is likewise tangled and bundled together. When someone has the right stuff you know it. When they don't, it's just as obvious.
But, keep writing your blog posts. Maybe we can all figure it out together.
Hamilton
· 1 year ago
I agree, humility, consistency, and selflessness are the three pillars of manhood. He who gives of their natural gifts and enthusiasm without expecting anything back in return will receive more than he can imagine. To reference an old movie, check out "It's a Wonderful Life". You rarely know how much a life well-lived effects others!
Dan
· 1 year ago
These are all apects of the personality of Jesus the Christ. He was consistent, selfless and humility was his middle name. We do what we can do for those we come in contact with during our lifetime. This is probably no more than around 500 people or so with varying amounts of influence. But Jesus was the perfect example to untold billions of christian men, believers and non-believers alike. He gave his whole life to try to save others(all who will believe) from eternal death.
He not only showed us what it means to be a real man, but also revealed to us the character and purpose of God.
Jaime
· 1 year ago
Humility and selflessness are not necessarily qualities of a man, depending on your place in history, these might have very well been traits of chattel (women, children, and slaves). A Roman or Greek would have recognized them as such.
D.M. Cook
· 1 year ago
Fantastic thoughts, Brett & Kate. Especially the idea that "consistency is the game for pros". I'm finding myself in a rebellious phase of my life right now and realizing just how difficult--and how much more essential and meaningful-- being truly consistent, truly dependable, is. Being consistent is one of my new guiding principles, and reading that from this blog (which I've only recently discovered) is a fantastic confirmation of what I've been thinking for some time. Thank you!
And your point about selflessness and servitude-- bravo! What a concise and beautiful point: "Whether through kids or causes, becoming a man means serving someone or something greater than yourself."
The most important thing to remember is that (as others have said), many things we think of as being selfless are in fact egoic-- getting married and having kids especially. To truly evolve and "grow up", we need to stop using others to get what we want and start using and seeing ourselves as tools with which to serve others.
All Comments
Thanks so much for publishing this. It is an honor to be a part of such a quality blog! It will be interesting to see what others believe defines the passage into manhood.
-Cameron
i absolutely LOVE this blog. you guys really post great content time and again.
this is no exception.
i agree with all of the traits, and i've been trying to model my life after 2 of these for a long time. the missing link was constancy.
thanks again for bringing great content to my Google Reader.
I know I struggle with my selfishness all the time. Maybe it's because I'm only 30 and have a lot to learn. And I think one of the biggest hurdles is to realize what and how you're selfish. When you sit down and think about it, you soon realize that we are much more selfish than we first thought.
--Tyler
Love this post...especially the part of consistency and responsibility. Its tough to always be the strong arm, the pillar of someone's or many people's lives, yet as much as we complain, deep down we love the feeling of being needed for the things we care about (please...not mall shopping!).
At the same time, I believe these qualities to be essential and important in any human being, regardless of gender and race. Unlike European or Middle Eastern cultures, America questions the traits of manliness (as exhibited in this blog!) and defines itself relative to its counterpart; femininity. Yet the labels themselves imply differences and segregate the two sides.
Thinking human first, man second makes me much more aware of the societal norms we live with everyday. Its a practice I find enlightening...and practical.
Very thought-provoking post!
Every once in a while though - and sorry to get all Oprah - but I still need to do something for myself. It enables me to keep doing the other stuff.
Who says there isn't great writing on blogs?
Dugg the post and even subscribed to Schaefers Blog :)
I seem to have become a responsible adult in spite of my self-doubts. However, I still occasionally go on a search for what manhood/adulthood means (that's what led me to this site).
Discussing it with my (wonderful) wife recently, she basically said what this blog did, and told me as far as she's concerned, I meet these three criteria and that's proof enough to her that I'm a good man. Reading it here reinforces it and makes me feel good about myself (although I'll probably always be having the self-doubt).
Regards,
Jim
"Chivalry is that a young man adheres to the following code (extract from a long treatise):
1) That he brings joy to the lives of friends and meets their needs.
2) That he responds to cruelty with kindness, and does not punish an error.
3) That he does not find fault with his friends.
4) That he is relaxed and open-hearted with his brothers.
5) That he is generous.
6) That he keeps up old friendships.
7) That he looks after his friends and neighbours.
8) That he is lenient with his friends.
9) That he permits his friends to use his possessions as if they were their own.
10) That he invites guests, offers food and is hospitable.
11) That he respects his friends and shows his respect for them.
12) That he is truthful.
13) That he is satisfied with little for himself and wishes much for others.
14) That he brings joy to the lives of friends and meets their needs.
15) That he responds to cruelty with kindness, and does not punish an error."
Sincerely, ST
I always respect and appreciate consistency.
To be selfless and giving without expectations benefits everyone in your life.
Humility. So misunderstood and, in a sense, underrated these days. The opposite is pride. I like what you said about real men being secure in their abilities etc. If more people practiced humility, think of how much better the world would be.
Additionally, the kind of honorable selflessness that has been tied up with concepts of the warrior throughout the ages is too easily exploited by, say, a government that doesn't value the sacrifices of its soldiers and spends their lives on adventures in foreign lands without a plan to bring them home again.
However, being a man isn't necessarily about selflessness in a traditional altruistic sense of the word. It's about shouldering responsibilities. Sometimes those responsibilities are put on you by circumstances beyond your control like if you're the first on the scene at an accident. Sometimes you create a duty you have to follow through on because you chose to raise your right hand and agree to serve for a term.
Sometimes your responsibilities are solely to yourself and your own sense of excellence. You set a goal and you work your tail off for it. If you reach it, great, set another goal aim higher, strive to be better. This isn't about competing with others at a certain point, it becomes about competing with yourself.
When you're first starting out, sometimes your responsibilities are pretty simple: feed, clothe and house yourself so you aren't a burden on the taxpaying men who have their head screwed on straight.
Later, if you create a situation where you've brought some little lives into this world, you've chosen to take on the additional responsibilities that fatherhood entails.
In all of these cases, from the outside it looks like you're being selfless. In actuality, many of these choices are completely selfish and are done to satisfy your own ego. What matters, however, is that once you embark on a task you see it through to completion unless it is entirely impractical to do so.
Confused as I am yet? Much of being a man, I'm certain, is likewise tangled and bundled together. When someone has the right stuff you know it. When they don't, it's just as obvious.
But, keep writing your blog posts. Maybe we can all figure it out together.
He not only showed us what it means to be a real man, but also revealed to us the character and purpose of God.
And your point about selflessness and servitude-- bravo! What a concise and beautiful point: "Whether through kids or causes, becoming a man means serving someone or something greater than yourself."
The most important thing to remember is that (as others have said), many things we think of as being selfless are in fact egoic-- getting married and having kids especially. To truly evolve and "grow up", we need to stop using others to get what we want and start using and seeing ourselves as tools with which to serve others.
Great work, guys!